If I Can't Have You || Larry Stylinson

If I can't have you, Lou, then I don't see a reason.


1. { o n e }

As much as I tried these past years, it's not the same. You don't talk to me like you used to. No more nickname and no more cuddling. I feel so lonely now. We barely see each other outside of work. It feels like I should be grateful for those long working hours because without it, you and I wouldn't see each other at all. You're either with Eleanor, family or somewhere unknown to me. We are now very much distanced. From best friends to strangers. It's all my fault. I couldn't keep my feelings to myself and got rejected. How humiliating. I can't even look at you in the eye. Stupid Louis. Why did I love you? And why didn't you love me back? Aren't you supposed to realize that I was the one for you all along. Like that one Taylor Swift song: You Belong With Me.

After I confessed my feelings to you I can't believe you had the nerve to walk away. Not even a single word to tell me that we should just stay friends. You just walked away and I didn't see you until some award show two months later where I had to put my acting skills to the test and be "happy".

I hate you, but I love you. You don't know how many nights have been filled with tears and alcohol. You don't know how much I love you. You don't know what I'd do for you and you don't know what I'd do without you. You don't know how much you hurt me, Louis. Stupid Louis. Stupid me.

I wish I could go back to those days where I wasn't aware of my feelings. When we were the best of friends and joke around all the time. Before you met her, I was actually as stupid as to think I'd have a chance with you. How funny is that.

I can't handle this, Louis. I miss you. I really do. At least you're happy. That's what matters, right? I can't stand to see you sad, it breaks my heart. That's why if being with Eleanor makes you happy, then so be it. Forget about me, pretend I never existed. Marry her, have kids with her and be happy like you're meant to be.

I know you hate me, but don't worry about that.

Do you know what I love about you, Louis? I don't think you deserve to know, but I'll tell you anyways. I love the crinkles under your eyes when you smile, something I don't see any more.  I love the way you used to drink tea, slurping and all. I love the way you'd concentrate a lot while cooking for me. I love the way you'd kick the ball at the parks we used to attend together. I love everything about you. If I wrote about every little thing that I love about you my hand would cramp up, it's already starting to, and the water is already running.

You won't even notice I'm gone. I'll be happy soon. I'll go to a wonderful place and wait for you. It doesn't matter how long it takes, I'll wait for you. I'll wait as much as I have to, but I hope it's going to be a long time before I see you again. You deserve to live a long, happy life.

Sadly, I have to go. I wish I got to see your smile one last time, I wish I got to see you one last time...

 I'll be leaving, never knowing what you actually felt about me. Was it anger? Or maybe Disgust... I'll never know.

If I can't have you then I see no reason to be here.

Love, Harry.

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