*explaining the entire process of how the program stuff is not 100% acurate on how the system works. i am just going off of imagination and so forgive me if 12 step programs are nothing like how i make them seem <3 but i hope you like it *
For the past two days I have been researching different programs or clubs I could join that would be simple enough so my mom wouldn't check that much into it, and easy enough to make a story about how my day was, and what we did that day. But the only thing decent I could find was a video game club where all they do is dress up as different action figure people and fight with fake swords. My mom was never into fighting, its forbidden to even bring up The Hunger Games in the house, so i don't have to worry about her poking her nose into my "new club".
i feel like I'm betraying my mother. as if everything she has done for me, all the pain and tears and lectures she has given me have slipped down the drain. it hurts me so much to lie like this but i need to change, before it gets any worse. before this secret eats me from the inside out, making me lose everyone and everything i love. i know its stupid, a little addiction can destroy everything you hold closest to your heart. its funny how it works, it may seem like they would be the ones walking away from me. but i would be the one walking away from them, but not only them..just mostly...myself.
"alright you all ready to go sweetheart its already six o'clock the first meeting starts in 30 minutes you need to leave right now if you want to get there on time! " shouted mom from downstairs already holding my coat and keys basically kicking me out. i mean, i have to admit it has been a very long time since i actually did something for myself, something i truly enjoy. but its so ironic how its all just a lie, but would i call myself selfish?
"okay okay I'm coming, sorry i just had to grab my headphones, okay I'm on my way out now" i announced running down the stairs.
"alright have a good time Hun, i love you."
"love you to mom bye" i said giving her a hug and running out the door, i needed to get out before i over thought my decisions on this switch of plans.
grabbing my phone from my back pocket i headed for the car and looked up the address of the building so i could save it into the GPS. Normally i would be headed to the school which i have no problem finding, but because i have never been to this building i don't want to waste any time searching.
"turn left" the GPS spits out before i have even backed out of my parking spot.
"oh shut up" i mumbled turning out and onto the road. i started changing the radio stations until i found a familiar tune and turned it up hoping to clear my mind on what will soon happen...
"Your destination will be on the right" announced the GPS causing me to look around hoping to see a familiar looking building. when i spotted it i drove over and took the nearest parking spot. but i felt a little weird, this place didn't seem so creepy in the pictures. it was like they took that photo four to five years ago, i can see a lot of changes have been made. so i kind of just sat there and calmly looked around.
"crap" i mumbled under my breath. i am actually doing this, i am actually here. my heart started to race and i could feel little needle like pains on my forehead hinting i was beginning to sweat. why do i feel like i am standing in front of a huge arena of screaming people. its been a while since i have had that stage fright kind of feeling and i don't enjoy the reuniting of it.
"i can do this, i can do this. YOU can do this YOU can do this!" i whispered to myself wiping the sweat from my palms onto my pants. i closed my eyes and took a deep breath then headed for the building. The closer i got to the front entrance, the faster my heart began to pound on my chest.
walking up and opening the door i immediately began to mess with my ears, making it seem like they itched. when i get nervous, my ears turn blood read, and so ever since i was in middle school i would fidget with them when i could feel them heating so people would assume it was just because i was "itching" them, its a little habit i do.
"hello good afternoon ma'am how are you this lovely evening" a middle aged brunette imminently greeted me before i could barley make it through the door, but she seemed nice.
"I'm good thank you." i shyly replied smiling but looking down at the tan carpet, still walking towards her.
"are you here for the six thirty session?" she kindly asked
"yes" i said while breathing out and looking all around the simple building except for her eyes.
"alright well you can sign in here, just so we know who all showed up. Then you can go down that hallway to the back and you will see them, alright. have a good time." she explained welcoming and i just nodded my head and headed that direction.