“You shouldn’t have worn all black,” Justin remarked, gaze not leaving the road ahead. I merely glanced up at him with a shrug.
“I don’t see anything wrong with it.”
“You’re celebrating your birthday, and you’re wearing that color.”
“It’s not like you’re not wearing black all the time,” I countered, looking out the window. I just heard him sigh, discarding the cigarette out the window. Yeah, he smoked again. I couldn’t even imagine how Reign would have reacted. He started days after she had left our apartment—about three days before my birthday.
“Reign wouldn’t like the fact that you’re smoking again.”
“She’s not the boss of me.”
“And you’re not the boss of her. She’ll rant about it.”
He chuckled. “When did I listen, really?”
I just shook my head and laughed softly, “Never. But I myself don’t want to lose you so soon.”
“Smoking wouldn’t kill you.”
“Yes, it would.”
“You’ll get cancer and die,” I shrugged, looking over at him as he shook his head with a laugh.
“Why don’t you just eat a lollipop instead of smoking?”
“A lollipop, really?” he asked, cocking a brow up and I just shrugged, banging my head loudly on the window, sighing heavily. I wasn’t really in the mood. I just wanted to go back to the apartment and pass out on my bed.
“So, what do you wanna do?”
“I don’t know.”
“Let’s just get my hair cut off,” I suggested, combing my fringe with my fingers. Justin seemed surprised, he lips parted and he let out a chuckle.
“No way…” he exclaimed in disbelief.
“You, getting a haircut? Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I am.” I nodded, not really getting his point. “Besides, Emily thinks I look too young with this hair.”
“Oh, so you’re cutting your precious hair for Emily?”
“No—I mean, kinda… She thinks it’s cute. I don’t wanna be cute.”
“What do you wanna be?” he asked, a grin still on his face.
“Hot and sexy.”
He laughed at that, making me join him and soon enough the car was filled with laughter. However, we were cut off by the annoying ring of Justin’s phone. We both cut our fit off, and I watched him, the smile on his face now slowly fading and so was mine. He wiped his eye, fetched his phone from his pocket and answered the call, driving with one hand.
“Hello?... You sure they don’t know?... I knew that… I know I should’ve… No… You shouldn’t really be calling me… Jason… Okay…Just keep me updated,” with that, he ended the call letting out a stressful sigh and reached out for his box of cigarette again, taking out one and placed it in between in his lips, lighting it up with the lighter—with one hand. We were laughing a while ago, and now there’s the silence.
“You just had one,” I remarked as he took a drag and blew off smoke, the smell instantly spreading inside the car, making me cough. He didn’t say anything after that, and I knew something was up. Something he wasn’t telling me.
He’s been a little distant these past days. I didn’t know why. But it’s definitely one reason why he’s smoking again. I knew him too well, smoking helps for him. I didn’t even understand why. I just watched him intently, his jaw was tensing every now and then—it seemed as though he was in deep thought. I sighed, and diverted my gaze ahead. I was so sick of it.
When he went in on me sulking in the bathroom this morning, it was actually the only time he had touched or talked to me since the past days. I couldn’t even have a conversation with him that lasts atleast five minutes. He couldn’t even look at me sometimes. He would be laughing and talking the first second, then the next, he would be zoning off. Then he would ignore me and wouldn’t talk for the rest of the day. It frustrated me, I needed him especially now. I was so down. I needed to be comforted and given attention by my brother. Otherwise, I’ll be feeling like a depressed puppy again… And it was my birthday. It was supposed to be my day, a happy one atleast—but it wasn’t. In fact, it was always the most disheartening day of our lives. The day I was born, had become my mother’s death day years ago.
As I expected, we didn't really celebrate. Well, it didn't feel like it. We ate at a fancy restaurant, got my haircut and went straight home after. He didn't even talk much but I mean, did I really expect something?
I didn’t know how to say it to Jason. I didn’t want to scare him, he’s already down and I couldn’t push him down further. Besides, it was mostly my fault. I was stupid for not finishing it. I should’ve known someone would find him. I should’ve known there was never an escape in the business. I was a part of it—and there was no going out. I was just stupid enough at the time. Now they would stop at nothing to get back at me. But I was prepared. Atleast I thought I was.
I wasn’t going to let anything happen. Besides, Josh was serving as my eyes inside the base. Everything will be fine.
“Talk to me,” Jason’s low voice snapped me out of my deep thinking. I looked over at him, as he stood in the distant, already in his sweatpants and a white tee and his now, short hair was tousled. He looked like his age now if I do say so myself—not like his previous haircut, he looked 3 years younger then.
“Why are you still up? It’s nearly 3 in the morning,” I told him, setting the beer bottle down the coffee table. I needed it. Reign’s words didn’t matter at the time. I needed release.
“I feel… sad,” he mumbled, looking down at his feet. This reminded me of how he used to be years ago, though it didn’t surprise me. He was always like that on his birthday. He hated that time of the year and gets depressed over it. I understood though—but it made me sad.
“C’mere,” I motioned for him to sit beside me on the couch whilst I reached for the bottle again and took a swig of the alcohol before placing it back down the table. I felt Jason sit soon after, no words escaping his mouth. I looked over at him, seeing the empty look on his face that made me frown. I rubbed his back as a sign of comfort. I wasn’t good at this, but I was the only one he had. I had to make him feel better. Eventhough I couldn’t even do it to myself.
“Why can’t we stop being miserable?” he whispered after a while and I had to stop what I was doing.
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been thinking… ever since my dad came to yours and mom’s life everything just went all wrong. He beat you up, hurt you even before I was in the picture. Then it even got worst when I did come. We were hated at school—or atleast I was… just because I was a loser and my dad was a horrible person. Then you were there to help me, you got into fights over me and everyone hated you too. We don’t only get the beatings at home, but also in school. We were miserable then—and we still are. Before, we would go home to see mom cooking in the kitchen, and her skin was never bruise-free. And so was ours. There wasn’t a day we didn’t cry and scream. There wasn’t a day the house was quiet, a day we weren’t scared. And when we finally escaped to live a new life, we ended up in the worst. You had to kill to keep us alive. I had to learn how to make bombs. There wasn’t a night you wouldn’t be in the bathroom throwing your guts up and cry—and I was crying too. We weren’t innocent anymore, we were as dirty as my father. We were even worse. Then you made a choice, we ran away again. Away from what we had once called life but until now, we hadn’t really find happiness in life. We’re still miserable. There would be times where we laugh, then the next we’re miserable again. I’m just so tired of it. Sometimes I just wonder what we did to deserve all this.”
He was sobbing now, and there was never a single time that Jason’s cries failed to break my heart. It made me feel that I failed making him feel less broken and unwanted—but he actually was. We were. And yes, it was hard to think why it was happening to us. We didn’t deserve it. No one did. But fate was just against us.
I didn’t know what to say, I wasn’t good at this. But he needed me. My brother needed me. I couldn’t say a word and it felt as though something was stuck in my throat and I couldn’t breathe, but it was then I knew I was going to cry too. I couldn’t stop it, there was just so many emotions I couldn’t hold in. But I found myself enveloping Jason in a hug, him forming a fist in my shirt as he bawled.
I paced the room quietly, trying desperately to put my mind at peace. I wanted to call Reign; she was good at calming me down. I just wondered why she wasn’t a therapist. But she was probably sleeping at the time. I didn’t want to disturb her just because I had problems.
My head was throbbing, my heart aching inside of my chest. I could still hear Jason’s whimpers in his sleep. It wasn’t helping. I should stop feeling like this. I was drinking, but I wasn’t getting drunk. I had been also smoking, but it was only temporary relief and now it was gone. I ran my fingers through my hair, tugging at the ends and feeling the need to scream.
I should probably be sleeping. But I wasn’t tired—and I couldn’t.
The sound of my phone ringing seemed to snap me out and I dove for it, immediately answering the incoming call.
“That was fast,” Josh chuckled at the other end.
“I wasn’t doing anything. I heard the first ring.”
“Weren’t you sleeping?”
“No. I wasn’t tired.”
“You don’t sound like it. Go to sleep. We’ll talk when you wake up. I’ll probably be coming over anyway.”
“No, this is more important. Tell me what’s up.”
He sighed. “For now, nothing. I just wanted to check if you were alright.”
“No, you’re not. Go to sleep.”
“Justin. Everything’s gon’ be fine. You’ll be there if something happens. And I’ll be there to help you.”
“I just… I don’t know… I’m scared.”
“I know… but it will be alright. You should rest.”
“Justin, do you think you’ll be able to do anything when you barely even have the strength? You need to calm down and give yourself a rest. Worry about yourself for once.”
I hang up, heaving out a stressful sigh before setting my phone on the bedside table and looked down at Jason, sleeping rather uncomfortably. I sighed and slipped next to him—it wouldn’t matter, I was his brother. I could sleep beside him. Besides, it was pretty troubling to leave him. I was feeling paranoia, and I could tell it wasn’t leaving anytime soon. He could be here for all I know.
It was atleast half an hour that I was laying there awake, and then I was out in a dreamless slumber.
A/N: Sup? lol.
I have a lot of homeworks rn and it sucks :/ but I'll be updating still ;) Thank u so much. U guys make me smile everytime. lol.
Anyways, did u like it? If you didn't, then fine xD not forcing u. haha.
Sorry for the mistakes, I haven't reread it :P
Lovelots :) <3