True Colors, Ironically Speaking (Homestuck)


10. Chapter 10: You're Just All Talk

Three in the morning on a Wednesday and John couldn't be bothered to even stop talking to Turntech.

EB: you know, i'm actually kind of surprised.

TG: surprised?

EB: yeah. out of all of the usernames, yours seemed the most tame, and you kinda seem like the rebel of the group.

TG: if turntech godhead sounds tame to you i don't want to know your definition of wild is

EB: thornberrys.

EB: thornberrys. that is the very definition of wild right there, stranger.

TG: oh my god

TG: that show

EB: was a masterpiece?

TG: my bro wouldnt let me watch it for such a long time

TG: reminded him of some guy

EB: no way, really?

TG: i didnt get to watch it until i turned thirteen god damn

EB: why thirteen?

TG: i really dont think the age had any significance

TG: i just didnt get to watch the damn show until i was in my early teenage years

EB: but come on, you gotta admit, it's pretty great!

TG: it is pretty great ill give you that

EB: so what, did your bro just block you from using the tv or something?

TG: not the tv as a whole

TG: just the one show

TG: he blocked it

EB: wow, must have been pretty serious then.

TG: yeah apparently it was this dude who traveled all the time

TG: he stopped by texas and bro met him but died or some shit after he left

TG: whatever it was he lost contact him and probably just assumes that the old guy is dead

TG: when i got into my early teens i figured out the parental controls

EB: my dad never found the need to use them, he kind of trusted me from the moment he got me.

TG: thats some iron trust

TG: the access to television programs

TG: bro was very careful with us

TG: but we still turned out pretty mutually fucked up

EB: did your bro raise you?

TG: yep

TG: closest thing to a dad i have

TG: taught me the ways of irony as an infant

TG: taught me how to strife

EB: strife? you had fights with your older brother?

TG: well yeah

TG: up on the rooftops

EB: i'm not really good with the whole sibling thing, but that sounds a bit extreme.

EB: what do you mean 'well yeah'?! other people don't do that!

TG: of course its extreme

TG: thats how this family is

EB: wow, you guys are pretty much the exact opposite of me.

EB: my dad and i are pretty laid back.

TG: the complete opposite huh

TG: so you have home cooked meals every night

TG: go to bed early without a single huff of disagreement

EB: yeah, usually. he loves cooking. although there is a lot of cake throwing. and pranks.

TG: pranks you say

TG: youve got yourself a pranksters gambit

TG: damn ive always wanted one of those

EB: well of course! pranking is in my blood!

EB: i think.

EB: i wouldn't really know.

EB: but i like to think that it is.

TG: ive built up my irony to high to get me one of those

TG: in your blood

TG: id have a doctor check that out man

TG: sounds pretty serious

EB: it really is a concern.

EB: so judging by the context, i'm guessing you guys don't really do the whole 'home cooked meal' thing?

TG: hell no

TG: we had takeout nearly every night of the week

TG: and the nights that we didnt were usually special occasions

EB: how are you not dead? that's so unhealthy!

EB: then again that's coming from a guy who's dad bakes cakes literally every single day.

TG: trust me i know

TG: the only reason none of us are morbidly obese is because of our crazy metabolisms

TG: wait your dad bakes cakes every single day?

TG: thats precious

EB: yeaaaaaaaah. no. no it's not. i hate cake so badly because of it. i can't even stand the smell.

TG: aw man I would eat that cake

TG: how could you hate it?

TG: well of course besides the fact that you were probably raised on it

TG: i could see how that would get pretty tiring after a while

EB: i used to really love cake, because when i was really little it was only ever a treat item. but when he got me, he decided that since i loved it, he'd make it constantly.

EB: i was all chub until i was about 8 and decided that all cake was directly from hell.

TG: that is adorable

EB: shut up, it is not.

TG: it totally is

EB: well now every time i'm back from college he keeps trying to force feed me cake, saying that i'm too thin and stuff. which doesn't make sense, because he's thin too. eh.

TG: poor old guy just loves you

TG: you told him you love cake

TG: he fucking remembered

EB: oh my god he's so not old that's the worst part. he's like, 38.

TG: well hes older than you

TG: older than i am

TG: therefore he is an old man for the time being

EB: that doesn't make him old. that just makes him /older/.

TG: give your old man an embrace from me

TG: he gets a gold star

TG: A+ parenting

EB: feeding your child cake for most of their lives is not good for them!

EB: but he really is an amazing dad.

TG: my bro is a badass

TG: so hes got that going for him

EB: you know i just realized something

TG: whats that then?

EB: you haven't used a single metaphor this entire conversation

TG: well then shit thats my cue

EB: wait you can't just leave because of that!

TG: i can and i will

TG: a lack of metaphors is unhealthy as piss

EB: wait isn't pissing healthy though?

EB: i feel like that should be a natural act.

TG: that and its four in the morning here and i have class

TG: talk to you later dork

EB: fiiiiiiiine. talk to you tomorrow!

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 04:32 --

Dave gave a small smile, yawning before dropping his phone to the floor, passing out sprawled across his futon near instantly.

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