My room had cold white walls. I had a bed, a desk and out the door was always locked at night. It was because they wanted to protect me, but also to protect themselves from me. At my ceiling was a lamp. The cold light shone down on the floor and in the summer there were always flies that buzzed around in it. I had a window, but I rarely saw through it. There was grating on the outside and if I took the time to peek out, I would see the path to the sea. I could see the sandy beach and I could see the ocean. I didn't care about it! I couldn't stand to see the outside world. I just wanted to stay in bed and I just wanted to vanish away. My aunt had left some books, my laptop and other things that she thought I wanted. I wondered why she chose books. She wanted me to read them? She wanted me to realize that life continued? I hated all the books, because they reminded me of my mom. She loved books and she always made sure that I had a book to read. The last book she bought for me was a short story. The girl who fell in love with the guy and in the end they always got each other. I hated that particular book, because it was the last one I got.
"Rise and shine!"
The nurse always came into my room in the morning. She knew I wouldn't leave the bed, but she came in and turned off the light in the ceiling. She picked everything in order and then smiled at me.
"Why don't you try to get out of the room today?"
I turned her my back and closed my eyes. I closed her out and I couldn't cope with her cheeky cheerful mood.
"We're coming in with the breakfast."
I knew it! They always had to do that, but they were always careful to point out it. I didn't know her name and I had no idea what she wanted. Sometimes the psychologist come in and he was always trying to keep on talking with me. I never answered and I said nothing to him. Yet there he sat on the chair, smiled and told me about the world that no one cared about.
"Today a new guy coming here and going to work here."
I opened my eyes and immediately I saw the crack in the wall. I had so many times seen the crack and sometimes I imagined it getting bigger.
"He's going to help us this summer." I heard her continue. "Many of you are here and we need all the help we can get."
I noted that the crack hadn't changed and I was almost disappointed. I felt she corrected my quilt and she did so that the window was opened. She always released fresh air into my room and in the evening they closed the window again. Maybe that was why the flies found my lamp? I felt sorry for the flies. On the day they could leave the room, but at night where they just locked up as I was.
The breakfast came into my room on a tray. She put it on my desk and I heard that she sighed.
"If you don't eat your food, they will make you do it."
My stomach rumbled and I smelled the scent of orange juice. I knew there was porridge in a deep dish and some sandwiches. If I was lucky they had also given me a fruit, but usually they forgot to include it.
I only drank juice. I left everything on the tray and it was enough to silence my hunger. I had lost several kilos since I had gotten there. My body was narrow and I realized I slowly faded away. Once upon a time, I had been running around and loved to move my body. Now I just dried to take me to the toilet and back to bed. I had no strength left and I couldn't even think clearly.
I tried not to fall asleep. I hated to sleep. I knew what I was dreaming and I hated that dream. Every time I closed my eyes I saw my family and my old life. The dream always ended with that I saw a plane explode into a thousand pieces and I always woke up with a scream. I was grateful that no one heard me and that no one cared about why I often screamed. It was my private world and I wouldn't let anyone else know what I had in my head.
"And this is Sandra." I heard someone say. I understood that they showed around the new guy and I knew what he was thinking. "There's she that nobody cares about." He would be right if he thought so! I was a forgotten zero and I was happy with it.
"We are doing everything we can for her, but it feels as she's a hopeless case."
I smiled a little bit and continued to stare toward the wall.
"Why don't you take a wheelchair and take her out?"
I balked. The voice sounded Irish and it was soft. Wheelchair? Still, I would scream and refuse to sit in it. The guy didn't know about me, but he would learn that they couldn't get me to participate in anything.
"We can't afford that." I heard her answer. "It was a good thought, but we have to put money on them that we can save."
In a way, I was happy. Finally they realized that I was hopeless. At last they understood that I didn't want more and maybe they'd let me die in peace?
I fell asleep!
I ran into the fog and I didn't know where I was going. I had panic all over and everywhere I heard voices shouting my name.
"Mom where are you?"
I ran and looked down at the ground. My feet were bloody and I saw that I had lost a few nails. I began to feel the pain and eventually I fell foreward.
"Daddy help me!"
It hurt so bad in my legs that I couldn't get up. I started to cry and I wanted them to find me. The fog lifted and I saw before me an air plane plunged from the sky. It landed straight into the sea and exploded.
"Mom, dad, no ...."