I was singing Breathe Me by Sia when my mom came in my room, "you sing beautiful!" she clapped, "you're just saying that to be nice" I rolled my eyes, "no, I'm serious...I remember when you were a little girl you told me you wanted to become a singer" she said, "really?".
"positive", "I still do but, I don't know if I'm good enough" I said looking at my lap, "I'll give you time to think about it" she pats my back and walks out the door, "oh and dinner is almost ready" she adds before closing the door.
I wonder what's for dinner.
"um, mom what's for dinner tonight?" I ask trying to hide my Anxiety.
" spaghetti, you're favorite" she places a plate in front of me, "uhh...I'm not feeling well, maybe I should go to sleep" I give her a weak smile, "are you sure you're ok?, you've been saying that a lot now, maybe I should take you to the doctor".
"NO...I mean, no thanks, I'm fine, really" I think I'm about to have an Anxiety attack right now. My heart races so fast I can barely breathe.
"I still want you to eat and you're not leaving this table until you're done"
I look down at my plate.
'don't do it'! the thin voice yells.
I take the fork and dip it into the pile of spaghetti.
'you're so weak and fat!' the thin voice yells again.
'I cant believe you're actually going to do it!' it adds as I bring the fork to my mouth with my shaky hand.
I close my eyes and begin to chew slowly, cringing at each bite.
'you feel all that food going down your throat?, so many calories, all you're going to get is FAT FAT FAT, don't you remember all those words? FAT and WEAK is all you are, don't you want that thigh gap?, don't you want to be happy?, don't you want to be beautiful?' The thin voice tried to convince me.
"um, I-I'm not hungry anymore" I say in a shaky voice.
"I'm going to take a shower" I walk into the bathroom and strip down naked, I trace my collar bone and weigh myself,
129, the scale reads.
I fill up the tub and sink to the bottom of the water and all the memories come flooding back.
fat girls cant be beautiful.
fat girls are different.
I take my sleeping pills and lay in bed,
will I ever be beautiful?, I ask myself.
"mom, I made up my mind...I want to sing on the X factor" I smile, "really!?, that's great!...all we need to do is book a flight and an audition...now let me ask you, is this really what you want?, do you really want to do this your whole life?" I've been singing since I was a little girl since I didn't have any friends, and it made me happy, "yes" I say with a confident smile.
"I'll give you the whole day to think about it...just to make sure"
A few days later I made the decision to say yes, and I knew my life will change forever, and I am hoping in a good way.