It was a long day at work for Minjung. She couldn’t keep her mind on anything, it would always wander off into the nothingness she was growing so accustomed to “feeling“. And honestly she was enjoying it. The feeling of not feeling. It was such a relief sometimes. However her boss noticed it and pulled her aside “Yah, Yang Minjung. What is up with you? Are you sick?” Minjung shook her head “Ah. No.” she said and bowed. “I’m sorry. I will work harder.” her boss looked at her for a few minutes. “No. I think this is it for today. You can go home.” Her heart started beating fast when she heard those words. Go home? This early? Woojin will be furious. She felt instant fear. “No… No please let me stay. I will work harder. I promise!” Her boss then nodded. “Okay. But if I see you slacking off again, you will leave me with no choice.” he said and walked away. Minjung let out the breath she didn’t even knew she had been holding in and got back to work. Very careful not to let her mind wander again. When the time hit 17.00, work was over and she headed to the grocery shop to pick up things for dinner. Careful not to take too long.
When she got home Woojin was nowhere to be found. She felt relieved. She made herself a cup of tea and allowed herself to sit down on the couch and relax. Something she hadn’t done in a very long time. She realised how exhausted she was, and leaned her head back and closed her eyes. She must’ve drifted off to sleep because when she opened her eyes Woojin stood in front of her and stared coldly at her. He grabbed her hair and pulled her up, pushing her towards the kitchen. “I’m hungry.” was all he said. She hurried to the kitchen and prepared the dinner.
After they had eaten Woojin got up and walked towards her. She looked up into his eyes with a pleading look. Please don’t do anything that hurt’s she thought. He let out a disgusted sound and walked away. She knew she had angered him, and she knew she would be paying for it later. She quickly cleaned the table and did the dishes. Afterwards she decided to take a shower to calm her thoughts.
As she stood in the shower, she looked down on her naked body. She saw all the bruises and marks that Woojin had left. She felt disgusted with what she saw. She hated herself. Resented herself. She wanted to escape all this. But she didn’t know how. She didn’t have anywhere to go. Only here.Woojin was the only one that would ever want her. Maybe she should just die?
She got scared of the bare thought of dying. She didn’t want to die. She just wanted to get away from all this pain that threatened to break her any minute. She hit herself for thinking about death. What was she thinking? She didn’t have the courage to do it. And…. Kwangmin would surely be sad… Wouldn’t he? Maybe he just saw her as useless and worthless as she saw herself. She started crying silently, happy that the water from the shower hid the tears. She didn’t like to cry. It made her feel vulnerable.
It took 15 minutes for her to calm down again. She stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around herself. She decided it was time to cut her bangs; they were beginning to cover her eyes slightly. She found the scissor in the drawer and started cutting it. When she was done she looked in the mirror, satisfied with the result. When she was about to put the scissor down she accidentally cut herself. She looked at the cut. It wasn’t deep, but a little bit of blood came out. She stared at it, and soon realised that the pain she felt in her finger, kind of overlapped the pain she felt in her heart. But not for long. She tried again, and cut a bit deeper this time. And felt the pain in her heart get lighter. She smiled a bit. But then felt immediate regret. What was she doing? Wasn’t it enough that Woojin hurt her? Did she have to hurt herself as well? She felt disgusted with herself. But she still couldn’t forget the feeling.
A few days had past. Woojin came home one day in a really bad mood, and of course he took it all out on Minjung. Earning her a few bruises along her ribs. The pain was too much; it almost felt like she was going to explode. Like she couldn’t keep everything in anymore. She went to the bathroom, not knowing what to do, she found the scissor and without thinking she cut three symmetrical lines in her wrist. Relief washed over her as she sank to the floor, blood dripping from the three red lines.
She closed her eyes, and stopped thinking. Just enjoyed the pain in her wrist that took away everything else. Soon after the feeling vanished and sherealised what she had done. Her heart beat faster and faster. Panicking she thought of how to hide the scars. Woojin couldn’t notice them. Neither could Kwangmin. Especially not Kwangmin. She wouldn’t allow it. This would be yet another secret she couldn’t share with the world.
She found a bracelet big enough to cover it, and went out of the bathroom. “I’m going out for a walk oppa.” she said. Woojin shrugged his shoulders. “Whatever” he said.
After walking around for a bit, clearing her head, she decided to text Kwangmin. “Hyung~! Do you want to come out and walk with me?”
They decided to meet up at the park nearby in fifteen minutes.