"Mom, I can't come home," I vocalized through the phone to my mother.
"What, Why?" She asked demanding an answer I was unable to give her.
I held the phone tightly to my ear, shutting my eyes tightly but still seeing the light shine quickly across my eye lids as we passed them. The car was silent as they waited for me to reply, but it was so hard to lie. This was my mother- the one who raised me, always stood by my side through everything, the one who never gave up after my father died. I couldn't do it, I couldn't destroy her like this, and I couldn't leave her. But I had to.
"It would just be easier to just forget I exist. I love you mom, goodbye.” I whispered then hung up before she could reply.
I held the top of the phone against my chin pondering on how her reaction would be. Pain filled my chest but I tried to ignore it looking out the window at the dark sky. Out in the land of emptiness, the stars are able to shine bright and beautifully.
"You alright?" Harry asked looking over his shoulder at me as he sat in the front seat of the dark car.
I knew he knew the answer to that so I just looked at him with a blank, angry stair. Pressing his lips together he tried to look at me with pity. Leaning towards me, he grabbed for my hand but I repelled crossing my arms over my chest looking away.
"Emma," Harry pleaded; "don't push me out, talk to me."
"You lied, Harry. You lied to me and on top of that you killed someone!" I started to raise my voice at him, now I could finally say what I have kept in; "I understand Lucy owed him money so he ran after you, but I didn't ask for this okay. I could of ran but I didn’t because I love you Harry!" I paused for a second fully processing what was slipping out of my mouth but nothing stopped me.
"Harry, he sent someone to rape me. I was lying on the ground completely naked as this stranger beat me nearly unconscious. I have lied to my mother and have missed so much school I definitely will not graduate on time. You have been destroying my life Harry, but I’m still here. You say ‘don't push me out' but no one has told me anything since we left that restaurant!" I said then dashed a look at Zayn, I forgot he was here but decided to ignore him anyway. I knew he was listening.
My hands were shaking and my mind went blank. Harry never looked away from me, only kept his deep green eyes on mine. I watched his lips as they trembled for words. Soon he sighed and I knew he didn't know what to say, he had no words for what just poured out of my mouth. Although it wasn't a lot, it was still something and he had nothing. Not even an 'I'm sorry Emma' to at least show he cares about how I feel. After a few moments of silence I scoffed breaking our eye contact staring back out the car window. I tried to focus on road signs figuring out where we were so I could look busy with my eyes.
The radio then blasted making me jump in shock. I looked up at the front watching Harrys hand on the volume pressing it up higher until it maxed out. The speakers blasted feel like I was in a massage chair with the vibrations so intense on my back. Trying to show no interest I looked back out the window and focused on the music. It was my favorite radio station, and coincidentally my favorite song- Fancy by Iggy Azalea. I forced myself not to sing along, but I knew Harry knew I wanted to sing to it. Trying to not give him benefit I shut my eyes trying to look uninterested.
There was then movement, but I couldn't tell if it was the road or something inside the car. The music blasted so loud I couldn't hear anything else. The seat next to me lowered a bit so I took a fast look over then gasped. Harry was inches from my face sitting now in the back seat next to me. Shocked I froze right there; through everything we have gone through he still makes me nervous. Harry placed his hand on my upper thigh and leaned in closer. I watched his lips come near me, his hot, sweet breath on my lips. He leaned closer and I prepared myself for a kiss he didn't give. Leaning down farther his hair brushed against my ear as he kissed my neck, his lips unexpectedly cold on my skin. Coming back up from my neck he whispered loud enough in my ear that I could hear; "I love you, Emma Cook."
Butterflies filled my stomach, and a chill brushed over my entire body. Leaning up he looked into my eyes with promise. Lightly holding my chin he minimized the space between up pressing his lips to mine then sitting back in the seat. I watched as he put on his seat belt then I leaned into his side placing my head on his shoulder. That’s all I needed to hear from him to forgive, because I knew he how he felt. I knew that if he had his way we wouldn’t have to run away like this together. He adjusted his body so his arm was comfortably around me and we sat listening to music.
+ + +
Summer vacation; hot weather and pure freedom. The last time I went to school was also the last time I went to the twelve step program. I haven't heard from my mom in over three months now but I’ve gotten used to the silence. With Zayn and Harry still paranoid we live in a small two bedroom motel somewhere in Portland Oregon keeping a low profile. The unknown killing of Louis is still on the news, not as much as it used to be but it still shows. Sometimes I like to watch it just to see his face and remind myself that that he was a horrible person. Every now and then I forget and feel guilty; I don't tend to keep bad memories locked inside.
"Can you two love birds quiet down, this place isn't soundproof." Zayn mentioned as we walked through our bedroom door to the small green living room. Zayn was sitting at the table sipping a cup of tea eating a bowl of cereal watching TV. I was wearing Harry's black shirt which was big enough to cover my underwear so I didn't care to wear it in front of Zayn, and Harry wearing white boxers and looked hot with sex hair can I also mention.
"Sorry mate, it’s just hard when Emma is just so irritable." Harry said with a smirk then grabbed my boob pulling me in kissing the top of my head from behind. I giggled turning around and playfully punching him in the arm.
Walking into the kitchen I pulled out some eggs and bacon and began to cook breakfast for everyone. As the grease filled the pan of bacon it would pop making the hot grease hit my arms. Pulling back hard and very over dramatically yelping in response, I waited for Harry to come over and help me. Soon enough he did.
“Babe is everything okay?” He asked wrapping his arms around me from behind pulling me from the stove.
“Yeah, I just keep getting popped by the grease.”
“Take over the eggs, I got this.”
“Aw thank you baby, you’re so sweet.” I said kissing turning and kissing his cheek. He gave me a cheeky smile and took over the bacon as I started on the eggs.
+ + +
"You ready?" Harry asked grabbing the bags filled with extra cloths, snacks, and towels.
"Where are you two going?" Zayn asked with curiosity and a slight smirk.
"We are taking a day trip out to our beach." I asked excited.
"Your beach eh? Where's that?" Zayn seemed very interested in our incoming journey.
"Just at the tip of Washington I think. Looking at the map it's just a few hours away." I explained watching Harry leave through the door putting the bags in the car.
"Nice. So you two will be gone the hole day?"
"Just about yeah. You got the place all to yourself."
"Good, going to go out do some shopping, catch a movie, get a bite."
"Well go crazy because you only have one day of freedom."
"Alright I'm trying my best." Zayn said with a smirk.
Ever since we moved out here we have never gone a day without seeing each other. So this day was different.
"Babe the car is packed and ready." Harry announced from outside.
In response I looked at Zayn and waved goodbye. Shaking his head he walked over giving me a hug kissing the side if my head. I loved Zayns hugs- they were sweet and warm.
"Bye babe," Zayn whispered.
"Bye Zayn. See you later." I said and headed out the door turning back smiling at him before I shut it.
+ + +
"Look babe! It's our lucky day!" Harry said with excitement.
There was no one at our beach. Back at the motel I promised him that if no one was thee he could watch me change. With the day so beautiful and blue I assumed it would be packed.
"Oh no," I sighed under my breath loud enough for him to hear.
Grinning hard he rubbed his hands together lipping his lips.
"I am not doing it in the parking lot!"
"Babe you promised so," he reached in the back grabbing my swimsuit; "it's your time to shine."
"Harry, I hate you so much."
"Emma, I love you too." He said with a smirk leaning over and gave me a light kiss.
Getting out the car I looked at him through the window. He mouthed just like we practiced. Grabbing my phone I put some slow music in to dance to. Placing the phone and my pink bikini in the roof I walked to the front of the car right I front of him. First I started with my shirt slowly taking it off. Then rolling my hips to the music I started to unbutton my skinny jeans.
To avoid feeling awkward I kept my eyes on the door handle. Just before I pulled them down I flashed a look at him anyway. His eyes hard on my body biting his bottom lip. I felt kind of relieved he was enjoying the show and it made me a bit more confident.
Turning around putting my back to him I leaned down with my knees locked taking my pants off. Then I realized I now have to take off my bra and underwear. Great. Standing up still facing away from him I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
"I can do this." I whispered to myself, and then turned around painting on a sexy smirk.
Realizing I need help actually putting on my bikini I slowly walked over to him looking deep into his eyes. I opened the door, reached over unbuckling his seatbelt, and grabbing his hand pulling him out. As he stood up I grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him over to where I was standing.
I handed him the swimsuit and he stood there like a rack on a wall. I bent my arms reaching to the top of my back to unhook my bra. Successfully I did and the straps fell but I held my arms up so it didn't fully fall from my chest. Harry patiently waited but bit his lip to contain himself. Then moving my arms it fell and I was exposed to him. A giant grin filled his face showing his dimples. Trying to stay serious I bit the insides of my cheeks, His smile was contagious.
Lastly, my underwear. Tuning around I pressed my ass against his area, arching my back so my shoulders were on his chest, and put my fingers through his soft, curly hair. Moving my body against him he gripped my hips pressing me harder to him. I smiled at the fact he was enjoying this. Untangling my fingers I bent over so my head was parallel to my knees. I could feel his warmth through his sweats and I began taking my panties off before fully reacting. Grabbing them off the ground from my ankles I turning around holding them up near his face, then dropping them to the ground.
His dimples were deep when he smiled and his chest moved when he chuckled through his throat. Grabbing the top half of my pink bikini I properly put it on then turned around so he could tie it. His fingers were warm on my skin.
Just as I grabbed for the bottoms he pulled away shaking his head. He then leaned down opening it up so I can put my legs through and slowly pulled then up my legs. I'm so glad I waxed earlier this month or I would have been embarrassed he was doing that.
"Thank you love." He said standing back up gripping my bare hips and giving a soft, sweet kiss.
I smiled in response and went back over to the car so we could gather up everything.
Finally we made it down to the empty beach. Everything was bright and beautiful. The waves crashed against the shore with grace, and I realized how much I truly missed this place. The tide was in and the waves were bigger than I’ve ever seen, (which was a beautiful site). The sand was soft and white but I could see the rocks fighting the waves, something I didn't see before or just didn't pay attention to.
We set up our little picnic laying area up near the pale drift wood that bordered the ocean top. There was a little house someone made out of the wood and we grabbed a small blanket to lie inside of it. No words were said between us, just sweet warm kisses.
Soon we finally migrated to the water only getting our feet wet. Harry swooped me into his arms carrying me bridal style a few times. Losing his balance most times we fell into the water and I became soaked, him not so much.
“Let’s go in more babe! See who can get the wettest.” Harry said with his cute cheeky smile because he already knew I couldn’t get anything but dry at this point. I agreed and he took my hand as we walked into the water deeper and deeper near the rock I was examining earlier today.
As the waves hit us stronger as we walked out farther it was getting more difficult to stand. Soon we got deep enough out where we crashed into the waves swimming into them then standing up waiting for the next one. A few times Harry would have to hold me so I wouldn’t fall and get taken in by them.
“Babe I think we should back off a little bit.” I said a little troubled by the powerful waves we were facing. They were now inches taller than me reaching Harrys neck.
“Aw Emma isn’t weak is she,” Harry said just before a wave crashed into us, but this time Harry fell down.
I tried grabbing for him, and pull him up but another wave crashed into us pulling us both down and out. I never let go of his hand in this uncontrollable moment of water filled breaths and the struggle to catch the ground. Every few moments we were able to gasp for air, but struggled to get back to shore. Terrified I looked at Harry watching his face make a plan I didn’t know. Slowly we migrated to the giant rock that stood strong against the strong waves. It was brown and bland with a smooth texture. We held onto it catching our breath and regaining our strength we fully gave to the powerful ocean. Now I couldn’t feel the floor and my feel slipped from the rock but I could still keep my grip.
“You alright Emma?” Harry asked calmly and I nodded in response.
“Good,” Harry looking around us, then back to me continued; “Emma I love you so much you know that right.” Harry grabbing my hand came closer to me. His words concerned me.
“Yes,” As scared as I was in this moment he made me terrified.
“I love you so much, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me I want you to know that.” He pulled me in pressing our lips together with pure pain and passion.
His hands gripped my hips quickly pushing me out towards the shore. I kept swimming pushing hard against the pulls from the waves. Finally I made it to shore lying on my back on the damp warm sand gasping for air. Blinded by the sun I laid there waiting for Harry to lie next to me. After a few minutes I got up and looked around for him, seeing nothing was white waves and blue waters.
“Harry? Harry!” I shouted for him immediately standing up, but I saw him nowhere. I ran to the water looking more closely and I saw no one. I ran to where our stuff was searching for a phone. Soon I found his and called the police to get help. It was hard to explain where we were and what happened to them but I soon got it out. It took them ten minutes to get to us and a search party went out to look for him. I sat with my head between my knees screaming his name hoping he could hear me and come back. Eventually there was a helicopter that came and searched the waters, and they moved me out to the parking lot trying to calm me down.
“We are not going to stop until we find him okay.” A young man pointed out trying to comfort me but I just looked at him with a nasty look.
An hour passed and no sign of Harry anywhere. The sun was starting to set and the hot weather quickly became cold. I didn’t notice I was shivering but the young man gave me a blanket as I now sat in the back of the ambulance car on the bed. I assume they sent him over to watch me so I wouldn’t do something crazy. I never looked him in the eye, but I could tell he was young by chest, muscular but small. He has soft looking tan hands. His shirt was blue and his outerwear was wrapped around his waist like a belt. His voice was soft and comforting to listen to, but I was still shaken up by Harry that I couldn’t put my full attention on him.
As he walked over to me his handheld two-way radio went out. I listened in as carefully as I could but all I would hear was the word ‘blood’. Shooting up I walked down out of the car and towards him.
“Did they find him yet?” I asked determined for an answer I honestly did not want, but needed it desperately.
Usually he says no and nothing more, but this time it was different. He sighed; “Yeah, they found him.”
“Emma why don’t you go him to your family.”
“No we aren’t going to do this crap what happened!?”
“Okay, uh, he didn’t make it.”
“Like he's dead?”
“Oh my gosh.”
An invisible push hit my stomach making the air slip from my lungs. I felt like someone stabbed a wooden dagger into my heart but I was still alive, feeling the pain it gave off. Harry was dead. I should have already guessed this from the hours of searching for him, but I didn’t know it was going to be true. Unable to stand I fell to the floor pressing my cheek to the concrete cold ground. I was silent.
“Emma?” The young man asked but I didn’t respond.
Soon I was able to stand and eventually snuck away from the scene leaving everything behind. Driving, I tried getting back before the sun fully set. I didn’t want Zayn to see me like this. Successfully I did and stood in the living room staring at the carpet with the lights out. Looking around remembering everything that happened here, all the memories. An overwhelming feeling of pain and anger filled my chest. I silently grabbed for a dirty plate of leftover eggs from the counter in the kitchen throwing it against a wall on the other side of the living room near the TV. I hit a picture of a boat and I watched it fall the ground on top of the now broken glass. Looking up, I saw a little outlined box with a small flat handle. Turning on the living room light I walked over ignoring the glass pressing into my feet opening the small door. On the other side of it is heroin, cocaine, tobacco, and a full bottle of gin.
Examining everything in this small door I started to laugh. Soon I was laughing so hard I fell to the glass shattered ground in tears. Everything we went through, and Harry was still doing drugs. Intrigued I stood back up grabbing everything in the little box bringing it over to the empty counter top. Spreading everything out I examined all of these drugs. I’m going to try all of them for Harry tonight. Preparing the heroin I heated it up with a spoon and lighter, then soon stuck the needle in my arm vein feeling it shoot through my body. I felt released and the thoughts of Harry left my mind.
Next I grabbed the bag of cocaine dumping it out onto the counter into a giant pile. Walking into the kitchen I grabbed a pink straw and walked back over preparing myself for this new drug. Practicing my sniff, I then stuck the end of the straw into the pile and sniffed it up through my nose. Back and forth I went from each drug feeling life a feather of feeling. Almost running out I went to the bathroom cabinet grabbing every pill bottle I could find. Walking back I gulped down each one with the gin. My stomach grew painful so I shot up more heroin to ease the pain. Whenever I felt like I was going to throw up I would chew on the last pieces of tobacco.
Somehow I ended up on the floor playing with the broken pieced of glass feeling my blood drip down my arm as I pressed them onto my wrist. Soon it became hard to breath but I couldn’t feel anything. I started to cry, but had no idea why I was. Like my body had a mind of its own and I was just here. My heart pounded hard- I could feel it through my ears.
I was going to die.
And this was it for me; all my life has come to this moment. I loved him and we