It’s been a few days and Minhyun hasn’t done anything crazy yet. He has been around me more than usual and don’t like me being alone with JR. But he hasn’t said anything about his feelings in front of the others and as far as I know he hasn’t said anything to JR about it either. Maybe he isn’t sure about how JR feels about me or how to get me away from him without making things complicated between us. But when Minhyun told me he liked me, I was really shocked and I didn’t see it coming at all. And I can’t help but think about the irony. The guy I used to have a crush on is now in love with me, while I’m in love with someone else. And I have no idea about JR’s feelings. I wonder if any of us will be able to date someone when our feelings are so complicated.
But Minhyun isn’t the only one who has been acting different. Even JR has done things he didn’t do before. He defends me. When girls talk trash about me, JR asks them to shut up and leave. It’s like he has become my protector. Once he actually surprised me. Some girls said that I stuck to JR against his will and followed him around. I’ve heard that before and didn’t think much about it. But suddenly JR put his arm around my shoulder and kissed my hair very lightly, which made the girls leave with dissatisfied expressions. When I asked him why he did it he just said that it would work better than words. Then he removed his arm and left. He does that a lot lately. Does something nice and then acts like it’s nothing and leaves. Sometimes he doesn’t even explain his reason and just leaves without a word. It’s very confusing and I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m going crazy because I have no idea what JR is thinking. Does he like me or not? Is he serious about me or is he just playing around. I need to know but even if I ask him I don’t think he’ll answer me. Still I’m going to try. The worst thing that could happen is that he doesn’t give an answer.
As soon as I reach home, I go to JR’s room. Minhyun has practice so he won’t disturb us this time. I knock on the door but there is no answer, so I just walk in. He is used to that anyway.
“What?” he says without even looking up. I guess he knows it’s me. “I need to ask you something,” I say and close the door behind me. “Who says so?” he asks and I frown. “What do you mean?”
“Who says you need to?” he asks and looks up at me. “I guess you still dislike me asking you questions since you’re trying to distract me so I forget my question,” I say and he smirks. “You’re not as stupid as you look,” he says and I shake my head. “It’s not gonna work. I really need to ask you this,” I insist and he sighs. “Fine. Ask.”
I take a deep breath before I ask the question that can change everything.
“Why do you get mad at me when I help you?” I ask and JR doesn’t look at me. “What are you talking about?” he says and I sigh because he answers my question with a question. “Remember that time you got into a fight and a teacher caught you? I said you protected me and if I hadn’t been there you would probably have been expelled,” I say and JR remains silent. I’m starting to think he won’t answer but then I hear his husky voice.
“I remember,” he says still without looking up. “Why did you get mad?” I ask again and wait anxiously for the answer. I have after all wanted to know this for quite some time now. JR takes a deep breath and finally raises his head. He looks at me and I can’t read the expression on his face.
“By helping me like that you made me feel… weak. I wanted to handle it myself and I got mad at you because I couldn’t,” he says and tilts his head a bit while still looking at me, “but I’m surprised this bothered you. It didn’t seem to affect you very much when I got mad at you the first time you pulled me away from a fight.”
I bite my lip and now it’s my turn to look at the floor. “Things changed since then. I changed. My feelings…” I stop midsentence and mentally curse at myself for almost telling him about my feelings for him. I look at JR out of the corner of my eye but he doesn’t seem to have noticed anything. Just like usual I’m not important enough. He can only focus on me for a short period of time before he gets bored and turns his attention elsewhere. This one time I don’t mind though. If he finds out about my feelings I fear what he would say. What he would do. JR is always so unpredictable. I never know what to expect from him so I imagine the worst things my brain can come up with. Besides I don’t know how he feels yet and it could ruin everything if he finds out that I like him and he doesn’t like me. So for now I’m going to keep it a secret a little longer. My question didn’t really give a hint to how he’s feeling about me. I just found out that I hurt his pride and that’s why he got mad. I’m not surprised though. JR’s father told me that JR can’t stand feeling weak. So if he ever gets into a fight again I guess I’ll have to stay out of it, unless I want to piss JR off.
Since I don’t really have more to say, I turn around and open the door.
“If you protected me now, I would still get mad,” he says and I pause on the doorstep, “though the reason would be different this time.”
“What would the reason be this time?” I ask and JR is silent for a few seconds before he answers. “In our relationship I’m the one who’s supposed to protect you. Not the other way around.”
My breathing stops and I turn around to look at JR. He meets my gaze and his expression is serious. “What..?” I whisper barely loud enough to hear. “I’ll protect you so don’t worry about a thing. And don’t try to protect me because I’ll take care of myself and you at the same time. Just let me do this. Without asking questions and don’t try to fight it. Just let me do this for you.”
I gaze at him and can’t hide my shocked expression. “Now leave. I want to be alone,” JR says and turns his back on me. I nod and quickly leave the room. I run to my own room and close the door behind me. I lean against the closed door and lay a hand above my heart. It’s beating like crazy and my breathing is also out of control. Did JR just confess to me in his own weird and twisted way? Or did I just misunderstand? What exactly did he mean? He wants to protect me and don’t want me to worry. Does that mean he likes me or maybe he just wants to be my friend for once? Since he hasn’t been nice to me from the beginning I’m not sure how to interpret his words and behavior. Instead of wondering about it I guess I’ll have to wait and see what happens next. Everything just got more complicated but also more exiting. I wonder where this is gonna go.
It’s Saturday afternoon and the house is very quiet. Minhyun is on a training camp with his basketball team over the weekend while Aron is at home for a change and is staying there till Sunday. My parents are visiting some friends from high school that live in Busan and they are staying overnight. Which means that for the next 24 hours, I’m home alone with JR. I don’t know if I should feel excited or scared. Anything can happen, but there is also the possibility that nothing will happen at all. When it comes to JR I never know what to expect.
It’s been four hours since everyone left and I haven’t seen JR once. He has been in his room, doing God knows what, while I’m doing my homework in the living room. Normally I would go to his room and force my company on him. But now that there’s no one else home, it feels kind of scary. Just me and him alone in his room with no one else in the house. I shake my head to get those kinds of thoughts out. That’s not what I should be thinking about right now. I shouldn’t be thinking about it at all. Like ever. The kiss with JR is a one-time experience. I have no idea why he did it in the first place, but I’m sure it will never happen again. Though I kind of wish it would. But for some reason I just can’t imagine JR being in love. Especially not with me.
I end up closing my math book because I know that I can’t concentrate on homework right now. Instead I decide to start making dinner to distract my thoughts from JR. It would be nice not thinking about him for a change.
I have been absorbed in cooking for a couple of minutes and I’m starting to relax a little bit. I hadn’t realized I have been so tense the last couple of days. It looks like the whole situation with JR and Minhyun is stressing me more than I realize. I still need to figure out what to do about Minhyun and his feelings for me. I just hope JR and Minhyun aren’t throwing their friendship away because of me. If they did, Ren would kill me. Then he would resurrect me and kill me again. I don’t want his fear to come true and I definitely don’t want to come between best friends. I just have no idea how to solve this. I run a hand through my hair and I can feel a headache building up. I decide to take a pain-killer before it gets too painful. I turn around but I only get to take one step before I collide with something. I lose my balance and fall forward without time to break the fall. But what I land on isn’t as hard and cold as the kitchen floor. It’s actually quite warm. And for some reason it moves. Wait… what? Floors aren’t supposed to move. I raise my head a little and gasp when I realize what I’m lying on top of. I stare right into JR’s eyes and his face is very close to mine. My heart starts beating really fast and I’m sure he can feel it against his chest. It would be so easy to kiss him like this. But my mind is completely blank because of the shock and all I can do is stare into his eyes.
“I don’t know about you, but this doesn’t feel very comfortable so could you move?” JR asks in a very calm voice as if he isn’t affected at all. I quickly apologize as I roll over and land on my back on the floor. JR gets up and brushes his clothes. Then he turns and looks down at me.
“Feeling comfy?” he asks and I shake my head. He reaches out his hand and I hesitantly take it. Then he quickly pulls me to my feet and I end up standing with my body pressed against his. Once again our faces are very close to each other. But this time I don’t have time to think anything because JR suddenly embraces me and presses his lips aggressively against mine. I stiffen and my mind once again goes blank. I feel like my heart’s going to explode and I’ve forgotten how to breathe properly. I feel breathless and dizzy. But then suddenly and out of nowhere, I actually start kissing him back. Even though my body is in chaos and my mind is a mess. I just close my eyes and return the kiss as if it’s the most natural and obvious thing in the world. JR seems surprised by my response but he doesn’t pull away. Instead the kiss becomes deeper and he pulls me even closer. I clench his T-shirt and don’t want to ever be separated from him. But after a while JR ends the kiss and leans back a bit to look at my face. Both of us are out of breath and JR’s cheeks are red. I’m pretty sure mine are too because my face feels hot. But I’m happy. I’m so happy that I just can’t stop smiling.
Just like that, without knowing how or why, JR and I had our second kiss.