I woke up on the sofa next morning… sober. I shook my head confused. The memories of last night were somehow still imprinted on my mind and I saw everything that happened once again. It made me feel better about everything yet I felt like a cheating whore as well.
I heard my phone started ringing. It was Thursday and I knew I was supposed to go to school but I wasn’t going to today. I didn’t really care and I knew I’d be in trouble or that people would be asking for me if they actually cared. When I found my phone I picked it up without looking at the ID.
“Kerry, where are you?”
“Who is this?”
“Joe, from your class and from the party.”
“I don’t know any Joe. Please don’t ever contact me again.”
I broke the line and lay back down. I didn’t intent to do anything at all today. I didn’t want to do anything I just wanted to go back to last night where Liam was here.
I went to the college and waited for her there. I wanted to talk about last night and I needed to do it now. She needed to know that I was only here to help her and protect her from herself, not for anything else. As soon as she was okay I had to leave again. That was the tricky in this. I don’t think I’d ever be able to leave.
“Kerry, wait… God danm it.”
I heard someone speak on the phone but he was clearly cut off. I needed to know if it was my Kerry he was speaking to so I moved closer without too many people noticing. I was too old to be on school ground and I had been kicked off here before for watching Harry pick her up. I had been watching them for long.
“Was that Kerry Tollis you were speaking with?”
“Who are you?”
“A friend of hers. She’s supposed to be here. Do you know where she is?”
“She told me not to contact her.”
“Do you know where she is?!”
“Chill out mate. I don’t know where she is. No one’s seen her since she left yesterday.”
“No, no, no.”
“What’s going on?”
“Nothing. Are you sure you don’t know where she is?”
“Probably by Harry’s stupid grave writing in her pathetic journal.”
Anger had never really been an issue for me before, but it had become after people were talking shit about Harry. The world knew about his death but no one really knew what happened.
I pushed the guy over his chest and made him fall back giving him a warning to take back the shit he said but the only thing that happened was that I scared him off. People had started noticing that I was there and I soon felt the urge to run away and hide from this. I hated getting angry. I was the caring guy.
I ran over to the cemetery where she was supposed to be sitting. That’s where she usually was at this hour. Harry had told me she was there before as well but he knew he was going to die from the drugs and he told me she would most likely be there when he was gone because she never really left him.
When I couldn’t find her I decided to keep running and keep looking for her till I found her.
I finished when I had been lying on the sofa for what felt like forever. My brain wasn’t working straight, so it took me a bit longer.
When I was done I skipped breakfast and went downstairs. That’s when I saw the door to Harry’s flat was open. No one had cleaned it out yet. I was the only other person who had a key to it besides of course his family but they never really visited him here.
I pushed the door a little but didn’t hear anything but a little cry. It was like they were calling me.
“Are you alright in here?”
The cry was louder and I went into the flat as I had done so many times. I didn’t think about it much I just walked in without saying anything.
I followed the cry but didn’t see anything in the apartment at all. It was all dark in here and no one was here.
But he didn’t answer. No one did.
I went into his bedroom where it happened the first time. The first time we had sex, the first time we were on drugs and the first time I ever felt like I mattered.
I ran my fingers over the untidy bed and felt the memories run through me. Saw how he had taken me down on the bed. This is what I had somehow hoped would happen to Liam and I last night but I guess it was the lust and the drugs that were talking in me.
I sat down in front of the bed at the same place I had done that day we fucked the first time. Here I sat hugging his pillow, crying and feeling shame like I had never felt it before. I had ruined his precious body which had gotten him killed. My danger had killed him and some day it would kill someone else as well.
I cried louder and realised the cry I had heard the whole time was my own. I awoken by my cry and didn’t know how I had gotten into the flat or why I was here.
I heard someone by the door but I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to leave this place right now. I didn’t know what they wanted and I didn’t care. I was here with Harry in the moment we had had about a year ago when everything was fun and laughter.