I struggle to stay awake in my last period class. Mr. Makster is talking about atoms and I'm honestly not even paying attention. The sleepless night is crowding my mind as I try to erase each moment. The blade, the blood, the thoughts. I pull my sleeves down and grab them with my fingers as I lay my head on my desk, allowing the coolness of it to help relax the thoughts. I turn my head glancing at the clock, 10 minutes to go. I don't allow myself to sleep, I can't now. I try to pay attention to what Mr. Makster is talking about while the last few minutes come to an end.
The bell rings and I gather my things as quickly as I can. I exit the classroom struggling to put my headphones in and blast music. Human by Christina Perri starts playing and I walk through the crowds of people hoping I won't start crying. I grab my bag and head to find my bus. I sit down 3 seats from the back, throw my bag down and pull my knees to my chest. I lean my head and wait till my stop comes.
The same routine I do, everyday. I get home, kick off my shoes and drag myself to my room. I close my door and fall against it, finally allowing myself to cry. Why me? Why can't I be like other girls what they look like or ho much they weigh? I sprawl myself across the floor grabbing my stomach and screaming out another cry. I lay like this for awhile, sobs becoming quieter as I push myself up to my feet. I walk over to my dresser wiping of the makeup I just cried off. Attempting to fix myself up before my younger sister gets home.
~I'm in my 12th year, a senior who has no plans for the future, who starts everyday crying, the rest of the day hating herself and ends the day crying. People may say I need help but I 'tried' to get help when I was in 9th grade, that was the year my mother stating realizing my habits. The day I fainted for the first time and was in the hospital for 2 weeks to get my levels back to normal.
I went to counselling and despised every second of it. Getting help means admitting there is something wrong with you and that's the hardest thing to do. I know inside my head isn't right. My brain shouldn't think the things it does. I can know that personally but having to open up to someone is the worst.
I do have one friend that knows everything. I mean everything. We became friends in 10th grade, over social media even though we've gone to school together since the first grade. Izzy is easy to talk to and sort-of understands what I'm going through. She's been battling depression and anxiety since the 8th grade. She tells me when I need her to text her or call me and I love her for that. I love having that support. But I just hate telling her the things I go through sometimes. Its like making her world a living hell when it should only be mine. I've lost so many people trying to open up. But Izzy hasn't left yet which gives me hope. The day I almost ended it all, couldn't take it anymore, was the same day Izzy messaged me. We both liked the same band, 5 Seconds of summer (which at the time no one know who they were) and we've been friends ever since. ~
I run down the stairs and sit on the couch, quickly turning on the TV. My sister, Alex walks through the seconds after. "Hi Alex, how was school?" I say to her as she throws her bag on the floor and opens the snack cabinet. "Pretty good, how was yours?" She replies "Good" I reply as she sits beside me with a bag of chips. I keep my eyes focused on the screen. after a few seconds I stand up and head to my room. I close the door quietly and let out a slow staggered breathe. I lay on my bed, putting my headphones back in my ears and blasting music. I grab my IPad and go on Tumblr, scrolling through my home page I soon find sleep.
Hello fellow readers! This chapter I wanted to make very informal. I have a lot planned for this story so I hope you all love it! This may have been boring and short for some. But I PROMISE better and longer chapters are to come! I just wanted to et this out ASAP! I've been planning this story for a pretty long time now hoping for it to be more successful compared to my others...I apologize for any grammer or speling mistakes and if you are interested in helping with that I would love that! Anyways this I\was really long but I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I hope to publish a new chapter everyday or at least every other.