Michaels cuts are fading...
He's happy. He found his purpose.
I'm still here. Unhappy just waiting for my time to come but it's taking long. I haven't tried ever since my fail. I haven't done much since then. Long baths are my favourite now I guess you can say. Burning hot water. Clear water turning red is in my head but in reality it's still clear because of Harry.
When am I going to find my happiness? No one can answer that. Because I'm hopeless and where there's no hope there's no life.
I'm mad with myself. I can't stand the person I have become and I'm tired. I'm tired! Why doesn't anyone hear me. My demons feed off my helpless thoughts. I'm going nowhere. I'm stuck. Stuck in a horrible reality which is life. I can never make anything worth while because I just hate everything.
Alexis texted me today.
Lexi:)- hey ash(:
To Lexi:)- hi
Lexi:)- what r u up 2?
To Lexi:)- just you know hanging out
Lexi:)- can I come over and hang out 2?
To Lexi:)- yeah if that's what you want to do
She came over. I don't know why she tries I'm a train wreck. I'm useless I have nothing to give I'm a waste of her time. But she keeps coming back. I guess I tried to entertain her. Every corner of the room they were waiting for me to screw up so the can take me in and hurt me. Swallow me in to this horrible darkness. Into shadowland. Where my darkest nights will replay over and over and I'll just be standing in a corner helpless to help my own desperate body screaming for help. She asked me If I was okay. I said yes of course but honestly I wasn't.
Earlier that day in the bathroom I was having a break down. I wasn't okay! I need help. I just need some one. Someone to love me. I miss my mom. I need her love.
I'm just bait left to be eaten by the wolves. Helpless. I was created for this world to eat me alive. But how can I die when I've need dead inside for all these years. I make theses cuts so maybe my soul can escape this ugly shell and be free. Be happy and safe with flowers and clouds everywhere. Where no one has I suffer.
I be live there is a hell.
Why don't I listen to people,why don't I just leave already?
-5/22/10 Ashton Irwin