In Anticipation of First Meetings (Homestuck)


1. In Anticipation of First Meetings

-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

EB: dave!

EB: are you looking forward to tomorrow as much as i am?

TG: that depends

TG: how much are you looking forward to tomorrow egbert

EB: i'm pretty excited actually! i can't believe i'm gonna get to see you for the first time ever.

EB: i mean, we've known each other for a long time, but i barely even know what you look like!

EB: which is weird.

EB: but getting to know might also be weird, because i'm used to only seeing you in those shitty myspace photos you send me where your face is mostly covered by those dumb shades anyway.

EB: so i guess there are some mixed feelings involved ... but i'm mostly really excited to see you!

TG: the shades are not dumb they are sweet

TG: so sweet you have no idea what youre even messing with dude

TG: but yeah thats pretty much it for me too

TG: i mean

TG: you only ever sent me that one pic your dad took and for all i know that wasnt even of you

TG john egbert could be some forty year old dude with a beer gut no fucking hair and a raging hard-on for tall blond teenage boys from texas for all i know

TG: maybe you found me through my comics or some shit

TG: then established a fake identity to get all close with me

TG: so that i would go through all the trouble of buying a plane ticket only to fly right into your fat unwashed hands

TG: that you used to beat off with the night before to the pictures i sent you when i thought you were a cute guy my age

TG: would be a pretty awkward revelation when you came to pick me up at the airport is all im saying

EB: eww dude! that is definitely not true! and definitely too far.

EB: i do not want these images in my head, make them go away!!!

EB: you can be so gross and also that is a very specific scenario you have there.

EB: ...

EB: dave, have you been thinking about this?


EB: ...?


EB: .................................?

EB: (i'm warning you, the ellipses will keep growing longer until you give me an honest answer!!)

TG: i guess

TG: maybe

TG: sometimes

TG: a bit

EB: and how much is a bit?

TG: actually kinda like a cartload of horseshit to be honest

TG: its just right there all the time and i keep falling ass-first into it whenever im not looking like that guy in back to the future i guess

TG: but then the moment i get to my feet again some jackass comes and pushes me back in

TG: its like a perpetual never-ending iteration of shit bathing all up in this place

EB: wow, dude. sometimes i have no idea why or how i'm attracted to you when really all you talk about is shit and old-man dong.

TG: its the eyes and the texas drawl

TG: dont feel bad john youre not the only one whos fallen for it

TG: i have literally hundreds of swooning chicks and dudes at my feet every second of the day

TG: makes it hard to move around without stepping on someones something

TG: oh sorry there dude didnt mean to step on your dick i just need to get to the bathroom to take a piss and youre kinda in the way lying all over the doorstep like that

TG: my room ran out of space so now theyre spreading into the rest of the apartment and beyond

TG: neighbors are getting pretty pissed

TG: they just dont understand the burdens of being a sex god john

EB: hahahah, you are so full of shit, dude!

EB: i have never seen your eyes or heard your voice, and i will bet you anything you have never even kissed someone before!!

TG: have you

EB: ...

EB: anyway, speaking of back to the future:

EB: i'm gonna show you so many sweet movies. so many, dave.

EB: you have already decided you're not going to appreciate the work of art that is con air, but there are plenty of other great classics i bet you haven't seen yet!

TG: can we not talk about your shitty movies right now i was asking you a question

TG: which was

TG: have you ever kissed anyone

EB: i'm sixteen years old, dave!

EB: and i'm pretty sure most sixteen-year-olds have already gotten their first kisses!

TG: that still doesnt answer my question

EB: ..............

TG: dont you dare start with the goddamn ellipses again i swear i will fly off the fucking handle

EB: with an epic fucking pirouette?

TG: dont try changing the subject

TG: im onto you

EB: bluh!

EB: okay fine, i'm sixteen years old and i haven't ever kissed anyone! i dated a girl named sarah once and we held hands like two times, but that's it.

EB: that's my whole love life right there!

EB: happy?

TG: shit no john

TG: i mean

TG: thats just sad

EB: yeah, like yours is any better!

TG: okay i guess i can say this since youre basically my best bro who is also my boyfriend or something like that

TG: but dont tell anyone

TG: shit like this would ruing my reputation which is as you know really fucking important to me

TG: i havent actually kissed anyone either

TG: or held hands with them

TG: so i guess that makes you the one with the most experience in this relationship oh my god

TG: in school i was kinda the weird albino kid with the creepy older bro

TG: who collected dead things and lived in an apartment stuffed full of puppets with oddly suggestive proboscises and plush rumps

TG: not exactly a recipe for success

TG: tried to bring home some people once for video games or whatever

TG: they never came back

TG: and bro had to take a whole lot of phone calls from angry parents afterwards

TG: it was pretty fucking hilarious

TG: besides

TG: i always had you and rose and jade to talk to so i never bothered with those judgmental assholes

TG: also it goes without saying that i was way too cool for them

TG: might have caused some serious hypothermia if i got to close

TG: it is a hard life i live

TG: permeated by the responsibilities and duties that come with being this cool

EB: pfft.

EB: i was almost starting to feel sorry for you for a moment there, but then you went and ruined it.

EB: anyway...

EB: ...

EB: if i have never kissed anyone...

EB: and if you have never kissed anyone...

EB: then i guess we'll get to be each others first kisses when we finally meet tomorrow!!!

EB: i think that will be pretty sweet!

EB: like something from a movie! i can pretty much already see it.

EB: us meeting each others eyes across the crowded airport after your plane lands, then running into each others arms while the music swells...!

TG: jesus egbert stop youre making me blush

TG: no but seriously dont turn this into con air for gods sake

TG: actually just dont turn anything into that piece of shit ever

TG: this stuff actually means a lot to me

EB: d'aww.

EB: it means a lot to me too, dude!

EB: you know.

EB: maybe this is a bit lame ... but i've kind of been imagining that scene ever since we first got together all those weeks ago!

TG: that is really sweet john

TG: hang on a sec

TG: just need to move bathroom guy outta the way in case i suddenly need to puke

TG: jesus fuck it feels like i just swallowed a wheelbarrow of marshmallows

EB: you just can't admit that you like it because you're emotionally constipated.

EB: i just want you to smile and stop pretending you're not a huge dork for once!

EB: one day i will break down that coolkid mask of yours completely and we will go skipping arm in arm across a meadow or something!

EB: hell, there could even be singing rainbows and ponies.

EB: it will be glorious.

TG: itll be p gay

EB: dave, we are two guys in a relationship. things are already as gay as they are going to get.

TG: yeah about that

TG: ive been meaning to ask

TG: and for gods sake dont take this the wrong way dude

TG: but two things basically

TG: one isnt it weird that were kinda dating or whatever and we barely even know what the other dude looks like just saying

TG: and also

TG: two

TG: um

TG: werent you straight??

EB: umm...

EB: i guess...

EB: it's kind of complicated?

EB: which one do you want me to answer first??

EB: because i'm not really sure of the answer to either of them.

EB: i mean, i've never been attracted to guys before, but i guess i must always have been a little bit bisexual???

EB: maybe once or twice i've noticed a good looking guy like matthew mcconaughey, i guess.

TG: please don't compare what we have to his ugly mug

EB: but then i think i've kind of written it off as something like an admiration of his talent most of the time.

TG: don't see how

TG: since there isnt anything to admire in that department

TG: or any department really

EB: (i'm going to turn the other cheek and ignore these outrageously heretic outburst because i know you're just jealous.)

EB: so anyway because of that i didn't even notice i thought he also looked pretty good, i guess?

EB: i'm pretty confused, actually!

TG: ill say

EB: what about you, by the way? i can't believe i've never asked you that before.

TG: meh you know me

TG: always been an equal opportunities kinda guy

TG: be a shame to deprive half the worlds population of all this am i right

TG: anyway i was brought up by a man who makes a living outta puppet porn and is presumably gay i think so ive learned to be open minded

TG: was never any sort of identity crisis attached to it no matter what lalonde wants to pretend in her sick little psychoanalysis sessions

EB: ugh, you're lucky, dave!

EB: i wish i knew what was going on. aren't you supposed to have this figured out when you're our age?

EB: but, well. i guess you're supposed to have kissed someone by then too, so we're not exactly normal, i guess.

EB: hehe, but i think we already came to that conclusion a long time ago!

EB: anyway, i do know one thing.

EB: and that thing is that i like you, dave.

EB: though i have no idea why sometimes. god, you are so lame and full of yourself i don't even know if it's hilarious or endearing or sad. possibly all three.

EB: and when it comes to not really knowing what your face is like...

EB: well, you're dave.

EB: that's all there really is to say on the matter, i guess.

EB: i think i already like you too much to start not liking you no matter what you turn out to look like.

EB: unless you actually turn out to be a creepy pedophile, in that case i will contact the police immediately.

EB: the thing is, my boyfriend is this guy called dave who collects dead things in jars and makes stupid raps and insults my taste in movies and actors constantly.

EB: i don't think the size of your nose or whatever is gonna be the deal breaker!!

TG: dunno what to say to that

TG: im pretty tempted to make another joke about barfing but

TG: john

TG: i want you to know that i feel the same way about you too

TG: and i mean

TG: i already know that your face is ninety percent dental nightmare and glasses

TG: and im still here

TG: and i want to kiss you a lot even though i think both of those things might definitely get in the way and cause a lot of awkwardness

TG: especially considering we both have less experience put together than the average eleven year old

TG: im just

TG: jesus

TG: the singing rainbows and ponies are actually starting to look pretty fucking heterosexual from over here where im standing

TG: way into gay territory

TG: able to make out just the tiniest sliver of straight on the horizon if i take off my shades

TG: and thats not happening ever

TG: dave its shouting

TG: come back here before its too late

TG: and fuck

TG: the thing is i dont even want to

TG: so

TG: what im sayin here is pretty much

TG: yeah i think i am looking forward to tomorrow as much as you are john

TG: and it might even be sort of visible

TG: like the corner of my mouth is lifting a fraction of a millimeter that can only be seen through a microscope or some shit

TG: i am that excited

EB: that is such bullshit, i know it has to be more like several centimeters at least!

EB: i am grinning so hard right now at what you're writing, you have no idea.

EB: i mean, dad came in just now and said he was proud of me for making such good friends, so even he can see how sweet i think this is!!

EB: but he also says i should go to bed if we're going to pick you up tomorrow morning.

EB: and i guess you should be going to bed since you have to get up extra early!

EB: but!

EB: i will see you tomorrow, dude! wow, it feels awesome to write that for once!!

EB: and hopefully neither of us will turn out to be creepy and old.

EB: good night, dave.

TG: yeah ill see you too

TG: fucking finally

TG: and you know

TG: hugs and kisses and holding hands and flying over the rainbow and all that

TG: good night john

-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

EB: <3

-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TG: <3

TG: oh fuck this is lame

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