I had the same recurring nightmare since Nathan had gone. It made me wake up crying and screaming. Mum and dad were scared. I was scared too. I didn't get much sleep because if that. I always had rings hanging around my eyes.
Today was the day, probably the second worst day of my life (first being last Saturday). It was Nathan's funeral. I was in my room. I fitted into a small black dress with silk black tights underneath. I didn't straighten my hair, I knew Nathan liked it natural. I wore a black flower clip that sat above my right eye in my hair. I put some make up on, I wanted to look nice to say goodbye to him, not look like a scruff. I was ready. Mum called me downstairs. Even she was coming which is like huge! She had a dark purple pencil dress on. And dad wore a suit. He wrapped his big floppy arm on my shoulder and kissed my head. He drove us to the church. Mum sat in the back with me.
"I'm sorry," she finally said. She had a napkin in her hands. She was dabbing her eyes as she had tears in them. "I have been an awful mother lately! I just love you more than anything in the world! I never wanted you to get hurt and here we are, driving to your boy friends funeral," I felt like crying but I held it in. I did not want to cry today (even though that's impossible). I smiled at her instead.
"I know mum, I do love you though. You do know that right?" I asked. Mum nodded frantically. I hugged her and she hugged me back. We arrived. There were practically no cars parked outside. Perhaps everybody was inside. But no. There were like 10 people tops sat in the church. Where was everybody? Who was everybody? Maybe this was everybody after all it was Nathan. Here there were just a few people from the neighbourhood, a couple of teachers and me and my family. This was depressing. At the front of the church was a table with Nathan's school picture on top as they had no other picture of him. That was even more depressing. I sat down near the back.
"Sweetie, don't sit at the back! Come closer," mum said, beckoning me over. Dad told her to leave it alone and that I could sit wherever I wanted to. I could see outside because the church doors were swung open. The hearse was coming up the drive. A tear rolled done my cheek! So much for the no crying rule. Before they got the coffin out of the car, music began playing throughout the church. This sounded really familiar. And then it hit me, like a tone of bricks. Only you know by Dion Mucci. Four men carried Nathan's coffin to the front with the music playing.
"I want to see something that used to be in your eyes again, I'm waiting to see it, you know it's only a question of when. And I know, how you've been missing heaven. You know that's it's missing and only you know where you have been to, only you know what you have been through, there's better things you're gonna get into and I wanna be there too" - Only you Know
I wasn't strong. I so badly wanted to leave. This was killing me. But I couldn't leave Nathan in here with all these people he didn't know properly and I needed to say goodbye even if I really didn't want to. It seemed like not that long ago since I was saying hello. I had my hand on my mouth to stop me from yelping during my cries and disturbing peoples prays. Dad looked over at me, he too must of recognised the song as he did had it on record. His eyes were red. He looked like he was about to cry at any moment. I have never seen my dad cry before so this made me feel even weaker.
After the 'ceremony' we all went out to see Nathan's coffin descend into the ground. I think this was harder than when we were sat listening to the minister blab on saying how much he will be remembered which wasn't true, it was obviously a speech he knew off by heart from other funerals which was really annoying. I stayed behind the small crowd of people around Nathan's grave to be. I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to say goodbye. Dad noticed me lurking behind. He walked to me, hands in pockets.
"Again! What's with avoiding?" Dad asked. I shrugged and wiped away a tear. "I know this is hard but I sure Nathan would of wanted you to be brave," I edged closer to the hole with Nathan's grave lying inside it. I gasped in horror, knowing he was there, inside it. I'm sure this really wasn't what Nathan wanted. Dad regretted saying what he said and took me back behind everybody. He hugged me tight, pushing my head into his jacket so I wouldn't have to see anything.
"I'm sorry Zoe," he told me. "I honestly wished you didn't have to go through with this!"
"Me too," I said.