Inside a Notebook ≫ Harry Styles a.u.

a story in which a damaged and anxiety stricken boy and a poetry and risk obsessed girl take on adventures together in the least likely way possible. will they survive their adrenaline filled, edgar allan poe influenced, intoxicatingly romantic adventure filled with love, challenges, heartbreaking memories and hope for each other?

(based on lily and dash's book of adventures)


4. Right ≫ Numb

The Right Side

I opened the refrigerator and grabbed a carton of milk. Someone rang at the front. Cons of Living in A Big House, a book by me, Harry Styles. One, you're kitchen is two hundred miles away from the front door.

I sighed to myself. I was exhausted, despite the fact that all I did today was attend a three hour therapy session that had a thirty minute extension, (Extra payment, no doubt. Dr. Jensen loved talking to me. All I would do is nod or shake my head or shrug for a hundred pounds an hour and I was literally Jensen's main source of income.) got a latté from the Havoc and talked to the weird looking barista. Why was I exhausted?

One word, medication. Some medications gave people more energy, especially the depressed. I, on the other hand, was given rather a sedative because of all the natural adrenaline coursing through my veins that made me do and think things I should not.

That's what you get when you're an ADHD patient with an anxiety disorder and a touch of depression.

Milk carton in my hand and feet dragging on the floor, I welcomed my mum into this extravagant mansion I sorta hated. Or really hated. Oh well, maybe I was bipolar too, I am pretty messed up. Hello, Anxiety.

"Hey, mum." I greeted her as she planted a kiss on my cheek. "You look exhausted as ever." She noticed and stroked my cheek with her thin hands. "Alas! Iorzepam!" I said with my arms wide open, announcing the magical sorcery of the world famous medical exhauster, Iorzepam! "Guess they're working then." She said with a sad smile. I forced a smile back.

She entered the house and went straight to the kitchen. She snatched an apple from the porcelain counter and sat across me on the bar stool. "How was your session with Dr. Jensen?" she asked, taking a bite from her apple. "As per usual, three and a half hours of expensive and unadulterated lectures about the human brain, what is happening to mine specifically and how I should heal my incapable brain." I answered with a shrug.

"Oh come on, Harry, it's not that bad, is it?" She tried to reassure me, her eyebrows furrowed. I knew she was getting hurt. I had just basically told her that I've been wasting her money all these years. It hurt me seeing her like that. Again. I chose to lie.

"I'm just kidding, mum." I said as if I really were joking. "The guy's really helping and so are the meds. I really appreciate you doing this for me, mum. It really helps." I force another smile. God, it hurt me lying to her but I had no choice.

Anyways, it wasn't a complete lie. I wasn't getting better, meds and old men with offices in a psych ward wouldn't fix my messed up brain but it wasn't hurting me too bad. I've been in a state of numbness for the past few months and I was okay with it. It didn't hurt and that was good, especially since I didn't take pain too well.

"I'm glad." She told me as she came over to my side and hugged me. "I have a flight tomorrow." She informed me and I frowned. I pulled away. "Again?" I whined. "Sorry, sweetie but I have to go." She apologized. Two, with a big home, comes workaholic parents that rarely had vacation time.

"Where to?" I asked. "Sweden. I'm closing a big deal for the company. It's only for two weeks, Harry and you're 19 years old. I'm sure you can fend for yourself. Plus, the cleaner, Jane, she's going to be back the day after tomorrow so then you don't really have to clean up for yourself, even if you really need to but oh well," She put her arms out in front of her. "Iorzepam!" She mocked and I coldn't stop the chuckle that escaped my throat. 

I loved my mum. She was an amazing woman. She's been with me since I was born and she could've left me on the streets but she didn't. Because she loved me, and I loved her too. 

She pulled me into another hug. "I love you so much, Harry." She whispered in my ear. "I love you too." I whispered back and I knew I wasn't lying. 

"Well, I've got to catch up with my school work. It's a Tuesday after all." I told her, breaking our hug. "Alright. I'll be in my study." She replied. She kissed my forehead and sent me off to my room. 

When I got to my room, I embraced the calming aura I've become accustomed to here. It was my safe haven. My room wasn't neat as a pin, trust me. It was messed up like a regular 19 year old's room would be but it was different in the way an axiety disorder patient's would be.

My stuff were all over the place but my most important possessions were laid out neatly on my desk. My iPhone was on the very left side of the desk. Next to it was my copy of Peter Pan given to me by my grandfather. Inserted in the cover were the letters my grandfather send me as a reply to the numerous letters I've sent him when I was feeling quite bad.

Beside that was my laptop where I kept all the works I'd want to publish one day but probably won't. Afterwhich was my leather bound journal that was over flowing with entries and pictures and memories that no one in the world can ever see.

Finally, the newest addition to my collection, the also leather bound copy of Fairy-land by Edgar Allan Poe. 

My thoughts found their way back to the notebook. Did I do the right thing? Jesus, what if it were some elaborate plan for me to give away my phone number? What if the wrong people read what I wrote? What if the person knew exactly who I was? What if they didn't? What if they thought I was some lonely creep? What if they didn't understand me?

Then you'd just be another nobody no one really cares about. May I introduce to you the part of me that came with anxiety also known as the world's most persuasive yet most presumptious bastard on earth that knew exactly how to manipulate those with a weak mind, namely me.

I have my mum. I thought to myself. She loves me. 

Because she has no choice, idiot. What mother in the right mind would volentarily unlove their son? Its common sense. Another part of me argued. Stop thinking you're worth loving. You have exactly zero friends, you have no one to justify for the part of you worth loving.

These were the times when I know the medication was wearing off. The ugly thoughts would come back and so would the enrgy and anger. I felt the adrenaline starting to course through my veins. The medication was wearing off fast.

My heart beat quickened and my temples started to throb. This is what happens when your on a high dose of sedatives that leave your system all at once, the adrenaline and anxiety'comes back all at once too. And it scared me. It scared me a lot.

I stumbled into my bathroom and quickly reached for my anti-anxiety pills. I took one and quickly swallowed. 

Almost immediately, my heart beat slowed and the throbbing went away. You're okay. You're okay. Don't let it get to you. You're okay... I silently chanted to myself. It was my calming mantra, if that made sense. Its like how someone would think about happy thoughts to themselves to make them positive. That didn't work for me. My brain was too complex to fall for all the fake pleasures in my head so instead, I went for numbness.

I sat down and started swimming my way throught my homework. I started at six PM and by the time I was almost done with everything, I was caught at a calculus equations that had too many problems even Dr. Jensen couldn't fix them. I groaned. Unfortunately, the groan came out more as a shout into the void.

At around half past eleven, I finally finished the goddamned problem. I kept all of my things for school and cleared my desk. I went over to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I changed into sweatpants and a white v-neck.

My copy of Fairy-land found its way in my palms and I gladly accepted it.

It was a beautiful poem. It was about the night sky if you read carefully. It had an angsty start yet a happy ending. Edgar Allan Poe was truly a genius. 

Just as I was about to finish the book, my phone buzzed on my desk. I retrieved it from my desk. It was a message from a new number.

Your answer to the question was right on point. It was a beautiful answer and I couldn't agree more. The screen projected. It was the girl from the notebook. There was more.

In case you haven't figured out, that was just phase one of our adventure. The message continued. There are more things to do and yet so little time. So we need to do this together. I promise I won't do anything that you wouldn't want to do. And you can leave this adventure anytime you want.

Ready for more? If you are, continue reading this message.

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