After that day, all i can remember is wanting to forget. I laughed inside as I watched further children of the factions predict their own fate. I had made myself a prodigy, forced myself to be the perfect example of an erudite. I filled the hole that gaped open, the hole that wished to be filled by a different curiosity other than knowledge. A curiosity that allowed me to believe in the scientifically impossible, that allowed me to wish away the present and return to the past. But now I knew that was also my fear. Now I knew that once upon a time I had wished that I had overcame it. Now it was too late.
I set goals, reached my aims. Day after day. Year after year. Until that afternoon, and all the afternoons after that. The day that pushed me harder into the erudite faction, so much further into the society that no matter how far I traveled there was no going back. My next fear. The law. The truth.
I stood in front of the counter, anti-bacterial spray beside me. It was logical to use it to prevent health risk. I was quiet that moment, so quiet, supposed to be cleaning. But instead just watching, replaying the memory all over again. Yet I always had, ever since.
After the choosing ceremony I had been allowed to remain living in a private sector in erudite with my parents and siblings for a while. I worked daily in the labs, experimenting. I attended classes on psychology, my tutor revealing that my understanding was infinitely accepted. I was positively happy, though I didn't fully know it. I just wanted to understand more. But that day, I did. More than I needed to. I did not only learn about the divergent. I learned that I knew one. Loved one. My mother.
I was silent. A wisp of cool air brushing my cheek as the pale-blue suited men opened the door. Or understate-ably barged it down. She stood polishing the lens of her glasses, her jaw dropping, her croaked voice mouthing a shocked question about there sudden presence. She was wrestled to the ground, her glasses cracking as the landed by my feet. They no longer needed to be cleaned. I watch once more how they treated her, like an animal. As allowed. As expected.They kept whispering sternly like they were ordering facts. Divergent. That's what they had said. Divergent.
I felt a hand on my shoulder, turning, my eyes glassy. I felt like a child. I see my father for the first time in uncounted years, as calm as the guards. There were no words for me to say then. Were no words that I wanted to think. "You needed to know" he had said. "You needed to know".
It was all clear to me now. Now, my fear was announced. What I didn't know was how I had calmed myself enough through my past fears, when in reality I never truly ever had. I had just blocked them. Divergent, those men had spat. Not erudite, or even dauntless. Not amity, nor abnegation. And certainly not candor, the honest. Not anything, but everything. My mother was divergent.
I had a brother stolen from me. A sister claimed by the truthful. A father that had chosen to leave. And divergence as a family trait. I had it bad. My younger sister had been lied to about my mother, and so she chose candor, expecting the truth all of the time. But the real truth was, they were everywhere. She could not escape our cover-up lies, she would only hear more.
My older brother was too a traitor, was too suspected as being one of them. Was too killed. And I had done nothing to prevent it. No one had. Faction before blood, I was defenseless, but at the same time the most powerful force there was. My father left not long after, he chose the sixth option a little overdue. The consequence of his now guilty conscious. Illogically, he chose the factionless over me.
I had in turn overcome my fear of the unknown, also forming a new horror in its space. I feared my memories because they were what had driven me to the present. The power. The enemy. Soon I would fear the untold. The future.