1. What could've been and What could've not
Hold me with words and number and brain cells. Hold me with all you have got and got not. Hold me till I scream air and never want to be held ever again. hold me so that I know what I could have been missing because otherwise I would've never know. Hold me now while you can because I know you wouldn't be able to keep me and soon enough I will be gone due to the lack of closeness because this will be the last time you ever hold me. Go and hold someone else then and than and just then you might also know what you could've been missing. Maybe not me but maybe it will be me.
Hold me now and not later because you are not that type and I am not any other type, I am just a loner wolf wandering the land of lust and what could be and what could not and you... you are just that sparkling oasis I have to pass by. I would love to not to leave you and go on but oasises are not portable and they cant really move on, can they?
Or don't! Don't hold me at all. just let the time go by us and waste all this sprinkled feelings away. like ashes among the wind waves. after all it is still the land of what could not be... to me. And when I stepped here I swore and swore that this is just a phase for you and the hope to be held will slip through my fingers like water.
You won't and I won't wait for settling, settling is not for wild souls and temporary humanne existence. it is not for me anyway. sp please don't try to make up your mind about this moment because even if it had to take you a second to decide whether to hold me or not, I would just leave. turn my back around and leave the spot of what could have been all I ever wanted to be but I am not going stay for just a dilemma and I am not going to stay for you to have a taste of what could now be. I mean I don't really appreciate doubts that comes at me and makes me doubt myself while it was just your thoughts and not mine because I was so sure when I stepped here that there was not a thing i didn't love about this except for your doubts. I felt them, I felt them all over me, like a rising heat taking over my body and head. I couldn't see it in your eyes but I could see it in your aura, I couldn't hear it in your voice but i could here it in your words and I couldn't feel it in your touch but the lack of it.
I can understand that you might be hurt from what have and what have not been but don't you forget that people are not door mats you can't take away the dirt in your shoes with them. and if you can't make your mind about what you really need to let the pain go away then don't choose anything at all. Because whatever you choose will be something you didn't really want and you know what happens with undesired property, it gets thrown away. Don't go claiming things, you know you cannot handle from the start. Just let the hurt sink in and feel it. Don't burden yourself with it because when you do, you burden me too.
Now and yesterday; an endless battle , going on the heart ache. all by myself i try to be strong but everyone seems to be breaking in and distracting me from winning this fight that i have always been trying to catch triumph of. now I don't only have to fight the past , I also have to fight the presence and the people in it and what they have become. people do not understand that their existence is a barrier. and if i tell them that , they will think i am rude but sometimes i am actually rude because at the end i don't give a fuck about them since they obviously don't give a fuck either. they trying to save me , they think that they are saving me but they never think about saving themselves instead. if everyone cared about their personality a bit more and tried to fill and fix the ugly holes , this world would have been a much better place but no they have to go and swim in dirt. they have to be selfish. they have to be fake because they are so damn lazy to use their brains.
Now i don't mind a zombie apocalypse. sometimes i feel like i need something strong; it can be drugs , alcohol or maybe poisson. or maybe a gun to kill everyone with it and take revenge then shoot myself and then it will be the end of everything and everyone. too brutal ,eh? well i don't care since this is the only solution i have , because every morning i wake up i try hard again to believe in myself and in destiny and that everything is going to be alright, my faith in people grows back again like an annoying hair straw. My message for today is fuck'em all shoe-hearted bastards !