I know this is stupid. But I just eavesdropping. Maybe not, but they talk so loud! So, it's about my eye problem. And here we go again, it's about that *ull**it. They say that I won't have my glasses because I'll go to my boarding school and I won't play any devices there. Hah! I was like, 'Oh, so it's like magic? It's like abracadabra I didn't play my phone for a day then my sight go clear again? Goddammit it's frustrating!'
Seriously. I don't want to suffer. I know it's MY fault, but hey! The one who get the glasses is me, not you! So what? It's all ME, even if to I don't want to buy me a pair of glasses, I could buy it myself. With my own money. If that's what you want, I can do it. I just want my clear sight back. HELL I ALMOST CRY AGAIN WHEN THE THOUGHT CAME TO ME. It's like flashback.
I'm ten. S is sitting beside me, we're at the back. The words made from chalk on the board isn't clear for me, and I brought S's note. Then she say, "You can't see them? Hey, my eye suffer myopia and I still could see them! You should check your eyes."
I'm eleven. I brought my work to my teacher, Mrs. L. She looked down at my paper then sighed. "This number is five, not two! You couldn't see them clearly?" I just kept my mouth shut. "Well, you should check your eyes! The sooner, the better."
It's happening to me everyday. Every white car flashing on my eyes catch my attention, and I can't even see the police number! That's why I hate this myopia so damn much and that's why I want the glasses. Hell, if my parents allow me, I want to buy a pair of lenses!
I remember U's word too. "You should check your eyes!"
That words keep haunting me. And I did. I don't want anyone at my boarding school say that again to me. I don't want to have to say, "I do. But my parents didn't buy me glasses." with sad smile. I don't want any of them goes away. There goes my hope, there goes my glasses... but I would still fight for it.
Why? Why you keep me far away from glasses? Because I'm clumsy? Buy me glasses that has that kind of necklace thingy that I don't know what's the name. Because you can't buy it? Hell, I could buy it myself. Because you don't want to see me like that? BUY ME LENSES. Because I have 'potential'? Say that to an eye doctor and make him or her verify it, then I would believe. Because you're afraid that my myopia worsen? It's worsening right now. Because you think I have to fight for my sight?! You're crazy.
I hate this. They keep me away from my clear sight. The keep me away from those glasses, those lenses. Hell, this is so heavy. I can't stand another day squinting my eyes to see the police number or words. I can't stand another day hearing the word "You have to check your eyes!". I can't stand another day hearing those *ulls about my 'potential'. I can't stand another day being lied. I can't stand another day being this girl. I can't stand another day struggling to see something far. I can't stand it anymore. No I can't.
To my parents,
Both of you must be proud of me. I do what you has advised. I took out my anger. By talking with myself and crushing the poor stuffed animal. By writing all of this on movella. And you must be proud of me because I could stand hearing you said all that things about my 'potential'. I want to believe, but I believed you all the time and your wrong. Maybe it could worsen without glasses, like my teacher said. Maybe it could be better, like you two said. But I don't want to suffer again. Do you think it's a punishment? For all my lazy ness and gaming habits and bad reading habits? It's silly. Just give me a pair of glasses to take care of and it'll be the punishment for me. I'll take it with proud.
And you know this or not, I'll talk to my friend who had glasses too. I want to see her perspective about glasses and if there is that kind of 'potential'. I want to see if you're telling the truth or the lie. I want to see if I was right or wrong. I want to see if I really have 'potential' or no. I want to hear another people's word. By the way, it's my eye. And it's my glasses. HECK I'm feeling like I'm done with this.
You know what, my beloved parents? There is this one point of my life that I'm feeling like no one really care about me. One point where I just feel loneliness and abandonment. One point where I'm feeling like going to heaven. But I'm strong. I fight it. I remind myself that this point would end. And it does. But if it get to me again, I don't know what would I do. I can't stand all of this anymore.
By the way, I appreciate that you see that I'm upset, Mom. You remember (thanks God) that I really want it, or maybe it's written all over my face? Maybe yes, maybe no. But there is one thing that I really want. My glasses. Oh, don't forget my piano. It would be such a shame if my grade is low because I can't see what's in the board, right?
Mom, Dad, I want to be a strong girl. I want to be the girl that could take care of herself. I know I'm lazy and messy, but give the glasses a chance, please? You see my violin? I take care of it and I still could play it today. I would take care my glasses as if it's my old violin. I would clean it up, and I would clean it up the right way. I'm searching on how to clean up a glasses right now, even when you say I can't have my glasses.
Maybe it's just a mere misunderstanding. But why can't I get my glasses? Is it that bad to get a pair if glasses? Is it that bad to have higher grade? Is it that bad to not hear 'check your eyes'? Is it that bad to see like everyone does? It wasn't like I'm going to have an eye surgery, no. It wasn't like I'm going to suffer more. I would be happy. Many people is ashamed to have glasses, and I understand. But you're way more lucky. You have the glasses so you could see better, but me? Ha, I get my check up after I almost cry.
Maybe I'm talking too much, but you know what? There is two thing that I'm so afraid to lose. First is my eyesight. That's why I demand you to buy me glasses. And second is my hearing. That's why I'm afraid to swim. I'm afraid that if the water gets inside my ears, they'll stuck there and damage my ear... I know it's childish, but I still believe them.
If you read it until now, maybe you're thinking that I'll go get some razor. Haha, no I won't. I have a life ahead. A future, that could be saved by a pair of glasses. I know you say I have some 'potential', but what if it's too late for the 'potential' to be real potential? I know it's confusing. And boring.
Sigh. I think that's it, I have enough.