The Struggle to Rise


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2. When the Anchors Came In

Before my anchors came in sinking me and drowning my emotions, I was happy. I was full of joy. At points of time I would feel as if it were perfect, but I learned my thoughts weren't always correct.

It was early 2012. I was actually having a good life. I was happy. I didn't have any problems with school nor my social life. I once felt as if my life was perfect. But, I met a girl. Her name was Katelynn. I thought she was a very wonderful girl. I would be really nice to her and give her romantic drawings I drew for her. One day, she asked me out. My answer was yes. I was happy that she asked me out. I couldn't believe it. Anyways, we would always hug each other if we saw each other. I would always hang out with her if I could. She was everything to me. We always would text each other. People thought we were a perfect relationship. I then asked her to prom, But something happened..

People started making rumors that I asked a different girl to prom, even though I never did that. I was faithful to her and I wanted her to know that. I guess she never believed me. One day, she messaged me in a text saying that she was breaking up with me. I tried so hard to convince her I wasn't cheating on her and I didn't ask a different girl to prom. I tried so hard but I couldn't convince her. She left and never talked to me ever again. Only time she did was when she bullied me on Facebook and called me names. She then moved away from my school. Never to be heard from.. Then the anchors were coming in. They attached to me. Then I was thrown in the water.

After that, people started to bully me. Called me names like "faggface" or "faggot" or "cunt". I was physically bullied to. I was beaten up a lot as well. My life began to go down hill fast. I couldn't stop myself from going down the hill either. I began losing my friends. My grades started plummeting and it was hard to focus in school. When I came home from school I would storm to my room and lay in bed and cry.

I couldn't take the pain I had to endure. Self harm began to become a part of me. It was my escape. Sometimes it still is today. I was addicted to it. I always wore jackets everyday at school. No matter what. I also self harmed on my chest. It was very addictive to me.

I also tried to end my life. 14 times since 2012. I couldn't take the anchors pulling me under. I had to get away from that world. Sometimes I think about it still sometimes. I continuously had a date with suicide.

I was very angry as well. I thought of killing everybody who bullied me. I thought since a calculator was easy to bring to school a loaded handgun would be as well. But I don't ever think about actually doing it. That was a while ago.

The anchors quickly pulled me under. I couldn't do anything about it. Nobody would help me. Depression is like cancer but for your mind and feelings and depression quickly invaded me.

Today, those anchors continue to sink me under. I've done everything I can to stop them. Therapy doesn't even help me. So I have learned to live with sinking forever and I know I never will stop sinking..

(by the way there will be at least 8 chapters)

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