Okay so let me start off by saying that I'm nothing special. There's nothing extraordinarily different about me that makes me stand out from others. I live a fairly boring life. Sure there's my brother who's always getting in and out of trouble and the constant visits to JDC whether it's from a misunderstanding, drugs, running away, or issues with the family. There's the constant fighting in the house, and then there's the secret. The secret only 3 people know about. The secret I only told 1 person willingly about. But that's something I'll get into later be she now is not the time. So now I suppose I should start from the beginning. About 4 years ago when I was 13. It's important that I explain this because if not you will not understand the rest of what I'm going to explain. So here goes nothing.
I surprised myself and the rest of my family by being up so early. It was 9 am on a Saturday and I had willingly gotten up and ready and was quite impatiently waiting. Staring out the window in front of the house. Who could blame me though? In my small neighborhood in east England we were getting a new neighbor! "Keaton stating out the window won't make them appear any faster." My mom said. Of course. "Oh maybe it'll be a girl your age so you can finally have a friend!" My brother said, he wasn't purposely being mean. He was just kidding but little did he now that I truly didn't have any friends anymore. I had pushed all of them away. The secret was why. It was ruining my life and I couldn't do anything about it. The noise of a large engine snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked up immediately and saw a blue mini van following the big truck. It took a lot of me not to run out right now before they could even get a chance to step out of the car, but I held myself back. I was secretly hoping my brother was right. That it was a girl my age. I really needed someone right now and I didn't have anyone. Not since my best friend Wayne had moved to the States last fall. I decided to wait 10 minutes before going outside; i didn't want to seem desperate -not that I wasn't I just didn't want to seem it. When my time was finally up I tried to walk slow out the door but gave up and bolted out carrying the brownies I had made for the new neighbors. When I got to their house only a few seconds later I didn't bother ringing the door because they were in and out getting all the boxes in doors because of the approaching storm clouds. When a pretty woman who looked to be in her early fifties with dark brown short hair made her way outside I didn't hesitate. "Hi I'm Keaton Liles. I live just next door. I brought you some brownies; is there anything you would like some help with?" She picked up a package before looking up and smiling at me "Oh how sweet of you Keaton! I'm Mrs. Styles, and if you don't mind me asking would you mind helping me carry a few boxes?" She seemed nice enough to me and didn't seem like the kind of person id have to worry about with 'stranger danger' nonsense. "No problem at all!" With that I picked up a box and headed right in the house behind her with the brownies balancing on top.
I ended up helping her for a while when we took a break to have a cup of tea. "So do you have any family with you in this house Mrs. Styles?" I asked politely. She told me she had a husband but he wouldn't be here for a few days yet and them she smiled and told me she had child about my age. I grinned and though about finally having a friend. I was lost in the made up scenarios in my head when she said "Harry is much like you. Shall I get him?" I surprised myself and the rest of my family by being up so early. It was 9 am on a Saturday and I had willingly gotten up and ready and was quite impatiently waiting. Staring out the window in front of the house. Who could blame me though? In my small neighborhood in east England we were getting a new neighbor! "Keaton stating out the window won't make them appear any faster." My mom said. Of course. "Oh maybe it'll be a girl your age so you can finally have a friend!" My brother said, he wasn't purposely being mean. He was just kidding but little did he now that I truly didn't have any friends anymore. I had pushed all of them away. The secret was why. It was ruining my life and I couldn't do anything about it. The noise of a large engine snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked up immediately and saw a blue mini van following the big truck. It took a lot of me not to run out right now before they could even get a chance to step out of the car, but I held myself back. I was secretly hoping my brother was right. That it was a girl my age. I really needed someone right now and I didn't have anyone. Not since my best friend Wayne had moved to the States last fall. I decided to wait 10 minutes before going outside; i didn't want to seem desperate -not that I wasn't I just didn't want to seem it. When my time was finally up I tried to walk slow out the door but gave up and bolted out carrying the brownies I had made for the new neighbors. When I got to their house only a few seconds later I didn't bother ringing the door because they were in and out getting all the boxes in doors because of the approaching storm clouds. When a pretty woman who looked to be in her early fifties with dark brown short hair made her way outside I didn't hesitate. "Hi I'm Keaton Liles. I live just next door. I brought you some brownies; is there anything you would like some help with?" She picked up a package before looking up and smiling at me "Oh how sweet of you Keaton! I'm Mrs. Styles, and if you don't mind me asking would you mind helping me carry a few boxes?" She seemed nice enough to me and didn't seem like the kind of person id have to worry about with 'stranger danger' nonsense. "No problem at all!" With that I picked up a box and headed right in the house behind her with the brownies balancing on top.
I ended up helping her for a while when we took a break to have a cup of tea. "So do you have any family with you in this house Mrs. Styles?" I asked politely. She told me she had a husband but he wouldn't be here for a few days yet and them she smiled and told me she had child about my age. I grinned and though about finally having a friend. I was lost in the made up scenarios in my head when she said "Harry is much like you. Shall I get him?"
Okay I'll admit it. I was nervous. But when I thought about it maybe a boy was better than a girl. Less drama i thought. Maybe Harry could be like Wayne! Or maybe Harry could mean something more. I cursed myself. I wasn't allowed to be having thoughts like that. No one would want me and I knew it. But there was still hope of a friendship in my mind.
When Mrs. Styes got up to find Harry I just sat there. Doing absolutely nothing until I heard foot steps. "Ugh do I have to mom?" I heard and assumed it was Harry. His mother said yes firmly and he slowly trudged up to meet me. Great, I thought. He didn't even want to see me how on earth could we be friends? I don't know what I was expecting him to look like but it wasn't that. He was handsome. More handsome than any of the other boys in my school. He has dark brown curly hair and perfect eyes. "Hello I'm Harry. Nice to meet you, the brownies you made were delicious." I could tell he was I only humoring his mother though so I began to think of an excuse to leave. "Well I want to finish some work inside so I'll leave you 2 to talk." And with that she left. We sort of just stared at each other before he broke the silence. "Your really beautiful you know. " I gasped and mumbled under my breath "no I'm not I'm an ugly piece of shit that no one cares about and I don't blame them." Apparently I wasn't quiet enough because when I looked up he had an expression on his face that could only mean that he'd heard me. Then he opened his mouth
Harry's P. O. V.
I couldn't believe what I just heard. She was one of the prettiest girls id seen and in a different way. She didn't look like the kind to walk around flaunting it. She seemed like the kind of person I could easily be friends with. Or maybe more...I stopped myself. This is how I would end up ruining it. Not that id had much experience but "That's not true." I said but I figured that I should let the subject drop given the look on her face. "So since it's summer do you know any good pools?" She thought for a moment. It looked like she was considering leaving but changed her mind "Well it's raining most of the time so there's not much of a need for them. But I know this place...." She trailed off. "Yeah...?" She told me it was a small lake in a clearing not too far into the woods. "The sun sometimes shines and there's a cave and even a small waterfall you can stand under!" She sounded excited. "Well Summer just started right?" She nodded "We have the whole time to lounge around in it?" I knew I wanted to spend time with her but I hoped I wasn't being too forward. She seemed to think for a moment. I bet she is always busy. Why would she want to hang around the new kid all summer anyways. "Never mind you probably have plans with your boyfriend and all the other people you hangout with everyday right?" I hoped I didn't sound too bitter but I had a habit of doing it. She looked stunned. "I uhm....don't really have any friends that I hangout with. Or really just in general..." She admitted quietly. "Oh." I said. Maybe a little too happy for the sentence she just said. "Well we can spend summer together. I never got your name!" She but her lip for just a second and said "Keaton." I'll come by around 4 and show you the lake...if your not busy?" I told her not at all and went inside happy. A good start.
Keaton's P. O. V.
After we went to the lake for the first time we knew a lot more about each other. We had spent hours there talking about ourselves. Opening up very easily. Which surprised me a lot. I had told him my biggest secret at the end of the night. I told him that I self harm and I showed him my scars. He didn't say anything and for that I was thankful. He just hugged me and ended up holdin me for a long time. When we finally let go he kissed me. It was short and sweet and exactly how I'd always wanted my first kiss to be. After it we just carried on and them walked home and acted like nothing happened. That's how most of the summer went. We talked and laughed and spent most of our time together. Towards the end of the summer I told him I loved him. He looked at me and said it back. He was my first love and he was lovely. We were happy and nothing was wrong.
When school had almost started we wee together in the park when he noticed something on my wrist. A single red line. He gasped because she i been clean all summer because of him. I told him that. I didn't want to but ultimately the hatred for myself and the way I looked pushed me over the edge and I had to do it again. Atleast 1 cut. So I did. And I enjoyed it. He asked me to roll up my sleeve and seeing I didn't have a chance I did. I remembered the last time I showed him how kind and supporting he had been and I did need a hug now. He surprised me though by yelling. He was angry extremely angry and we kept I fighting. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF!" I found myself not answering any of his questions and just backing away. "How can you be so angry. I need you to be kind to me and try to help me through this or I'll never make it. That's the Harry I know and need." He seemed to think for a moment and then he yelled again "RIGHT NOW YOU DONT NEED LOVE. YOU NEED HELP AND SITTING IN YOUR BATHROOM AND SLITTING YOUR WRISTS ISNT GOING TO HELP YOU AT ALL." That was the last conversation we'd had. After that comment I ran home crying and collected myself at the door enough to get to my room without my mom and dad questioning me. When I got upstairs I ran to the closet and found my journal and opened it up to find what I needed. I took them and went into the bathroom. I set them down and began crying again. Then I stopped. I wasn't sad. I was angry. How could he not understand. How could he be so cruel. I was angry and I began crying again so I took the blades I had collected and cut 1...2...5...8 cuts and the one deeper than I had ever gone. I had just done 9 total cuts and there was blood pouring out of me. I grabbed a towel to stop it after I realized what I had done. I was loosing consciousness. I had always been depressed but not ever suicidal. I decided I didn't want to die. Not today. I wasn't going to die for Harry. He was the only one I had left and he left me but I was stronger than that. Or so I'd like to hope. So I dialed 911 and when the operator asked what was wrong I told her I cut too deep. I was loosing a lot of blood. I blacked out in the middle of her telling me to stay calm.
I woke up to bright lights. It took me a few moments before I realized where I was. "H-hello?" I had heard someone snoring next to me. "Keaton! Oh my god your awake!" I was confused. "How long have I been asleep?" My brother stared at me. "Three days."
I was shocked. "H-has anyone come to visit me...?" I asked secretly hoping Harry had. "Just me and mum. Damn. "Keaton" he started looking nervous "Why? Why would you do that to yourself?" I was suddenly aware of the plaster on my wrist. I didn't know what to say. "Uhm well..." I started but burst into tears. Ryan stood up and made his way over to me. "Scoot over." He said. And I did. We sat there for about 15 minutes. He just held me while I cried. Finally when I calmed down I started. "Well you know...how I've done this before...for small reasons." He looked sad and said he never knew and why I would do it before "well I have some body image issues...and with all the fighting..." He nodded and asked me to continue. I explained what had happened with Harry. "Keaton I'm so sorry I wish I could have been there when you got home..so you wouldn't have done this." I was on the verge of tears "I loved him. I loved him and he left! He hasn't even visited me, he doesn't love me anymore and it's killing me!" Ryan rubbed my back in a circular pattern with his palm. "You know-" he started changing the subject "mum has been here the whole time too. She just got called into work this morning. "What time is it?" I asked him absent mindedly "5:57" he replied. Wow. "When can I leave?" He looked at me kindly and said in a soft voice "the doctors said once you were up you could leave but to be careful because you lost a lot of blood. You'll probably be weak for a few days." I couldn't think of a response so I just nodded and got up and headed to the bathroom with the bag that had some of my clothes in it. "Thankyou for packing me a bag Ryan" I said as I shut the door. "No worries.
It didn't hit me until we were home from the hospital that me and Harry were acctually over. And I burst I to tears yet again.
**ill try to update about every other day! Tell me what you think!!!***
My self harm was worse. I was cutting every single day, and I hated myself for that and because I was fat and ugly and I couldn't even keep Harry around. Everyone tried to be understanding to me because it was clear I was depressed. Although I was constantly cutting my scars weren't so noticeable. I didn't cut very deep because I couldn't have people thinking I was still self harming. A few weeks after I got home from the hospital Harry tried to contact me but I wouldn't answer his calls. He was my first love and he hurt me. So badly. The first couple of months after we broke up were the worst of my life. My mom was scared because I was eating less than I had before and I wouldn't leave my room. No one knew what to do. Ryan was there for me at first but had to leave to go to college. I was surprised at how much time had gone by. During school I kept to myself. I lost all my friends because I wouldn't talk to anyone anymore. I know what everyone was thinking. They didn't understand how him breaking up with me could cause this kind of a reaction. I never actually told people this but I wrote it quite a lot -I wrote sometimes to try and keep the pain away-. Before Harry I was broken. I was hurt and he came into my life and helped me back together. I was somewhat mended by the love he gave me. But when he left it was worse. He took away the love I had gotten used to having making me even more broken than before. I couldn't tell people that though. I couldn't have my mom getting me some therapist who would try to say they understood when they fucking didn't. No one did. No one did because no on e was me.
Seeing Harry at school caused too much pain. I had to transfer and my mom understood. Although he was my neighbor it's not like I ha to avoid him. I never went anywhere. At my new school people tried to make friends with me but I pushed them away. I don't know why but I did. Boys would stare at me and I wasn't sure why. I mean I was ugly and fat. Ugh.
Some days were worse than others but I just tried to move past them. I was basically in a black hole that just kept getting darker. My second year of high school I got a boyfriend but he broke up with me after only a few weeks. I was too lifeless. Haha of course. It's not like I didn't try to tell him that. Oh well. I spent most of my time alone in my room listening to music. I found out that when we were about 16 Harry left to audition for the X Factor. He made it and is in some big boy band famous around the world. Well at least he's happy. Not that it mattered. Not that he mattered I would always tell myself when I found him caught in my thoughts. But I couldn't always fool myself. I would sometimes listen to his music because even after all this time and pain his voice calmed me. His band was good and I found myself becoming a slight fan. I had quite a bit of their music on my phone and I listened to it a lot. I tried not to let myself think of Harry and how much I missed him. But I did.
Years later (Keaton is now 19)
"Yes mom I'm going to be fine!" My mom had been stressing about sending me off to London for college but I was old enough. "I know honey I just don't want you to do something silly," she started biting her top lip. "Well you remember back when you were 13-" the look on my face must have made her stop. She knew how much I hated to talk about that. "You'll be fine!" Ryan said. It seemed like he was trying to reassure my mother more than me. "Mom I really should be getting to the airport. My plane leaves in 2 hours!" I had all my bags packed. I'll admit I was a teensy but nervous. That's probably why my lip was raw, I tend to bite it when I'm feeling unsettled. "Okay if you say so honey..."
I was waiting for my flight to be called in the boring terminal waiting area chairs. I played with a loose string on my PINK sweatpants. I was dressed comfortably because of traveling today. My favorite sweats to be exact. They were burgundy and had a stretchy thing around the ankle. I had on a grey tee shirt from an even that I don't remember. Some walk-a-thon I think. And my black loose fitting jacket. I had to admit though I was happy about living in a dorm. I didn't really care who my roommate was. After being disliked by everyone -my own fault I know- I tended to not judge people. I didn't care who she was.
"Flight 307 to London. Now boarding. All passengers report to plane." Said a friendly female through the intercom. "Well this is it." My mom got ready eyed an Ryan laughed. "Mom it's okay I'll be back for thanksgiving! Yeah!" I hugged them both and said a quick goodbye and went to get on my plane.
The ride to London wasn't as bad as I expected. I sat next to a nice old man about 80 who was going to visit his grandson Niall. I could tell he was Irish by his accent. He and I laughed quite a lot and were hushed several times. Yes it can bond with an 80 year old man who I don't know and not a teenage girl get over it. That just shows how strange I am now. When I got off the plane I texted my mom and Ryan. 'Im here! Text you when I'm settled in my dorm later!!(:' and went to baggage claim to collect my luggage. After the 'longer than it needed to be' process I continued to go outside and fetch a cab. Quite quickly I might add.
The campus was huge! And I mean giant. While I was admiring it is suddenly had the wind knocked out of me. I fell the the ground making a loud sound. "OOHF." Some people gave me looks but just proceeded. I looked up to see who had landed on me. A very handsome familiar looking boy about my age. Maybe a year or two older smiled apologetically down at me. "Sorry! I should have been watching where I was going! The names Louis." He helped me up and stuck out his hand to me. "No your fine. I shouldn't have been just standing here like a loon. I'm Keaton." I smiled and shook his hand. "Well Keaton. Welcome to campus!" He smiled again referring to basically everywhere. "Do you go here?" I asked. Well duh Keaton. He's here and he's the age of a collage student. Sometimes I can be so stupid. 'Shut up' I told myself inside my head. "No actually, just visiting my girlfriend!" He said said kindly. "Oh darn. I was hoping to see a friendly face around, oh well. See you -maybe- later Louis!" He waved and walked away. Ugh. What is getting into me! I'm never this...talkative. Maybe I should keep it like this. Yeah. New place. New Keaton. Maybe this will work. I smiled at the thought.
The dorms were larger than I expected. I few doors were open on the way to my room so I peeked. They were nice too! Wow. But the bathrooms were for girls and boys. Oh well. Not that it really mattered. I found my room 13B and heard laughing inside. I knocked quick to make sure no 'Funny business' was going on inside. Yeah I know how college works. I didn't hear anything so I but my bottom lip and walked right in. The first thing I noticed were all the band posters and I knew wet would get along. She had mayday parade, sleeping with sirens, three days grace, Avril lavine and TONS more! I noticed her sitting on her bed probably video chatting someone, she had long blonde hair, down to her waist like mine. She had warm brown eyes and she had to be about 5'7. Yeah I'm good at guessing heights. She had fairly pale skin and lots of freckles. On her bed was a purple and blue duvet. "Hi! I'm deni, nice to meet you!" She held out her hand for a fist bump. Man I could tell I was really gonna like this girl. "Keaton." I flashed a small smile at her. "Did you know there's a party tonight? It's gonna be really cool, first of the year!" I didn't really do parties. "Uhmm actually.." Wait. New place. New Keaton. "Id love to Deni!" She beamed. We both began unpacking and talking about ourselves. Everything. Except about Harry and my depression and ed and selfharm. Of course. We talked forever until all our stuff was hanging up. Our posters basically mirrored each other's. We giggled about that. Wow. I actually giggled. "So. What's your secret?" Deni asked me. "What do you mean?" She began explaining to me how everyone has a secret. "Oh. Well...it's...c-complicated..." I replied. She seemed unsure but respected my privacy. "you know what deni?" I asked her. "What dude?" I loved how she said dude all the time just like me "I think were gonna be great friends" I smiled and told her truthfully. "I agree" and again we fist bumped.
A few hours later me and Deni had half our wardrobes laying out on our beds. We continuously swapped sides and clothes(we turned out to be the same size, other than the 5 inch height difference). In the end Deni had on ripped light wash skinny jeans a nirvana t-shirt, red flannel, and white docs. I had on medium washed ripped high wasted jean shorts, a plain white Miranda and the diamonds band t and a green flannel, and my black docs. We both wore normal makeup. It ended up being foundation powder bronzed mascara and a thick line of black eye liner on top. I of course wore my abundance of bracelets and my cross necklace. Deni had a rubber band on her wrist and a leather necklace. We grabbed our phones and walked out of the dorm.
By the time we got to the frat house. By walking. There were already probably 20 people passed out in the lawn. Inside there was hardly a sober person in sight. Me and Deni agreed to spilt up and text each other later. Not that I was too thrilled with this because I wasn't exactly known as Frankie make friends. I went into the kitchen and took a couple shots by myself. I knew I could hold quite a bit of alcohol . I could out drink almost every guy is ever drinker with. I was getting bored so I decided to text Deni and figure out where she was.
As I was getting out my phone a guy who actually just looked like a prick came over to me. "Hey baby. Wana go upstairs with me?" He slurred from too much alcohol. And cockiness if you ask me. "No. Thanks." I hated people like this so I decide go just walk away. "But baby come ooon. Don't be a prude." He leaned in to try and kiss me and I leaned over so he kissed nothing but air. "Don't be like that!" I was getting bad. "Then don't try to kiss me like that." I spit his words back at him. He again leaned in to try and kiss me but I hit him in the face. I'm not one for slapping so he got a punch. "You bitch!" She screamed. He had this look in his eye and I was kind of scared. "If your not going to let me play with you, maybe you'll let me and my friends play with you. That'll be fun for you haha won't it?!" Now I was scared. I knew I could fight off him but not more than 3 guys. I kneed him in the groin to try to get away. "Ugh. Stop being so difficult you slut!" She moaned and slapped me across the face. It stung a little but I'm accustomed to pain. Just then 3 other guys which I guessed to be his 'friends' came over and picked me up. "What the fuck do you think your doing!" I yelled. They ignored me and me hitting all of them. I heard some girls screeching about some famous guys coming and I yelled for them to help but they couldn't hear. "Seriously let me the fuck go." I growled. They carried me into a room and shut the door. They then proceeded to throw me on a bed. "Not let's have some fun creepy dude number one said. He had the same greasy black hair I saw when he came onto me in the kitchen. Disgusting. They then all walked over to me and I began to realize that I was actually about to be raped. I tried begging. "Please. Stop...d-don't do th-th-this!" They ignored me but mumbled something along the lines of 'ugh virgins. Shut the hell up.' How the fuck did they know? I screamed for help but not much came out before a hand was clamped over my mouth " scream again and we won't stop." Said creepy guy number 2. He had long blonde hair. Stringy. Ew. At this point they began to undress me And I really began to panic. I realized I was having a full blown panic attack.
The last thing I remembered was a blonde haired Guy, and a black haired guy with tanned skin, along with a buff brunette and brown eyes opening the door and picking me up.
I wake up with a throbbing headache. I don't remember anything. Ugh. That's so strange. I usually remember everything even if I do black out. I'm trying to take in everything around me and in thankful to the closed blinds. Whoever is that. The walks are blue and I'm draped in a thick gold duvet. Wait. Whoever did that..whoever put me here..who the hell are they? How did I get here? Ugh. I start to remember last night. THANKGOD. But then I remember where I was before I blacked. I was. Almost raped. Ugh bloody hell!!
If one of the boys that took me here raped me after that I'm going to go ape shit and kick some asses. Okay. Keaton it's time to get up. As I'm getting up my stomach decides to remind me why I was here and I find myself on my knees I front of a toilet. When I was done with that process I brushed my teeth with a newfound toothbrush and found I was still in my clothes from last night. Well that's a plus. I heard voiced downstairs. 3 or 4 maybe. All male. When my foot hit the last step I began. "Look if any of you raped me, in going to kick all if your asses." The smirked causing me to glare at all of them. "Acctually we saved you from getting raped and brought you back to our guest room because you blacked" someone with light brown hair sassed. Man all of these boys were attractive. Oh well it's not like they'd be interested in my fat ass and not like is be interested in a relashionship. "Were about 6 or miles east of your campus, so not too far away." Someone who was obviously Irish told me sensing my unasked question. "Thankyou." I flashed a smile. The one with tanned skin and black hair spoke up "so do you know who we are?" Was I suppose to? "Uhm..no...wait a second." They all looked very familiar now and the only thing missing was a curly haired boy that hurt to think about. "I have to go. Now." I clenched my teeth. "Wait why? Harry still has yet to meet you. He'll probably wake up soon and I'm sure he'd love to meet you!" The Irish one spoke up again. "I am most deffinetly not interested In meeting Harry. Goodbye and Thankyou Niall." I began to talk away but he grabbed my arm. I shook it off. "Wait at least tell us your name!" I hesitated but began "it's uhm...it's- it's Keaton. Keaton Liles. Goodbye now." I almost got out the door before Liam spoke up "text us! We added our numbers to your phone!" He winked and I laughed and walked away. I actually caught a taxi and the driver said it was free. Yay.
When I got back to the dorm I was expecting Deni to question me about last night. Much to my surprise she completely ignored it. We talked more about oh classes and found out we both had calculus in about 2 hours. When we decided it was time to shower Deni stopped me. "Wait Keaton...can I ask you a question?" Oh god.
"Yeah deni! Anything" I smiled at her having no clue what was happening. "Well. It's about uhm. Mental illness..." She said. Damnit. "Look Deni...I know it's-" she cut me off. "let me finish please." I nodded at her still nervous. "Well. For the last couple of years..I've been struggling with. Self harm. And eating disorders...and depression. An it's all because of a stupid boy that I haven't seen in forever and I have no idea why I'm telling you this because I've never told anyone. It's just....I feel like I can trust you and I do." She finished letting out a big sigh. I say there in shock. My mouth was hanging open. "Oh god. I shouldn't have told you that..I can understand if you want to switch dorms for someone sane. Ugh I'm so fucking stu-"she began to groan before I ran over to her and hugged her as tight as I could and began sobbing. "Deni. Oh god. I...me too. All of it. Jesus I didn't think anyone would understand." I blubbered. I hast let myself break down I front of anyone like this since the hospital with Ryan several years ago. I liked it. It felt so good. "Really? Oh my god Keaton. That's so strange that both of us are the same like that...but...we needed up as roommates too? God we must have done something amazing to deserve this!" She smiled while crying. "I know...thank god I can talk to someone who understands!" We sat down after collecting ourselves and told out stories. All of them this time. I found out that Deni was bi sexual and I was fine with it. Honestly our stories were very similar except what we did to escape the pain. She tried to become friends with everyone and slept around a lot. Like a different person every night. We continued to talk all day and actually missed the lessons today. Even though it was the first day we didn't care. I told her about Harry and all the way up to this morning. We really opened up to each other. That night I slept really well knowing a burden was lifted from my shoulders.
The next morning we got up at 8:00 am. We showered and put on our normal makeup. We always wore it. Neither of us were comfortable without it. She dressed in black leggings and a long sleeved t shirt. Some gray thing from a marathon probably. She threw on some white keds and sat down. I put on my black leggings and a dark blue sweatshirt with a large hood. I threw on my black converse high tops, grabbed my brown leather bag and motioned to Keaton saying I was ready. We headed outside of the dorm and walked to speech together. Man we got lucky. We litterally had all of our classes together except for one! By the time speech was over Keaton left for drama and I headed to performing arts.
It was boring at first but our teacher dr. Jones was nice enough. I was also in a good mood today because of my heart to heart with Deni. "Ms. Liles. Would you like to share with the class your musical talent?" Hah talent? "Well I wouldn't call myself talented..but I sing and play the acoustic guitar." He smiled at me. "Lovely. We acctually have some guests coming and if your not sure that your talented, they can tutor you some! I'm sure all of you will love him!" Oh god. Ugh more people to hear how god awful I am. Really?
When I get back to the dorms I find that there's a note on my bed. 'Went out the park for some air, be home around dinner, let's get some food??!! Xoxo Deni'. I smiled at the thought of her leaving me a note. I know it was simple, but it was a nice gesture she did for me. I was thinking of something to do to kill time. While I was sitting I began to think. I tried to avoid this because thinking when I'm alone always lead to thinking too much. That lead to replace. I've been clean for about 2 weeks and I'm not going to screw it up. I had a lightbulb come over my head and I was happy it was there. I pulled out my secret box (held cigarettes, blades, journal, lighter, pipe, and some drugs.) I grabbed out my pipe and some weed and loaded a bowl. I started playing 'Rude' by Magic. It kept me in a good mood and I lit up my bowl taking my first hit. Oh how I loved this. I knew Deni wouldn't mind because she smokes too. If anything she'll be upset that I didn't wait for her. Hah. I began to feel happy. See that's why I fucking love weed.
By the time I was done, id smoked three bowls. If didn't matter how much I smoked because my seller and I were tight and he didn't even charge me. I got to that stage tv laying double for the first 2 years of buying. I started smoking when I was about 14. I was glad when I found another escape. So yeah, I never got in an trouble with my seller and he was the closest thing id had to a 'friend' in most of my teenage years. So now I was laying on my bed doing some smoke tricks with my e-cig. I had cherry flavored juice in it. My favorite. I was blaring 'wake me when September ends' by Green Day singing along when there wasn't smoke in my mouth. Hah. I snap chatted Deni a few time doing smoke rings or a French inhale or some shit. I heard the door open and saw Deni coming closer. "Shit dude! Your eyes look like fucking tomatoes Aahaha!" She laughed. I found myself laughing too as she pulled out an already rolled joint. "Sorry for not waiting for you, I needed to smoke or else I woulda...let's just just say it was good I smoked!" I smiled and she nodded understanding. "I guess this rules out going out to eat? Ahah" I laughed.
We decided to just order some chinese...we would probably not eat much but we still liked it. I was just about to order some when I got acall from a 'Liam' huh. Oh dammit. I remembered now. I knew I had to answer or else he'd keep calling. Deni looked at me strangely. Probably due to the pained look on my face. I told her it was Liam. From Harry's band. She remembered instantly from what I told her about the morning after the party. She let out a big puff of smoke at my 'words' I answered hesitantly. "H-hello?" "Hey! This is Liam, is this Keaton?" I sighed. "Uhm...yes. Yes it's Keaton." I could basically hear him smile. Why? "Well I was wondering if you wanted to come and hangout at the park with me and the lads?" Oh no. "Uhm. I'm actually with my roommate right now..." I tried. Hopefully getting out of it. No such luck. "Oh! She can come too, we all want to hangout with you again!" Damnit. Maybe I could try another approach. "Who do you mean by the lads. Because I can't come if Har-Harry is going to be there." Maybe it would be like a group package thing. "Why are you avoiding Harry? And well he didn't even meet you so maybe he doesn't deserve to?" he probably smirked. I could sense he was trying not laugh. "Ugh. Fine. If you can promise Harry won't be there." What the hell Keaton?!?! Ugh. It was the fucking high talking. "Great!! and you better explain!! Meet us at west park in 30 minutes!!!" Damn. "Okay. See ya there" I hung up. "FUCK!!" Deni looked at me and I explained what we were doing. Damnit.
Me and the lads have been wanting to see Keaton again since we met her. She was just so damn beautiful. She had such a frail body yet she was curvy. Like seriously how does someone so small have such a curvy figure? Me and the lads were all wondering who she would go out with if any of us. "Do any of you know why she's so against Harry?" I asked them. Pulling all of us out of our thoughts. Probably all about her. Man. Hah. None of us really liked her but she was just hot. But I sensed he had been hurt sometime. She seemed to be reserved. A lot.
Me and the lads decided to calm her up and see if she wanted to hangout. We hadn't yet asked Harry about her or told him. She seemed intent on not being around him and we didn't want to make her upset. All the lads circled around me and make me put the phone on speaker. Niall happened to be eating chips and was crunching quite loudly but Zayn sensed this the same time as me. Literally seconds before she picked up Zayn had the chips thrown across the room making a large mess. Not like any of us cared though. We would just get it later.
By the end of the phone call, we were going to meet her at the park and Harry was still out of the loop at her request. She was bringing her roommate. Louis was pretty excited about that since he had been out of a relashionship for a while now. Actually only Zayn was in a relashionship right now. Him and Perrie were happily engaged. We decided to head to the park now, not wanting to be late.
Me and Deni were just going to get dressed and then head out because we had to walk. I put on some leggings, a lose fitting grey v-neck, a red and blue flannel (unbuttoned) and my black leather jacket. Also of course my signature black converse high tops.
Deni threw on some light wash ripped jeans and a black sweatshirt along with some grey vans. Both of us of course had our bracelets on. Probably too many, but that's the price for slitting open your wrists when your sad. And yes I talk about self harm that openly. It's not like I insult it. I do self harm and Deni is the exact same way. I grab my little Indianish printed bag. I got in a a little shop when I went to a place called Colorado in the states. That's where I got my pipe. I smiled at the memory. Me and Deni grabbed out phones and headed out the door.
We didn't talk much on the way to the park, but that was okay. It was a comfortable silence. We shared a pair of headphone on the way listening to 'We The Kings.' When we got there we saw 4 boys looking our way. Oh great.
"Keaton!" I heard them yell. I mentally rolled my eyes but let a smile smile escape. "Hey." I said smallly. "This is Deni my roommate. Deni this is Liam, Louis, Niall, and Zayn. The boys that I basically just met. They saved me from some pervert at the party." I explained again for some reason. "Come! Come over here there's a couple benches." Niall I think said. Huh. "Wait. Niall?" He looked at me and said "yeah hon?" Hon? Oh well. "Did your grandfather come to visit you. Like just a few days ago?" I asked remembering the plane ride. "Yeah, he acctually did..wait. Did you ride on the plane next to him? He laughed. "Yes. I actually did." I had no idea why he laughed. It was sort of rude. "Well he wouldn't stop going on about how nice this pretty young lady was to him on the plane!" Oh. "Oh haha that's funny." And if was. Sort of. All of us continued small talk for the next 20 or 30 minutes. But then Liam brought it up. "Hey. Keaton. About Harry. Why don't you want to see him?"
As soon as Liam said that I could see Keaton tense up. I think she should tell these boys. I smiled encouragingly at her. She nodded and told them all about her and Harry and how she was in love when they were younger. Of course she left out the selfharm and ed and depression. I would have too. She just said she'd rather not talk about why they broke up. What she did say was that it was extremely hard. What an understatement. I cannot believe she actually told the boys this. I could see she was uncomfortable with it at first but quickly got over it. I'll admit. I had a small crush on Louis because he was so kind and funny. I know he would never be with me because people don't except bi people unless they are one. Especially broken bi people. That's even harder. Life was just hard.
Me and Keaton didn't know what there reaction was going to be but deffinetly did not expect this. "Oh my god! Your THE Keaton Liles??" Louis almost shouts. She looked bewildered. "The? What do you mean 'the Keaton Liles?" They all looked so happy and excited. "Well Harry has had lots if girlfriends but always breaks up with them. He always says that they'll never be Keaton so why bother?" Keaton looks happy for a split second but quickly recovers and looks hurt. "Why would you tell me this?" She almost shouts. I could tell she didn't believe them. She wanted to. So badly. I could see it. "Because love. It's the truth." Liam kindly says. Man this guy has the softest voice. Keaton looks up for a split second but sprints away as soon as she hears some one coming towards us shout "hey there you lads are! Who ya with?" I look up in shock. I give a them sympathetic looks and quickly follow Keaton.
I got home to see none of the lads were there. Huh? I went to make a sandwich for myself. While I was eating it I began to think about where they could be. I was extremely bored and I wanted to hangout with them. I decided to go to the park because I had a feeling they may be there. I threw on a black v-neck, black jeans, and my brown boots along with my grey jacket. My hair was gelled back just how I like if and I jumped in my Fararri and headed out.
When I got to the park I looked around and saw them talking to two girls. Both gorgeous and very skinny. One looked so familiar, man! I jumped out of the car to see who they were. When I got close I shouted at them "hey there you lads are! Who ya with?" As soon as I said this I made eye contact with the brunette. She stared for a second before quickly sprinting away. The other one. Blonde. Looked at the lads and quickly followed her friend. By the time I got to the lads I realized who it was. Oh my god. It was Keaton Liles.
Stupid. The first word that came to mind when I thought about what I had done this afternoon. I vowed to never let myself come close to him ever again. I would hurt myself. It killed me hearing his voice and I knew seeing him would make it worse but I had to look. And I did.
I'm still sprinting at this point and even if Deni was running she would most likely just be getting out of the park, where as me. I am already back at the dorm. I ran into the dorm, found a chair and wedged it under the door handle. I was frantic. I was nervous. I was scared. Shocked. Angry. Sad. Numb.
I could not let myself become numb. I was begging to let the numbness take over and I needed something to get it to turn off. I could handle pain. Not numbness. I had been having a few really nice days and I could not let myself get back to where i was before. It hurt to think about.
Once the door was jammed I ran to my secret box. Out of breath I took a second to slow my heart. Pointless. I fumbled with the handle thing on the box for a second before quickly pulling it open. I reached my hand under everything else in the box and grabbed my saviors. The only thing I could count on the last 6 years of my life. I walked into our bathroom which consisted of a sink mirror and toilet. The bathroom for me and Deni only. Walked was sort of an understatement really. Once inside I locked this door too and began.
Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. This can't be good. I was almost to the dorms now but ugh. Keaton cannot be alone right now. She just saw Harry for Christ's sake. I wouldn't want her to do anything stupid. Wait. "NO" I gasped while running and spun around.
If I was right, the door was most likely blocked and I needed someone who would be able to get inside. The window was not an option. We were 3 stories up. Our dorms were more like apartments really.
Once I was back to the park I ran around for a good ten minutes before finding the guys. I saw them getting into their cars and I wasn't close enough. I ran towards them fast as I could. I actually just flung myself at their car last minute causing them to slam the breaks.
Once I got up from the ground brushing off my face that was now bleeding from hitting the pavement I ran to their window.
Liam smiled at first but then saw my face and frantic state and hopped out of the car quickly. "What! What's wrong Deni?!" He yelled. "Drive me. Back to our dorm. Can you break down doors by any chance?" I asked. He just sped towards the dorms.
The drive would take about 10 minutes. On the way I explained to him that she may have done something really stupid. He looked strange but saw my conflicted facial expression and shut up.
Once at the dorm we all got out of the car. All being me, Liam, louis,Zayn, and Niall.
At the door of our dorm I tried the handle. I knew it. "Damn. Break it down! Now!" I yelled at the boys. They quickly complied and took a few steps back before throwing themselves at the door.
It took 2 or 3 times before the door busted. By then there were people out in the halls looking. "Call the fucking police. Hospital!" I screamed while running in the door. "Shit. Where the hell is she?!" I yelled again.
"Oh god the bathroom!" Louis yelled. I looked at them and gestured for them to break it down. "Now!" They then got the hint. This time they broke if down the first time. I heard sirens. That was fast I thought quickly. I looked inside bracing myself telling the boys quickly "wait out here!"
I ran into the bathroom only to slip on water or something. I saw Keaton lying there looking lifeless. Now I heard he emergency people coming. I then realized I hadn't slipped in water. Id slipped in blood.
"Jesus Christ!" I heard the boys shout now that they had looked in. I quickly looked at Keaton's wrist and looked away. Oh god no. This could not. Be. Happening. 3 vertical cuts along her wrist. I'm tried to feel a pulse. At first I found nothing. But then i found a small thump. Off beat and too far in between another. I'd take it. But it was slowing down.
Just then the nurses came running in. They put Keaton on a stretcher. "Family?" They asked me quickly. "Sister." I replied instantly. Almost true. At this point I didn't care if the boys followed us. I just wanted Keaton to be okay. Honestly I wasn't sure if she would be.
I didn't understand why the boys would be with Keaton...were any of them dating? That really hurt to think about, so I let it drop. I still missed Keaton. Even after all this damn time. She's probably forgotten about me by now. I miss her still.
She looked so different. She looks like she's been through a lot. And man. She's so skinny. So skinny I could mostly likely see her bones if she wasn't covered in clothing. Not that I was thinking like that.
Once the boys rushed off to follow Keaton and her friend, I was getting suspicious. So I followed them. Can you blame me? I followed them until they came across her friend again. She was frantic and had a scared look on her face. Where was Keaton?
I watched as they all rushed into some college dorm rooms. I waited for about 5 minutes. An ambulance had arrived and I was getting worried. Who was hurt? Within the next 5 minutes I saw Keaton being rushed out on a stretcher covered in blood.
Thinking back to our past I checked her wrist. I really wish I hadn't. I saw 3 gashes. Was she trying to kill herself? Did I drive her to this? I couldn't live with myself knowing I caused her death.
I saw her friend and the boys rush out next. Her friend got in the ambulance with her and the boys hurried to their car. Liam's. I followed them. I had to.
Once at the hospital I got out of the car slowly and followed them in.
I awoke to a beeping. I tried to move. Nope. I couldn't see either. What is this? If I'm dead, death is not what I was expecting. I'm not sure I can live with this forever. Wait. The beeping. Sterile smell. I'm in a hospital! Shit.
I tried to remember what happened but all I know is that I went to the park with Deni and Liam, Louis, Niall, and Zayn.
I was aware of someone holding my hand. I needed to know who it was. The hand was too large and rough to be Denis. It had to be a mans. It didn't feel too dry though, so they mud be young. I've learned that the older a man gets, his hands continue to get dryer and dryer. Gross.
Again back to the person holding my hand. Hmm...I couldn't smell. I thought I began to see a change in my vision. Finally. But everything went black again.
This went on for what seems like forever. I could never speak, see, or smell...but I could feel and hear. This made no sense. The same hand came back a few times. I heard Deni talking to me, I even heard the boys sing to me a little. It was nice.
At last I opened my eyes slowly, not wanting to take away the image. It was dark, but I could still see clearly. I tried to move my fingers and they twitched. "H-hello?" I croaked. Deni came running up from a chair "Keaton! Oh my god your awake!!" She hit my nurses button and handed me a glad of water which I thankfully took an gulped down. "Uhm. How..how long wa-was I..was I..asleep..for?" I tried. She looked at me sadly. "4 days." My jaw dropped. "4 days!?" Wow. The nurse then came in and asked me how I was. I just looked at her. "Really?" She nodded and told me I could leave tomorrow.
"Deni?" She looked at me and smiled. "Yes?" I didn't really know what to say. "Uhm. Why am I here? What happened?" She looked at me weirdly "you really don't know?" I shook my head side to side. She explained the park and how...Harry...came. I ran off. She found me in the bathroom. Wrists bleeding. Almost dead. I lost a lot of blood. Almost too much. I was lucky. Man.
I know it's dumb. I want her back. I know that we've been apart for so long and we were just children when we loved eachother, but I want her back. I want her sarcastic humor back. How she would smile shyly when I had managed to keep her from getting too upset. Even how she got mad a little too easily. Just like me. I know she can't feel the same but...well she probably hated me....but I'm determined. I will get her back.
I can't stop thinking about how I was the one that drove her to attempt suicide. I mean I knew that she used to have issues with how she saw herself...but she is gorgeous. I guess I brought back a lot of bad memories? I'm not sure. But she is just perfect. I do wish she would eat more. She needs to gain some weight. I mean she's what 5'2 and she can't weight over 100 lbs soaking wet. But all that being said she manages to be curvy? How is that even possible? She still has a...nice butt and honestly boobs too. They're probably the only source of extra body she has on her. Not that I would say that to anyone. It's most definitely not what she needs to hear. I don't know how she pulls off pretty and frail and curvy and sexy but she does.
The thing that still gets me -again- about her is her personality though. I can't imagine how she could change her sarcastic humor, and sweetness, and not giving a fuck about what others think. I just miss her.
Okay I've decided I can't wait. I'm going to talk to her now. I go and I run to my car and speed off to the hospital.
By the time I arrive I see Deni's car in the same spot it's been in. I know she probably still won't approve of me being her -again I may add- but I don't care. I need to see her.
As soon as I'm in the doors the nurse tells me to head up. She just remember me because I'm here almost everyday. Keaton doesn't know that but, Deni and the boys do.
Once I reach her floor I peak in the window and lock eyes with Deni. I basically plead her -without speaking?- to let me see Keaton. She actually let's me willingly. Wow. Once she is out of the door she speaks to me. "Look. She doesn't need you hurting her anymore. Please try not to. Oh and if she tells you to do something, so long as it's reasonable, do it. And leave when she asks. I really don't want to see her hurt. Because if you hurt her. I will hurt you worse. Got it?" I listened to her little speech politely soaking up even word she said. "Trust me I don't want to her her any more than you do" she widens her eyes and mumbles "not likely" but I leave it alone.
Once she walks away to the food court, probably not to eat...I brace myself and open the door.