9. Emotions and anxiety
A week went by and I slowly began to increase the intake of food. Matt was happy with me and he was talking about that my body slowly came to life. I was still weak and it was difficult to stand up. Still, I was pleased with myself. My body was no longer totally exhausted, and there was little strength to pick up.
"So how was the day?" asked Niall happily and he sat down next to me again. He took my hand, as usual, and smiled at me.
"Better!" I said with a twinkle in my eye. He laughed and nodded with satisfaction.
"They said that you eat more?"
I nodded proudly.
"I ate the whole banana in one go, today."
Niall seemed to rejoice.
"So when should we replace the banana to an apple?"
"Why an apple?"
"One secret. Apples are nutritious against bananas I've heard."
I smiled and nodded.
"Then I now eat apples?"
Niall nodded and watched me closely. He hesitated, but he couldn't lie to me.
"Your aunt wants to come."
I was serious. Niall gulped and he saw at me that I hesitated.
"Why wont you talk to her?"
I swallowed and looked away. I didn't want to bring up what once happened and I didn't want to talk about it.
"She's coming tomorrow." said Niall quickly. "I promised her that you wanted to talk to her again and I said it's about time to do so."
I didn't want to do that, but how would I explain it to him?
I was shaking all over when my aunt came into the room. She looked healthy and I saw that her belly was big. I remembered that I had heard that she was pregnant, but still it felt so strange. She lived on and she didn't seemed to miss my parents.
"How are you?"
I didn't answer her question. I avoided her and I felt the tears pushed behind my eyes. I swallowed and looked down at my hands. She sat down on my bed and looked at me.
"Tim greet and Austin."
I saw at her that she meant well. Her husband and her son greeted? I just nodded weakly and felt my body was shaking even more.
"We will be going to Italy." she said, and smiled weakly. I realized that it was what the psychologist had told me. "Austin wants to Spain."
She came all the way to me, just to talk about what I knew? I was almost annoyed.
"I was at the graves today."
I was startled and looked up at her. She smiled back weakly and I saw that she had tears in her eyes.
"I usually go there when it's hardest, but I have to keep myself strong. I have a son and a husband to think about."
I saw at her she was just as scared as I felt. I saw that she wasn't that strong aunt as I thought she was.
"Why did you leave me?"
She was startled and looked straight into my eyes.
"I didn't leave you?"
I let the tears come.
"You just gave up on me and you didn't help me."
She started to cry and I saw that she was struggling to hold her together.
"I couldn't." she whispered honestly. "I was so tired and I was so engrossed in my own grief that I didn't want to destroy you. I thought I was doing right. You just disappeared and I could no longer talk to you."
I also started to cry even more.
"I was screaming for help."
She threw herself over me and I felt how she hugged me tightly.
"Sorry, I had no idea that you ended up in the wrong place. I thought it would help you."
I felt my whole body shook. I took my arms around her body and closed my eyes.
"It just got worse."
She sobbed and released me.
"I know and I will never let a single person do that to you again."
I saw that she was serious.
"Promise not to forget me."
She pulled her hand through my hair and smiled uncertainly.
"I promise, I promise with all my heart and I wont forget you."
Niall saw that I had been crying and he understood that we had been talking about the right things. He smiled and sat down next to me.
"It will get better."
I wiped my face and took a deep breath.
"Why wont the pain go away? Why can't I just drop it?"
Niall looked straight into my eyes.
"Because you haven't processed your grief."
I was startled and looked at him.
"I do that every night?"
He shook his head.
"No, you're just got nightmares, but have you ever really cried, screamed and become crazy sad?"
I shook my head.
He raised his eyebrows.
"You must be crazy sad before it gets better. One has to shout and you have to feel it over and over again. Otherwise the feelings will eat you up inside."
I began to understand what he meant. I began to understand where he wanted to go with me.
"So I have to feel everything over and over again?"
Niall nodded and he didn't released me with his eyes.
"I'm sorry but that's the only way through hell to heaven."
I woke in the middle of the night. I had once again dreamed a nightmare and I screamed. I was shaking and I was sweating cold. I felt my whole body had panicked and I just wanted to die. I wasn't aware that Niall was with me. I just felt his arms around my body. I felt that he lay down beside me and he held me tight in his arms.
"It will pass." he whispered tenderly. "It was just a dream."
I took my arms around his body and I held him tight, I put my head against his chest and I didn't want to let go of him.
"Mom and Dad died again."
He ran his hand through my hair.
"You can only die once, sweetheart."
I closed my eyes. I still saw the dream in front of me and it was so real.
"Why did they leave me? I hadn't done anything and yet they left me."
Niall continued to try to calm me down.
"They got into an accident. They didn't leave you."
I cried and I felt the emptiness inside me. I felt how much I was missing them and I felt sorrow.
"I never said goodbye." I whispered and Niall realized I regretted my last words to my parents. He understood that I regretted many things. "I didn't even told them that I loved them. I believed we would meet again, and then they were just gone."