I slid down the wall of my bedroom, mentally exhausted with the events of last night. My throat was burning with the urge to cry, suffocating me and drowning my words. My eyes stung from non-stop tears, my hands shook with anxiety.
If only you stayed with Nate, you could know he was safe. You’re so stupid, ridiculously stupid…
The blaring sound of my phone brought me back to reality. I shook my head, emptying the voices from my mind. I shakily grabbed my phone and answered.
“Cassie.” The voice breathed. “You’re okay, you’re okay. Oh my god, you’re okay.”
“Nate,” I chocked out. I blinked out tears, relief rising within me. “Where are you? Are you alright?”
“I’m fine, I’m at mine. I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have left you alone, I shouldn’t have even brought you. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s alright, we’re both okay.”
“I need to see you, I’m coming over. I need to make sure you’re alright, I want to know everything that happened. I’ll see you soon.”
“Bye.” I replied, but he was already gone.
“So, Justin saved you?” Nate asked.
“Well, yeah. I mean, Ashton came to speak to me and then Justin showed up. Then Justin said something like, ‘they’re coming’ and we all left and Ashton drove us home.” I replied as I sipped my tea. I purposely left out the whole Justin telling Ashton that I was going to die thing, I didn't want Nate worried.
“What, you just trusted them? You didn’t think to come and find me?”
“You’re kidding, right? There were people with guns and you expected me to walk in there and ask you if I should trust people who were trying to get me away from there?” I stood up, anger running through my veins.
“Well no but-“
“But nothing. I can take care of myself. And anyway, Ashton told me the two of you were really close. Don’t get mad because Justin was there when you weren’t.”
Hurt flashed through his eyes before he too, stood up. “I’m not. I’m actually grateful he was there, or you would probably be hurt right now.”
“Why did you even take me there Nate? Dangerous people like that don’t just show up without a reason, and how did Justin know anyway? I’m sick of these secrets, just tell me! I’m not a child, I don't need protecting!”
“I took you there for a good time, Cass.”
“No, don’t even try that with me. You didn’t give me a second thought after we arrived. You turned into someone completely different, my Nate would never leave me with random girls and walk off.”
“That’s not true.” He defended.
“Don’t.” I snapped.
“What? You can’t be serious Cassidy.”
“No, I can’t believe you’re being serious right now! I can’t believe you would take me somewhere knowing it was so dangerous but then still think I would still trust you to keep me safe! It was Justin who saved me yesterday, not you. You weren’t even with me, you didn’t even give a shit about me!”
“Don’t be like that.” He retorted.
“No. Don’t. I just spent all night worrying if you were even alive, hell I never even thanked Ashton, and then you have the nerve to come here and reprimand me like I’m 10 about trusting people! Justin may be a pain in the ass but he’s always kept me safe. So don’t you dare think that you could lecture me about trust, especially when you don't even trust me. ME. I’m you’re girlfriend, and you still don't trust me enough to tell me what the hell you’re life really involves. I tell you things, I trust you. This has to work two ways, I can’t be doing all the work!”
“Don’t be such a child Cassidy! I’m not ‘keeping secrets’, this isn’t high school! Don’t be so naïve as to think that I’m playing games with you, or that Justin is the good guy! How many times do I have to tell you –“
“You don’t. That's the thing, you don’t have to. You should let me have my own friends, with or without your approval. Just…get out. Go home.”
I opened the door (kind of dramatically) and watched him walk over to me.
“You don’t have to do this… We don’t have to fight.”
“I can’t deal with you right now, just go.”
He sighed and walked out of the door, into the foyer.
“I love you.”
I froze, my hand still holding the door half open.
“I said, I love you.”
“No, no you don’t. You can’t say that, that's horrible of you Nate!”
‘What?” He asked, bewildered
“You’re only saying that because you don’t want us to argue! How could you? You just ruined our ‘I love you’ by doing that!”
“But I do love you.” He mumbled
“No, you don’t. We’ve been together for like, a day.”
“2 months, actually.” He was hurt, his voice razor sharp.
“Don’t be a smart ass.”
“So I’ll take that as you don’t love me back?”
“I don’t even know what love is, Nate! I’m 17, and I’ve never received enough love to know what it feels like to return the feeling!”
“Love is what you see in your parents eyes when they look at each other, or when they look at their child. Love is everywhere, so don’t tell me you don’t know what love is.”
“Well sorry for not having a perfect life, but I don’t know what love is. I’m numb to those feelings.”
“What about you’re parents? You must have seen or felt love at some point.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I said, I don't want to talk about it!” I yelled, furious that he would question me like that. “Look, you’re that person that makes me feel something. I can’t remember those looks and those moments because I never witnessed them! Please, just tell me you’re joking.” I ran my hands through my hair, there was no way this was happening.
“No, actually I’m not joking. It’s okay if you don’t love me back… but I want you to know that I love you. No games, no jokes, no lies. I love you, Cassidy Ellen.”
My eyes welled with tears and I threw myself at him, wrapping my arms around him.
“I’m sorry. Thank-you, but I can’t say the same.”
“That’s okay.” He gave me a sad smile and wiped my cheeks. “You will. Maybe not now, but one day.” I smiled a fake smile as he walked out, closing the door behind him. If only I could tell him all of the truth. Of course, what I told him was true. I’m numb to those feelings, I never witnessed them. But as I walked impassively over to my room and sat down, I knew it wasn’t because of my upbringing or my parents that I didn’t feel love. It was because of me, and my mind. My demons and my mind, that was what stopped me feeling love. I felt hopeless, I felt weak.
I grabbed my journal from my underwear draw and opened to the next free page, letting my mind wonder to places it probably shouldn’t go.
‘When I’m not lonely I push everyone away because I do enjoy being alone. However, being alone constantly causes irrational thoughts like my own, so maybe loneliness isn’t so great after all. I want help, but I don’t. I need saving, but for some reason no one seems to notice.
Life sucks when you’re mentally messed up.
That’s all I can say. Life fucking sucks.
I bit my pen, debating on whether or not I should write the rest.
“Fuck it.” I muttered, and began writing.
I’m clawing at my skull
Begging the voices to
I’m hoping and praying
And needing the demons
To leave me alone.
I want to scream
Until my throat bleeds
I want to cry
Until my head is aching
And my mouth is dry
I want to yell
Until there are no more
Offensive words left
To describe my pain
Because maybe then,
I’ll feel a little better
A little less numb
A little less sad
A little more me.
A/N: Heey guys! Sorry its been a while, I just had my end of term exams week so I couldn't update. This chapter is kind of mature I know, but this book is all about these bad feelings and people dealing with challenging illnesses and problems that can, if you let them, take over your life. I know I'm not great at portraying feelings but I WILL edit everything at the end and hopefully I'll be a better writer then. Thank-you for all your support! Stay strong guys, love youu x