Getting up this next morning, I had the same feeling of mixed emotions that I had yesterday, yet they were different. I couldn’t quite decide how I felt right now. I was a feeling more excited than I did yesterday which surprised me a bit. I didn’t think I would be as excited as I am.
I knew that that feeling was going to go away when I walked out of my room and into the kitchen where I knew my aunt and Ben were going to be. I really just didn’t want to see them today because it was just going to make me even more upset than I want to be today. But I have to see them, I knew I needed to.
When I was with them I just wanted to pretend that everything was just the way it has always been. I couldn’t describe how weird it felt knowing that today will be my last day with them. I wished they could just pack up everything and move to England with me. I was almost nervous to leave my room and head out to breakfast. I wasn’t sure what either of them would say to me or if any of us would even want to speak at all.
After I changed into the last shirt and pants that I had laid out on my dresser, I headed to my bathroom to get ready in there and bring all my toiletries I had in there back into my room so I could pack them in one of my suitcases, I would probably do that after breakfast. I needed to stop stalling my time left here and just go out into the kitchen.
I started thinking about how much fun the three of us had in the city yesterday as I was walking out of my room, but I kind of wished I didn’t think of that now, because I was now struggling to keep myself together. I didn’t really want them to see how upset I was right when I walked in there, I wanted to see how they were this morning first.
I headed into the kitchen and I saw my aunt sitting at the kitchen counter with Ben with a plate of mini muffins in front of them.
Already it was hard to pretend like today was just a regular day since my aunt never had muffins out for breakfast, she always made a breakfast from scratch, not the store bought crap like she had now.
My aunt and Ben both turned to look at me when I walked in and my aunt gave me a small smile as I cross the kitchen to sit down on the barstool next to Ben. I returned the small smile and then grabbed one of the store bought muffins that I didn’t want to eat but knew I had to because it was either that or get an early start with eating the airplane food since I would be hungry right when I stepped on instead of being able to avoid the food as long as I could.
While I was in the kitchen eating my breakfast, none of us were talking, but I wasn’t really expecting much of a conversation anyway. Right now it was kind of hard to start a conversation and act like nothing was wrong since by now we had to accept the fact that in just the next few hours I wasn’t going to be here anymore.
After breakfast was over, my aunt told me to make sure that I had everything I needed and that I had everything packed.
While I was walking around the house, making sure I didn’t leave anything lying around, it was hard not to think about the lastness of it all. The last time that I would be eating breakfast at the kitchen counter, the last time that I would be sleeping in the plain guest room.
Yesterday was the last time that I would stay up with Ben watching movies on TV. I would never be able to go back to the rink here, never have Gabrielle occasionally tease me every now and then for parking in the back of the parking lot, although I lost that a long time ago. No more hockey practice at the rink, wishing that Zack would just shut up or that coach would leave me alone. God, I was becoming nostalgic for that damn hockey team.
I was feeling sick thinking about all this when I should just be focused on leaving, not on what I’d be leaving. I found myself thinking that even when you want to leave, it is still hard. Even if you didn’t like the place you were, you still made memories here and met a few decent people along the way and that wasn’t easy to leave.
All while I was walking around the house I kept thinking I would never do this again, living here, and walking across the hard wood floor and beat up carpet. Finally it was too much, I couldn’t talk myself down from the feeling and it became unbearable.
As upsetting and paralyzing as these never again feelings were, the final leaving I would feel perfect, like I’m finally escaping all the things that were bringing me down, distracting me. I was pretty sure my now that I had walked every inch of the house, I wasn’t paying too close attention so I probably did it twice. Just as I thought though I hadn’t left anything, I was pretty good at keeping all my belongings in my room, the room that wasn’t going to be mine much longer.
I walked back into my room to make sure that every was completely packed and made sure I didn’t leave anything in my room because grabbing the handles of both of my suitcases and rolling them out into the living room. Before I only had one really full suitcase and the other was filled with extra stuff I needed, but now the one that wasn’t as full is full now because it was filled with a bunch of useless souvenirs that I felt obligated to buy yesterday. I’m sure I’d get a lecture from my mom about wasting my money on those tourist items that venders feed on for people like me to buy, but I didn’t care.
When I walked out to the living room, I saw my aunt and Ben sitting on the couch watching the early morning news. My aunt was watching it more than Ben was though.
“We’ll get headed out here in a few minutes,” my aunt told me, noticing that I had come in here without even looking up from the screen.
She probably heard the sound of the suitcase wheels rolling against the hard wood floor. I just nodded even though I knew she wasn’t paying attention, and then I sat down on the couch next to Ben. I had to refrain myself from thinking about how this was going to be the last time that I sat down on this couch next to Ben and watched this TV.
Once the end of the newscast was over, my aunt grabbed the remote and turned off the TV before getting up from the chair she was sitting in.
“Well,” she said, “Ready to go?”
Ben and I both got up from the couch without saying a word, and I went to grab my suitcases that I had placed in the corner of the room. I rolled the luggage outside and put both suitcases in the trunk of the car before getting into the car. I decided to sit in the back seat with Ben because no matter how much time I had spent with Ben yesterday, I still didn’t feel like it was enough. I still felt like I had only spent a few weeks with my little cousin instead of a few months.
On the drive to the airport, I was glancing out the window a bit, and I noticed that we were currently driving past Gabrielle’s neighborhood. I really didn’t get to say good to anyone outside of my two family members here, so I contemplated asking my aunt if she could stop and drive into Gabrielle’s neighborhood so I could say bye to her, but I wasn’t sure if I should.
It was too late now anyway because we had already long past her neighborhood, we were on a time limit right now and I doubted my aunt would want to have to drive back around just to go to Gabrielle’s house. Gabrielle probably didn’t even want to see me anyway; she made it pretty clear that she didn’t want to see me anymore when she broke up with me.
Did she even know that I was leaving? I never really had the chance to tell her, and I didn’t feel like bothering to call her, she probably wouldn’t have answered anyway. I had to keep convincing myself that it was a good thing that I didn’t ask my aunt to drive into Gabrielle’s neighborhood.
I would’ve made a fool of myself anyway, and I wanted to avoid any time delays that could stop me from getting to my gate when I needed to. I convinced myself that I didn’t need to say bye to anyone else here, I didn’t need to see any of them again. I leaned my head against the cold glass of the window and continued to look out it.
The silence of the car surrounding me almost comforting as I tried to cheer myself up by thinking of seeing my parents and my sister again and everything that I’ve missed from England. I never wanted to move here anyway, it was all my dad’s idea because he thought that I needed to me on a more advanced team even though I was completely happy where I was.
So I was actually a bit nervous about seeing him when I got home but besides that I was excited, happy, completely happy is what I kept telling myself.