True Colors, Ironically Speaking (Homestuck)


9. Chapter 9: Ah, Yes, The Monthly Review

"Pleathe, thomebody, thwitch with me."

The words were out the very moment the four of them got their orders, which were taken at a diner a few minutes of walking distance away from campus.

It had been one month since this whole project started. Dave had never ended up bothering to tell Ecto about the whole thing with his brother, but they hadn't talked much the day after that anyways. He'd logged on at 4 PM and after typing for a few minutes, noticed that his friend wasn't really making a lot of sense and had made a fuckton of typing errors. When asked about it, the stranger admitted that he hadn't slept since they last talked, and Dave yelled at him for ten minutes before making him log of to crash. That was roughly a week ago, and the moment Sollux made the request, Dave took a sip of his coffee.

"Sorry bro, not a fucking chance."

"Karkat? Fef? One of you guyth, pleathe, thith guy ith fucking batthit."

"Oh, come on Sollux, he really can't be that bad! What happened?" Fef asked, stirring her tea to mix the honey and sugar that had accumulated at the bottom.

"Apparently he's making fun of Sollux's typing and overall just trying to piss him off," Karkat mumbled, taking a bite of his bagel, "I'd laugh but after reading a few of the logs, the guy's kind of a dick."

"Your typing?" Dave questioned, which only made the the lisping boy roll his eyes.

"I kinda thow how I talk normally through it."

"How the actual fuck is replacing your 's's with 2's a way of showing that you sound like your mouth of full of marbles?"

"Thut up."

"Nah but seriously, you'd do great in Nirvana. Smells Like Teen Spirit and unintelligable garble." Karkat let out an angry noise as his bagel was hit up to his nose, getting cream cheese on his face as he glared at Sollux, who merely raised a dark brown eyebrow.

"Well I don't see a problem with that. I used to replace my 'h's with parenthesis when my 'h' was broken. Even after I got a new laptop, it was kinda hard to go back to using the correct key strokes. Maybe at this point it's just habit," Feferi pointed out, finally taking a sip of tea and sighing that it wasn't steeped enough.

"Thee? At leatht thhe knowth how not to be a total fuck," Sollux sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face, his wire framed oval glasses getting knocked slightly askew, "At firtht it wath all fine, but then he tharted mocking me about it."

"What did he do?" Dave asked, now kinda curious as he downed the last bit of scalding coffee in his cup.

"He started doubling all of his 'w's and 'v's, just to be an asshole," Karkat shrugged, finishing off wiping his face on his napkin. "Yet this idiot is too cowardly to say shit about it."

"Why don't you just ask him to stop?" Feferi queried, "Maybe it wasn't supposed to be mean, maybe he was just trying to relate."

"Even bethideth that, he'th a jerk. He'th one of thothe popular kidth that thinkth he can walk all over everyone jutht becauthe he'th got rich parentth and a pretty face."

"He told you that?"

"No, Gallows told me that," Karkat offered up, "Apparently he's this pompous, pretty boy asshole. But I kinda think that Gallows hates him too."

"Well still, sorry dude, but I'm pretty set with my guy, you'll have to get set with your own." Plucking idly at his bacon, Dave let out a yawn. He'd been staying at his Bro's place since he'd gotten hurt and would be for the next few weeks, and the commute from there to the campus was a lot longer than usual. He was having to wake up almost two hours earlier than before, and it was getting old. But, on the bright side, his shades were hiding the dark circles, so he had that going for him.

"And I'm really fond of my person as well. Garden is really wonderful! She's nice, and really funny, but not as happy as I wish she was," Fef gave a small pout, lifting and dropping the tea bag into her drink to speed up the steeping process, "Apparently her cousin is all depressed and stuff and she's having to help him a lot."

"Thhe liveth with her couthin?" Sollux asked, and Fef chuckled.

"No! She told me that they go to the same campus, but she seemed kinda dodgy when I asked for more information."

"Well, maybe, now bear with me on this, the other people in this god awful project actually try not to give away all their fucking information like we do?" Karkat adopted a fake, bewildered expression, "Wow I'm a fucking genius."

"Nah, you're just kind of a dick," Dave yawned out, twisting in his seat to stretch his shoulders.

"Well from what Sollux has shown me and from what I can tell, you guys don't really know the art of anonymity, which is really fucking sad because everyone else in the world does."

"But Karkat, there'th a difference between uth and them," Sollux pointed out, "Aquarium pointed out that they all actually like their teacher."

At this Karkat actually paused before shrugging, taking another bite of bagel, "Well I guess that is kind of a good reason."

"So Karkat, how's your chatting partner?" Fef asked, finally taking a long drink of her tea as she looked at the black haired boy expectantly.

"She's insane, types like an idiot, and is blind."


"And I'm not switching, sorry Sollux."

"Fuck you too KK."


"W-what a joke," Eridan scoffed, sipping at his latte and pushing his glasses off the bridge of his nose, "Terezi, I w-will pay you to sw-witch."

She gave a soft laugh, her grin demeaning as she brushed him off, "Not a chance. I'm having too much fun with mine as it is. His caps lock his broken so my automatic reader has been speaking with the most ridiculous tone, and so I started fucking up all of my typing just to see how he'd react. So far he's logged off out of rage six times."

"John? Please, I'm desperate to get rid of this v-vile low-wlife."

John looked almost guilty as he sipped at his coffee, his eyebrows tipping down on the far ends, "I'm sorry Eridan, but I really do like my partner. Turntech actually seems really nice, I don't want to switch him." The Starbucks they sat in was bustling for a Tuesday, and Jade finally came back with her white mocha, sitting down with a big grin.

"Sorry! The barista and I were talking, she's really nice! So what did I miss?"

"Jade, seeing as both John and Terezi lov-ve seeing me liv-ve in misery, please, assist me."

"Eridan, what are you even talking about?" Jade actually looked bewildered, and Terezi started cackling, taking a small bite of her cakepop.

"Eridan, stop making this poor girl think that she's going to be saving your life," Turning towards Jade's general direction, Terezi rolled her eyes behind her red tinted glasses, "He wants to switch out his chatting partner."

"What?! Why?" Frowning ridiculously, Jade wrapped both of her hands around her drink before taking the smallest of sips, "How could you want to switch?"

"He's ridiculous. He types with tw-wo's instead of s's, sw-wears a surprising amount, and not to mention that he's more focused on computer programming than on his schooling. Ev-ven that I could tolerate, but now-w he's ignoring me and I refuse to put up w-with such impertinence."

"Wait, he's ignoring you?" John raised an eyebrow, his own coffee cold and nearly gone as he set it aside, "Why?"

"I hav-ven't the slightest idea!" Eridan snapped out, putting his drink on the table with more force than necessary, "W-we'd been talking regularly, and then suddenly he gets tight-lipped and angry before logging off. That w-was four days ago."

"Did you maybe do something?" Jade queried, looking understanding and concerned as Terezi chuckled.

"Maybe he was himself?" The blind girl asked, finishing off her cakepop, "That should be enough to deter anyone."

"I didn't do anything differently," Eridan insisted, glaring at Terezi, "I w-was simply the same as normal." There was a small pause before he rolled his eyes, "Alright perhaps I did one thing differently."

"Which was?"

"W-well, he was using his tw-wo's, so. . . I simply began doubling my w-w's and v-v's," If John didn't know any better, he could had sworn Eridan blushed as he looked down at the table, "But I w-wouldn't hav-ve done so if I had thought it w-would elicit this kind of a reaction!"

"Awwww, you showed your own speech impediment!" Terezi cooed, wearing a toothy grin, "How adooooorable. You two really are a match made in heaven."

"W-What?" Eridan asked, looking up with a slightly startled expression.

"Geneticist was asking me why you were such an insufferable prick, and I didn't know how he knew until now. Apparently your little buddy has a lisp, hence the ridiculous typing. You showing yours, well," she raised her eyebrows highly as she took a drink, "He probably thought you were mocking him. Carcino was fairly angry, I'm assuming you upset him."

Silence fell over the group until Eridan scoffed, shaking his head, "That couldn't be it. I'v-ve been perfectly cordial up until this point, he surely w-wouldn't be that petty." Scoffing, he nodded, agreeing with himself, "Surely he w-was just being ridiculous, and I stand by my w-want to sw-witch aw-way from him. I don't need someone like that draining my attention and time."

"If you insist," Terezi sighed dramatically, turning her attention to the other two people at the table, "So, what about you two? Having any fun?"

"Loads! Cuttlefish is fabulous! She's so nice, and apparently her name was chosen at random so now she makes tons of fish puns as a joke," Jade smiled almost fondly as she took another small sip of her drink, "She's also the only girl in her group, so if you guys didn't know genders before, you do now."

"Yeah, Turntech kind of told me on the first day," John shrugged, his grin crooked. "And yeah, I have been having fun. He's ridiculous, and horrible at drawing, but he raps constantly and makes the stupidest puns. That, and he makes really cool music. He's a total dork."

"According to Cuttlefish he's a cute one too," Jade giggled. When John blushed and waved her off, she looked at the other two, "What, you can't tell me you're not curious what my girl thinks of all your guys."

"No such thing!" Eridan bit out, shaking his head, "I'v-ve no interest in know-wing w-what Tw-wins looks like, none at all."

"He's a bruneeette," She sang, and Eridan bit on his bottom lip to keep from asking questions. "Tall, too."

"Tall?" All three of the other kids laughed as Eridan finally looked up. Compared to him at 6'1, most people were short, so hearing that word must have been welcome.

"Uh huh! Apparently he also has glasses. From what I could tell, she thought he was really handsome. Well, not with his glasses, I guess? I guess he's got a Clark Kent thing going, when the glasses are off, all the girls swoooon."

"Mine next, I want to know what information I can use to freak Geneticist out," Terezi asked gleefully.

"Apparently he's really short, she said that he's about 5'5," Jade snorted, "Black hair, brown eyes, swears a lot, but has a really endearing button nose and freckles. She said he would be actually be quite the cutie if he weren't so rude."

"Huh. And how tall am I?" Terezi questioned.

"Probably 5'4?"

"Well he doesn't have to know that," She smirked.

"And yours, John," John blushed again as Jade turned to him, "has white hair."

"W-White? How-w old is this person?" Eridan queried.

"No, he has white-blonde hair, he's not old," She corrected, rolling her eyes. "Also, he apparently is always wearing sunglasses. Always. Indoors, outdoors, at nighttime, no matter what the weather he's always wearing them. That and she said he's hot."

John was simply fiddling with his cup, "I don't need to know this! Him and I are still keeping this anonymity thing going, and you're breaking that!"

"What can I say? A girl's gonna gossip," She grinned almost wickedly but it soon turned sweet as she went back to her drink, "And you can't tell me that you weren't curious."

There was a moment of silence before Eridan cleared his throat, "How-w tall?"

The group laughed again at the boy's expense as he sighed, taking another drink.

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