After I left the boys, I was pretty upset but nobody seemed to notice . Well just Derek who tried distracting me and making me laugh. He always knew when I needed space and when I needed somebody. It worked my mind was focused on this weird argument about socks. I know we are really weird. My roommate, Karen , accidentally reminded me of Luke by giving me a billion questions about 5SOS. I froze but answered "They are sweet and really funny." I turned to look at them but somehow Michael reminded me so much of my cousin. I got up and just started walking and honestly I didn't even know where I was headed towards. I had several thoughts in my head all at once such as the Luke incident and leaving all my amazing friends who were like my second family. I left ALL of the members of my family just to chase my dreams. I began to think that it wasn't worth it , I mean I'm suffering and so are they. What will happen when I leave Berkeley as well. I didn't want to even imagine that so I just kept on walking. Once I was far away I called home. It was my "baby" cousin's birthday and I haven't had time to congratulate him. Once I heard his voice my body started shaking and I felt my tears stream down my face. My voice cracked , I was happy but sad I couldn't enjoy the highest milestone in his life. It hit me so hard that he was 18 and it seemed like just yesterday he was 5 , playing with me and his older brother. The three of us were always close and now I don't even see them . It has been 3 years since I hugged them and the last time was when I left them... I realized I missed home more than I ever let out. I had the memories of laughter, tears, joy and even anger. We caught up and reminisced but then had to leave because he had to attend a dinner. I spent a couple of minutes trying to recover. I dried my eyes and began to walk back.
I knew Jess was more depressed then she was letting out but I decided to give her space. She needed to be alone with her thoughts without being criticized by anyone. She had been missing for over an hour and I couldn't see her . I began to grow concern. As the famous 5SOS was on break, I decided to March towards Charlotte who was unaware of Jess's disappearance. " Where's Jess, " I asked and then added " She's been missing for over an hour and we all have tried to call he phone but she doesn't seem to answer. Frankly, I think something is bothering her." Charlotte was shocked and grew worried as well. She began to call Jess but there was no answer.
WHAT? How could they not find her? I began to get nervous. Was it my fault? Was I too harsh on her? Jess was missing and it was all my fault. How could I have done that to such an amazing girl. Everyone was worried even the boys. Charlotte called her again and she finally answered .... Charlotte had her on speaker to calm everyone down " Where the hell are you? " , "On the other side of the bay" . " Why don't you answer your phone?" .
" I'm sorry, I was just talking to my cousin. It's his birthday and we were just catching up." "Well, Jess come where I can see you." "Okay, I'll be right there." I felt a great relief that she was okay. In the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of her. Her eyes were swollen and were really red. Shit. Did I cause that? I felt horrible. This sweet girl was crying because of me and the worst part is that I never wanted to hurt her.
Everyone began to surround me and were just starring at me. I felt awkward as I walked towards them. Everyone asked me if I was okay and I am or I think I am. I said yes and began to walk towards the rocks. My friends understood and began talking to the boys. I walked to the rocks again. I felt someone follow me to the rocks. I thought it was Derek but it wasn't....
I felt responsible for Jess crying so I followed her. She sat on a rock and I began to apologize. "Why are you apologizing? You didn't do anything but I appreciate it." She said as she turned to me. I was in disbelief "Then why are you crying? I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings I didn't mean to." "Luke, I admit it hurt but that's not why I'm crying." She seemed so fragile yet strong which only increased my affection towards her. I was trying to understand her, " Then will you tell me why you were crying?" I was hoping I have earned her trust. "Okay, well I'm just...... home.....sick and.... I miss everyone back........ home. I mean....... I ........couldn't even be there for my cousin's .....birthday. I have so many memories that .......torment me .....and ....make question my decisions." She was so sensitive and trying her best to hold back her tears. I put my arm around her and began to hug her to try to comfort her. When she was around me I felt tingly almost like butterflies especially when she touched me. Her head rested on my chest. Oh, this girl was making me feel so many emotions, it is just so indescribable. It was like the world just belonged to us and only us. Her smile, she was still beautiful as she cried into my chest. I couldn't shake this feeling and I began to get nervous. She reminded me of She looks so perfect (SLSP).
"Simmer down, Simmer down. They say we're too young now to amount to anything else. But look around, we worked too damn hard for this just to give it up now. If you don't swim, you'll drown but don't move honey. You look so so perfect standing there in my American apparel underwear. And I know now that I'm so down..." The song kept playing in my head as I realized this girl has worked to hard and I couldn't let her give up. I didn't want this honey to move ,I wanted her to remain in my chest. I was feeling down because she is so fragile and just having her so close to me got to me. She looked so perfect ......WAIT NO ! She WAS SO PERFECT <3 As I held her , I blushed and began to feel the urge to protect her and love her with ALL my heart. She looked up from my chest, carefully so she was still on it and our eyes met. I smiled. I knew then that I was in love with Jess and I couldn't shake it and I didn't want to EVER. I WANTED AND NEEDED THIS MOMENT TO LAST FOREVER !