Trouble {One Direction}

Sometimes we don’t realize things before they’re too late. Sometimes we realise them just before and sometimes we see them at the very beginning. We start moving into the darkness and move around in seducing ankles. It’s fun in the beginning but sometimes it can all be taken to a point where it’s going way out of line. Why couldn’t we stop this before it was too late? Why did we keep moving to the stars and the sound of our own emptiness? But as it’s been said before… the thing about pain is that it’s demanding to be felt and I so felt it this time. I’m so sorry for what I started between us. We could have made it if it wasn’t for what I kept doing to you.

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13. 13

I stayed with Liam for a few days away from everything. It was nice being around him all the time and just have him there, but I still hadn’t made up my mind. I don’t think I’d ever be able to make up my mind.

Things were getting worse for me and I didn’t know how to handle anything anymore. I had been with Liam for about 5 days and it was all downhill from when he first took me here. I had been happy upon arrival but when we had been away and I had been away from the drugs, the alcohol and the sex, it all changed me. I didn’t want to stop anymore because I missed having them around.

“You alright?”

Liam looked at me as I was lying on the sofa in the living room hugging and shirt I had found that used to belong to Harry. It was kinda strange and somehow it still smelled like him.

“Hm?”

“Are you alright Kerry?”

“Sure.”

He shook his head and left. I think he was giving up on everything with me as well, yet somehow he kept fighting.

“You need to get yourself going. You can’t just sit here day in and day out.”

“Then give me my pills.”

“I’m not giving you drugs. You’re going to stop taking them now!”

“Fine.”

There wasn’t a single emotion in my voice. I seemed so cold and careless. Almost like I had lost my humanity. It was a strange feeling even for me, but it seemed to be suiting me better than my usual attitude.

It took Liam everything he had not to get mad at me and honestly I could imagine what it must have felt like for him. Seeing the person you love breakdown the way I did wasn’t anything anyone should go through, but honestly… after everything I had been through I didn’t know what else to do. I guess rehab would be the best thing for me, but Liam was my personal rehab, at least the place he had taken me and the way he treated me made it feel that way.

I kept staring out into the blue in front of me not knowing what to do about myself as I felt my addiction run through my body screaming for me to take some pills of sniff some powder or get something to drink. My brain even begged me for a cigarette and sex but I couldn’t give in to any of it because Liam would kill me. Or I could get him to have sex with me. That was actually the easiest for me to give myself, but I couldn’t do it to Harry’s family. Not in their house.

I got up from the sofa to go to the bathroom and had Liam watching me all the way. He was taking care of me and watching my every move in this house. I then went into the bedroom I shared with him and found my journal. It had been a long time since I had written anything in it so it was strange for me to finally feel it in my hands again.

I found my pen and sat down on the bed and started writing.

It’s been long but something tells me it’s been for the best. I’m hungry for everything right now. It’s been five days and my brain is screaming to give in to the addiction, but I can’t. Liam’s watching me, he’s even watching me as I’m writing this. I think he’s reading my journal as well, which is actually freaking me out a little, and honestly I don’t know how to confront him with it.

I hear voices, voices telling me how Harry’s death was my fault and how I could have gotten him out of there in time. Truth is it wasn’t my fault, and I know that now. Everything with me and Harry wasn’t my fault and I shouldn’t blame myself for it. I guess that’s one step forward in this endless fight I’m having with myself and Liam. I think he thinks I’m going insane but truth is I’ve been insane all this time and there’s nothing to do about it. At least I have enough sanity left to not do anything stupid.

I guess I just gotta keep fighting, maybe all get all my sanity back some day.

I left my journal and the pen on the bed and stared out of the window for a while. I was standing up and looking out like some other insane child taken out of a horror movie, and I guess that’s what I thought of myself. I was the one that couldn’t really be saved even though I was begging to be saved. My head was a mess, I was a mess and I had taken Liam into this when all he really deserved was a normal life or his old famous life back. But somehow I couldn’t believe anyone could have taken the real that away from him. And that’s when I wanted to know.

I wanted to know what it was like to be famous, what it was like to have millions and millions to spend, live in the bigger cities but most of all I wanted to know what it was like to have all the attention you could ask for. I wanted to try that out, because maybe that would be the cure to my unhappiness.

“Liam?”

 I had gone out into the living where he was and looked at him. He was surprised to hear me speak.

“Yeah?”

“I’ve been thinking about something…”

“What is it?”

He moved closer to me and kept his eyes on me in surprise.

“I wanna go to London.” 

I stayed with Liam for a few days away from everything. It was nice being around him all the time and just have him there, but I still hadn’t made up my mind. I don’t think I’d ever be able to make up my mind.

Things were getting worse for me and I didn’t know how to handle anything anymore. I had been with Liam for about 5 days and it was all downhill from when he first took me here. I had been happy upon arrival but when we had been away and I had been away from the drugs, the alcohol and the sex, it all changed me. I didn’t want to stop anymore because I missed having them around.

“You alright?”

Liam looked at me as I was lying on the sofa in the living room hugging and shirt I had found that used to belong to Harry. It was kinda strange and somehow it still smelled like him.

“Hm?”

“Are you alright Kerry?”

“Sure.”

He shook his head and left. I think he was giving up on everything with me as well, yet somehow he kept fighting.

“You need to get yourself going. You can’t just sit here day in and day out.”

“Then give me my pills.”

“I’m not giving you drugs. You’re going to stop taking them now!”

“Fine.”

There wasn’t a single emotion in my voice. I seemed so cold and careless. Almost like I had lost my humanity. It was a strange feeling even for me, but it seemed to be suiting me better than my usual attitude.

It took Liam everything he had not to get mad at me and honestly I could imagine what it must have felt like for him. Seeing the person you love breakdown the way I did wasn’t anything anyone should go through, but honestly… after everything I had been through I didn’t know what else to do. I guess rehab would be the best thing for me, but Liam was my personal rehab, at least the place he had taken me and the way he treated me made it feel that way.

I kept staring out into the blue in front of me not knowing what to do about myself as I felt my addiction run through my body screaming for me to take some pills of sniff some powder or get something to drink. My brain even begged me for a cigarette and sex but I couldn’t give in to any of it because Liam would kill me. Or I could get him to have sex with me. That was actually the easiest for me to give myself, but I couldn’t do it to Harry’s family. Not in their house.

I got up from the sofa to go to the bathroom and had Liam watching me all the way. He was taking care of me and watching my every move in this house. I then went into the bedroom I shared with him and found my journal. It had been a long time since I had written anything in it so it was strange for me to finally feel it in my hands again.

I found my pen and sat down on the bed and started writing.

It’s been long but something tells me it’s been for the best. I’m hungry for everything right now. It’s been five days and my brain is screaming to give in to the addiction, but I can’t. Liam’s watching me, he’s even watching me as I’m writing this. I think he’s reading my journal as well, which is actually freaking me out a little, and honestly I don’t know how to confront him with it.

I hear voices, voices telling me how Harry’s death was my fault and how I could have gotten him out of there in time. Truth is it wasn’t my fault, and I know that now. Everything with me and Harry wasn’t my fault and I shouldn’t blame myself for it. I guess that’s one step forward in this endless fight I’m having with myself and Liam. I think he thinks I’m going insane but truth is I’ve been insane all this time and there’s nothing to do about it. At least I have enough sanity left to not do anything stupid.

I guess I just gotta keep fighting, maybe all get all my sanity back some day.

I left my journal and the pen on the bed and stared out of the window for a while. I was standing up and looking out like some other insane child taken out of a horror movie, and I guess that’s what I thought of myself. I was the one that couldn’t really be saved even though I was begging to be saved. My head was a mess, I was a mess and I had taken Liam into this when all he really deserved was a normal life or his old famous life back. But somehow I couldn’t believe anyone could have taken the real that away from him. And that’s when I wanted to know.

I wanted to know what it was like to be famous, what it was like to have millions and millions to spend, live in the bigger cities but most of all I wanted to know what it was like to have all the attention you could ask for. I wanted to try that out, because maybe that would be the cure to my unhappiness.

“Liam?”

 I had gone out into the living where he was and looked at him. He was surprised to hear me speak.

“Yeah?”

“I’ve been thinking about something…”

“What is it?”

He moved closer to me and kept his eyes on me in surprise.

“I wanna go to London.” 

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