To be forgotten

You can take away my family, you can take away all my stuff and you can take away my hope. I've still given up and I want to just fall away in oblivion.


10. Not to be whole

Niall lay under my blanket and he held me tight. I was lying with my ​​head on his chest and I let my fingers slide easily over one area of ​​his shirt. 
"I dreamed my first nightmare a week after the funeral and I panicked. At first I thought they took revenge on me. I thought they weren't happy with me and I ended up living. I thought that they would kill me." 
Niall kept me hard and he listened. 
"Why would they kill their only daughter?" 
I swallowed. I hadn't thought through it all so carefully. 
"I don't know, but I was afraid." 
I felt Niall kiss me on the head. 
"If I were your parents, I would be heartbroken that you didn't go on. I think they want you to live."
I swallowed and tried to envision my two happy parents. I didn't wanna see the nightmares every time I was thinking about them. 
"You know what I'm most afraid of?" 
Niall shook his head. I looked up at him and I felt the tears came again. 
"That I'll forget what they look like. I'm afraid to wake up and not remember what they were like. I want to remember the happy moments." 
He smiled weakly. 
"It will come, sweetheart. You will remember the happy days and you wont forget them."
He sounded so sure of that. His eyes said it all and he was so harmonious. I felt safe in his arms and it was almost as if I was at home with Niall. 
"Why did you stay here?" I whispered questioningly. He blushed slightly and I saw that he was thinking of a good answer. 
"Honestly." I mumbled. Niall met my gaze, and he blushed slightly. 
"It feels like my life is here. When I get home it's so empty and I hate emptiness. I have always worked as much as I can, but now I have you."
I smiled weakly. 
"Is that why you started the thing with lawyers, you want to do something?" 
He raised his eyebrows. 
"Well, I don't know, I think it also depends on the injustice that you and the others were subjected to. You were weak and they took advantage of it." 
I nodded and laid his head back against his chest. I heard his heart pounding and I liked the sound. It was like I was so close to him as I could be and I liked it


I woke up when the door opened. I felt Nialls arms around my body and I heard that he slept. I looked up and met Matt's gaze. He smiled big and sneaked into the room. 
"Is it okay with you?" 
I nodded and yawned. I realized I had slept without dreaming and I was almost surprised. 
"We talked last night." 
He laughed a little bit and seemed amused. 
"I understand that." He looked quickly at the devices and chose to then go to the door to leave us alone. He closed the door quietly behind him and I heard just how it was shut. Niall slept on and I knew he was tired.


"I fell asleep, right?" Niall mumbled and seemed almost surprised. I smiled and remained with my head on him. 
"I had a dream no nightmare." I whispered and giggled lightly. "I slept and I dreamed nothing that I can remember." 
Niall smiled faintly and he seemed to try to perk up. He raised one hand and rubbing his eyes. With the other arm, he held me. 
"Oh no dream?" 
I smiled and looked up at him. 
"Thank you for listening." 
He removed his hand and he looked at me. 
"It's I who should thank you to dare telling that to me."


The nurse, who I now knew was called Emma, helped me out of the room. I sat in the wheelchair and had a blanket around my body. She took me out to a balcony and put me in the shade from the sun. 
"Will it be good here?" 
I nodded and smiled gratefully at her. I saw how she disappeared away and I relaxed. I looked over the yard, I saw how people went back and forth. I saw birds and I saw the green trees. I realized that I had missed many things during my two years. I had almost been in a coma and I couldn't remember that the sky was so blue. I didn't remembered that green was so green. It was like a new world and I smiled weakly. I saw before me all the summers that I had spent with my parents and I actually remembered how they looked like.


"Come and swim!" 
I ran down to the sea and I saw them in the water. Dad had always something to float around with on the water. This summer he had a mattress that was filled with air. He helped me to get on it and I laughed. 
"Take me out deeper!" 
He obeyed me and I remembered how he swam behind the mattress. I could swim and I loved to test my limits. I was fearless and I dare a lot. 
"Are we really going deeper, it's deep?" 
I looked at him and grinned. 
"Dad, trust me!" 
He laughed and just shook his head. 
"You are naughty? It would have been better if I had a son?" 
My dad always joked that I was like a son. I played soccer, I loved to climb trees and I hated dolls. My happiest day was when I got a tree house. All other friends had cute little playhouse, but my house was high up in a tree and it took a lot before I was reaching up to it.


I awoke out of my mind that Matt came up to me. He smiled and sat down on a chair next to me. 
"Next week, you start to move your legs." he said. "You have to build up your muscles and I have made ​​an appointment with the hospital gym." 
I nodded and understood that I had come a long way. 
"And how's my body?" 
He laughed a little bit and I saw that he was pleased with me. 
"It just looks good." 
I felt happy over the information. I nodded and looked down at my hands. Much had happened since I arrived and I had Matt to thank for much. 
"I'm grateful for all that you do for me." I said honestly, looking at him again. He smiled as big as he had always done. 
"It's yourself you should thank. It's not I who made the progress, it's you who made them. I was just showing you the way."
He watched me closely and he seemed to want to saying more. 
"There's one thing I can't do for you." he whispered. "I know it's not the right time to talk about this, but ..." 
I saw at him that it was something serious. I swallowed and tried to be strong. 
"It's better that you tell me the truth." 
Matt nodded. 
"The thing is that some things in your body has been damaged by that you were so skinny. Among other things, it will be difficult for you to get pregnant." 
I balked. 
Matt looked up and he looked into my eyes. 
"When you get anorexia, some parts take damage and you are a victim of it."
I was almost shocked. 
"You mean I never ....?" 
He swallowed. 
"I'm sorry, but it's the truth. You don't have high chances of getting pregnant."


I don't know if I was sad or if I was just empty. I lay in bed and just stared at the wall. Okay, I hadn't wanted children yet, but in the future? I didn't hear that Niall came into the room, not until he sat on the chair and looked at me. I met his gaze and he balked. 
"Tell me about it." 
I swallowed and I hesitated. I realized that no man would want me and I realized that I wasn't a real woman. I was just something that worked at half speed. 
"I found out one thing today." I whispered. Still, I wasn't sure how I would take it all. My body felt both regret, but also disappointing. 
"Come on and say it." Niall whispered with a kind voice. "It can't be worse than anything else?" 
I swallowed. 
"Niall, I can't have children. I will never be a mom."
He frowned and he just stared at me. He didn't understand what I said. I hesitated and swallowed. 
"It means that I'm not capable." I whispered. "Matt told me today and I don't know if I should be sad or disappointed." 
Niall took my hands in his and he lowered his eyes. 
"Boy, they've ruined everything for you. Those fucking idiots." 
I was startled 
Niall sighed. 
"May I say this to the lawyer?" 
I swallowed. 
"Niall, this isn't about what I have suffered, it's about me, just me." 
Still, he looked pleadingly at me. 
"Please, you don't know what has come forward in the investigation. There are those who will never be able to walk, there are girls who have been raped and there are guys who can't see a door without shouting out straight. Please!"
I hesitated. 
"Is everything about the investigation?" 
He shook his head and tried to smile at me. 
"No, it's about people's value and it's a matter of that they has put their hand to thousands of victims, including you." 
I swallowed and was still unsure. 
"I don't want to testify." 
He nodded. 
"I promise, you wont have to testify." 
I nodded and I made a decision on my own. 
"Okay," I whispered. "You may tell it to the lawyers."

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