People almost never tell the truth, because they are afraid of what people will think if they were truthful.
No matter how hard it is to keep everything as a lie, we always find a way to explain or show others the truth.
Smiling. I smile, I mean who doesn't ? But my smiles are forced. If I ever smile now, it doesn't matter if I'm with friends or family, it is always forced. No one notices because they all think I'm fine. I'm far off.
The smile I have on my face at school, is there because I know my friends will worry about me. And you cant help loving them because of it. But 6 weeks before the half term, I was put on a report that last up to 7 weeks. That report was for my progress in my lessons. In that report if I got a 4 in any lesson, it is bad, a 1 however is brilliant. The first few weeks of that report was bad, 4's all across the board. I realized that I wasn't progressing, and my tutor teacher kept emailing my mum about it. She told me she was fed up with me and school. (keeping in mind, she has been trying to get me to move school for at least two months) she told me to tell my tutor that she doesn't want anymore emails from my school. She didn't want to know what is going on. So I started being ME in class, I was quiet, Stopped shouting out, had correct uniform (most days. What ? I am not changing that much for no one.) I started getting all 1's. But I was scared. Scared that people will realize what is going on. Everyone knows i'm a failure at school. My grades are rubbish.
One day however, I broke. It was a maths lesson. I hate maths with a burning passion. To make it worse the ''popular's'' (stuck up girls who think they are perfect,) are in my maths. At the time they were all literally sitting around me in class. They were having a go at me, because I apparently wasn't even trying to do the work. I was I just didn't understand the work. I never do. And so after the lesson, I had to go to the teacher to get my report. I had asked my friend katie (mentioned in the first part of this.) to wait for me outside the classroom. And she did, because she's the best. Well I went and got my report. The teacher then told me to sit down. So I sat. And she started telling me that my work was unacceptable and that it had to improve. She then went on and asked me what I wanted to when I left school.
Now this may seem stupid, but have wanted to join the army just like my dad did a few years back. I wanted to prove to him and my mum that I could do something like that, and that I was capable. But at Christmas my mum had told me that I cant join the army, because I have self harmed. I looked it up on Google, not believing her. Turns out I cant join the army. So when the teacher had asked me what I wanted to be when I left school, I started tearing up, but she kept going saying that if I didn't sort out my work, I wouldn't be able to do anything when I leave school. At that moment I looked at Katie, and realized that, she could get a job when she leaves. I wont. I cant even tell the time properly, and I don't know my 6 times tables. That point in time I had tears running down my face. I kept asking if I could leave, not wanting to be in the classroom longer than I have to.
I came out of the classroom. And I saw Katie's face, she looked sad, seeing my cry. I made a note to myself that day, to never let anyone see me cry again. EVER. So far I'm doing well.
I had broken that day and I had let three people see it. That's the most people that has ever seen me like that. I had gotten all 4's in that lesson. Now I don't think my tutor had emailed my mum, but I'm sure he told another teacher or two.
I think the only lesson when I can be me, minus the crying and sweatpants. Just to be quiet, and alone. Is in science. I sit on a table with two boys. It is in an L shape, at the front of the classroom.
In science, no one bothers me. But I mess around with my other best friend, Keelin because I don't want people noticing my true colors. I had experienced what it's like to be called names and bullied because of who I am. Sometimes, I scare myself, with the thoughts I have, when i'm alone with my thoughts.