Today’s sky was greyer than ever. My world had lost his colours a few days ago but it only seemed to get darker and darker every day. My sunshine left that world too early.
I stepped out of the car and started making my way toward the plain white building, looking down at my feet. Since last week, loneliness had become my only companion. I didn’t want to look around me to see all the sad faces. It would only make me sadder. Halfway through the small crowd, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I didn’t need to turn around to know who it was.
“Niall, are you ready?” I didn’t move or nod. I felt my throat getting dry as I tried to answer.
“Liam... Tell me it’s a nightmare, please. I want to wake up. I need to wake up.” I looked up at my old friend, whose eyes were sparkling with sadness. He didn’t answer but hugged me tightly and I let the flow of tears stream down my cheeks to fall onto his jacket.
After what seemed to be long minutes, I heard footsteps getting closer and another familiar voice spoke gently, “It’s time to get in, Niall.” I moved away from Liam who squeezed my shoulder a last time before I walked toward Zayn. I tried to smile at him; to show him how thankful I was for being there for me with the other lads, but I failed. It was like my body forgot how to smile. Happiness now belonged to my past.
Zayn moved closer and put his arm around me to help me walking. His support meant everything now that I had nothing anymore. The way toward the huge room seem to last a long while but he stayed beside me all along, smiling weakly at me. I had to stay strong. She wouldn’t like me to cry like a little child. But how could I stay strong? She was gone forever. And I would be alone forever.
We entered the room and I knew everyone had turned their heads to look at me. I tried to ignore their stares or I would cry harder than ever just by seeing their sad faces and crying eyes.
“We’re almost there,” Zayn whispered in my ear. I nodded and as I looked up, I saw the brown coffin in the middle of the aisle. Suddenly, my last strengths left me and I collapsed on the ground though Zayn still was holding me. Tears blurred my sight and my sobs echoed through the room. The flow of tears was unstoppable as I thought of her and all our past memories. Why did she leave me? I wish she could still be with me today. I would do anything to bring her back to life.
I felt people lifting me up and Liam’s voice whispered in my ear, “It will be alright, Niall. Try to stay strong just for a while. Do it for Eileen. She wouldn’t like you to be like that on her funerals. She would ask you to stop crying and smile.” His words hurt but it was the truth. I had to stay strong for her.
I wiped away my tears to see where I was and made my way with the other men toward a bench. Zayn sat down beside me and I held his arm tightly as if I needed him not to burst into tears again. Beside me sat Harry, Louis and Liam. I turned my head to look at them and my eyes met their sad ones. This time I managed to smile weakly at my four best friends.
Then, everything went quiet and a man started to speak. I stared at him though his words didn’t reach my ears. Though the room was full with people, I felt more alone than ever. We all were reunited here thanks to her but I wish we weren’t. I wish I could still be alone with her.
“Niall, it’s your turn,” Zayn’s voice got me out of m thought. I nodded and stood up to walk toward her coffin. Breathing deeply, I tried to fight back the tears. I could not ruin my last chance to tell her goodbye. I made a sign to Louis, who stood up to bring me my guitar. I whispered a quick thank you and began my speech.
“Eileen, today is the day I have dreaded the most in my entire life. But it had come. Too early, but it came. I don’t have the right words to tell you all the things I’ve always wanted to tell but I know the right way to try to tell these things.”
And I started playing an old and familiar song.
“Shut the door, turn the light off. I wanna be with you, I wanna feel your love, I wanna lay beside you, I cannot hide this even though I try. Heart beats harder. Time escapes me, trembling hands touch skin. It makes this hard girl. And the tears stream down my face.”
“Ever since you left me, the tears couldn’t stop streaming down my face. All I did was trying to remember all those moments we shared during all these years. I remembered the day we met, the way I felt when I first saw you. I will never forget the day you came into my life. None of us knew how things would turn but now, we know it was the best thing that ever happened to us. I will never forget the way you always succeed bringing a smile on my face; all the happiness I felt when I was with you. You made me become a better person but now that you’re gone I’m afraid of what will happen. Wherever you are, will you still be watching over me so I can know you still love me?”
“If we could only have this life for one more day. If we could only turn back time. You know I’ll be your life, your voice, your reason to be. My love, my heart is breathing for this moment, in time; I’ll find the words to say before you leave me today.”
“I wish we could turn back time. I wish we could start it all over again since the day we met. I wish these moments had never ended. We spent the most incredible time together. See how sad I am now that you’re not here anymore to share any other moments with me. I also want you to know that you have always been and will always be my reason to be. There was no day I didn’t fight for your love, to keep you with me. You had become the reason why I was happy and why I felt truly alive. I have been afraid to lose you a few times but it was worth fighting for you. Even though you already left me, my heart still breaths for these moments we shared and for you.”
“Close the door, throw the key. Don’t wanna be reminded, don’t wanna be seen, don’t wanna be without you. My judgement’s clouded like tonight’s sky. Hands are silent, voice is numb. Try to scream out my lungs. It makes this harder girl. And the tears stream down my face. If we could only have this life for one more day. If we could only turn back time. You know I’ll be your life, your voice, your reason to be. My love, my heart is breathing for this moment, in time; I’ll find the words to say before you leave me today.”
“I remember waking up every day by your side; your smile brightening up every morning. Today, I wake up on my own and no one to smile at me. My world became darker ever since you left me. I’m afraid I won’t see the light anymore. And what’s the matter of looking for light when my only sunshine is gone? Everything is colourless without you. You had a gift to turn sadness into happiness. Just with one smile, you made me feel better. And now I’m lost without your smile. I don’t smile anymore; I don’t know how to smile anymore. I’m crying all the time; screaming and shouting to try to bring you back. But words are not enough to show how my heart is hurt. You were my everything, Eileen.”
“Flashes light in my mind, going back to the time, playing games in the street, kicking balls with my feet. There’s a numb in my toes, standing close to the edge. There’s a pile of my clothes at the end of your bed. As I feel myself fall, make a joke of it all. If we could only have this life for one more day. If we could only turn back time. You know I’ll be your life, your voice, your reason to be. My love, my heart is breathing for this moment, in time; I’ll find the words to say before you leave me today.”
“Wherever I go, memories flash in my mind. You are everywhere. Anything reminds me of you and I’m sick of it. I’m sick of seeing you where I know you will never be anymore. Now that you’re gone, I wander anywhere, aimless. My life doesn’t have a sense anymore. I’m standing alone in a world which was ours before. I would like to thank you for being with me. I would like to tell you how happy I am to have met you and shared your life. I have nothing to regret because I have been the happiest man alive. And these memories are here to remind it to me. Wherever I will go, I will take those memories with me and it will feel like you’re still a bit with me. I shall always remember everything. Because you were my reason to be.”
I stopped talking and burst into tears. I couldn’t add any other words. I had said everything I wanted to say. I wished she could have heard me. I saw my four mates walking toward me and Louis took my guitar away.
“She must be crying with happiness and smiling wider than ever wherever she is, Niall,” Harry muttered and I smiled through the tears. He handed me a single red rose and winked. I looked up at him, slightly surprised and saw he was crying too. I hugged them one by one, feeling slightly better at the mere thought of having them by my side right now.
I stepped closer to the coffin and laid down the rose upon it, whispering for the last time,
“I love you, Eileen.”