5. CHASING ARISTOCRACY!
Yesterday I put my head on the pillow with so many worries inside of it. It made my head fell so heavy even the pillow couldnt be the cloud to save me from my thoughts on the contrary it set me on fire but i was already starting to feel dizzy for I have doubled the dose of the sleeping medicine and I knew that soon enough I will fall in a deep weary sleep , the kind of sleep that makes you wake up depressed and all messed up because the dreams you dreamt were not pleasant enough to distract you from your fears. This temporary comma didn't erase your memory and this one more night was not restful enough to make you stronger , to make you win the battle of tomorrow. the coming miserable day.
But i remember dreaming many dreams that i know only comes when i take an overdose and sometimes i wonder if i should always increase the dose to explore deeper in my dreams but that will make the matter worse... I mean as if i need more misery in my life.
after all those dreams I felt like I actually have been living inside them for years and i can't believe that i believed that every dream was reality. and i dont know if i should be happy or not... cause maybe dreaming is reality and vice versa.
i know that this is not a new theory but i just can't help it. or maybe i am just desperate for it to be that way so that i will not have to admit the lack of happiness and fortune in my life.
at the end if i believed in those dreams or not my body would kick me to wake up and i couldnt do anything about it even though i didnt want to. i knew my mother would yell at me for sleeping so much and i will not blame her for not understanding how it feels to be me or how it feels to be inside my mind .
she might have been through alot but it is hard to explain to the closest person to you how it feels to be lonely the whole time. yet it is not about the company around you , it is about the one(s) inside you.
no you dont understand me yet.
But try to imagine being so self aware, so self concious that your soul is like a hollow hall and you are the only one in there trying to escape. It doesn't look harmful....so far.
Not until the whole image swims into your mind , until you see it clearly that you are alone in there and you will always be there trying to get out by yourself cause no one can break in and help you it.
Complicated i know.
You abandoned your own self or did somebody lure you into this illusion and ran away?
are you sane? am i sane?
maybe yes, maybe not at all
I think I know even if I dont
I wish I let go, I wish I could
even if I am mad
I will never be so cold
but I dont like my life
but if I die soon
I will never be wise and old
and if so , is that what i really wanted all along ?