I wanted nothing more than to hear those three little, yet huge, words.
I love you... how I had wanted to tell you that so many times, but fear had taken over me, yet again, and the fear of your rejection had always been a part of me.
I had wanted to tell you how much I had loved you... no, love. How much I love you, how much that love had destroyed what little I had built up.
You took it all away and somehow I still forgave you, even when I didn't know I loved you, I still forgave you for everything, for every hurtful word you said to me. I think it was because I said the same hurtful words to you. I'm not better than you, I'm worse. Because I keep saying goodbye and I expect you to be there and fight for me, but I know you won’t. I know you won’t stay here if I keep giving you shit and expect roses in return. So this is goodbye for the last time my love.
As much as I don't want to say it I have to say it. Because I have become numb and I won’t sacrifice your chance of happiness on me. We're still young and you have much to do, much to see and many to love. Because you are amazing and it would be selfish, even more selfish than I already am, of me to keep you to myself.
If I kept you to myself and you stayed with me I would break you. I would ruin you... I would drag you down with me and there would be nothing I could do to stop it.
So I'm not giving you a choice... not anymore. I've tried to leave you so many times and failed every time... because the thought hurt too much, I don't want to be here if you're not.
I was broken when you met me, I tried so hard not to be, to fix my soul and glue all the pieces together. But it was the same as with a broken glass. You could glue it all back together and act as it had never been broken, but you could still see the cracks and you would never be able to find all the little tiny pieces... so the glass would be flawed, it would not be able to hold water and therefor it would be useless...
That's how I feel sometimes; you already know this, because we have talked about it so many times. You never truly understood and I don't think you ever will, because you would have to experience it yourself. I wish that never happens to you.
I've had a fucked up life and I can't hold on to it anymore... I have to let it go...
I don't want to leave you... I really don't. But it’s for the best and that's a matter we have to agree to disagree on.
One time I said I couldn't love as much as a normal person... that was a fact. I had one rule;
- Don't let anyone too close.
Well there are no rules without exceptions. You are the exception, you are my exception. The only one I ever let truly in and you're the only one who's ever going to reach there.
You changed me, you thought me that love doesn't go without hardships but that's not a reason to give up, it's a reason to fight.
I love you, so very much.
You are my everything, my exception, my sun and stars.
So this is goodbye my love.