All night, I stare at the wall. Abnegation. Abnegation. Abnegation. That's all that goes through my head. The aching feeling that I, infact, do not have any Dauntless blood running through me. I could be Dauntless, Candor, Erudite, even Amity, for all I care. But it had to be Abnegation. I'm not who I thought I was.
I don't know who I am anymore.
Tears drip down my face, but I wipe them away. Only a brave man cries, yet crying is too selfish.
"Damn it!" I fiercely whisper, clenching my fist until my knuckles go white. I'm already thinking, acting, TALKING like a Stiff. I can't handle it. The burning pain in my stomach, longing for the symbol of the Dauntless to be associated with my name, is too much to handle.
But that would be rude and selfless. You shouldn't think like that. It's not very Abnegation of you.
A small voice in the back of my head taunts me. Trying to keep me on the path to Abnegation. Telling me what is selfless, and what is selfish. Like it thinks I'll choose Abnegation as my faction, over Dauntless.
It is what you plan to do, right? You are Abnegation. Not Dauntless. You are selfless, and the selfless thing to do is to choose the aptitude test results. That is where you belong, and that is where you are needed. I am a part of you, you are a part of me.
I want to scream. To hurt this voice inside my head, to get rid of it, to forget about the aptitude results. If I can not live a sane day for the rest of my life, it will be because of the results. So I must forget. I want to run and scream, and hide, but be brave about it.
Running is irrelevant. It will not hurt. What is best for you is to be an Abnegation. To go along with it. You belong im abnegation, Dylan. You are selfless, not selfish. I am only doing what's right. You are Abnegation, not Dauntless. Make the right choice.
Why me? Why choose to taunt me, of all people. Why am I Abnegation? I am brave. I am courageous. I know my way around a gun and knife. Yet... why do I feel that this annoying person in my head is right? No. I will not give up. Giving up is too... too... to un-Dauntless. But... I feel like I have to.
You have realized you are Abnegation. Nothing else, nothing but. You are selfless. Just... just forget about yourself, and then you will be there. Listen to me. I know. I am you, of course. The Abnegation inside you. I know what is important.
You will choose Abnegation.
"No!" I shout. I did not mean to shout. But now that I have, I have no worries. I will NOT choose Abnegation. Dauntless is, and always will be my home. I am not a stiff. I am brave. I am courageous. But... I am only brave when I do not think for myself. But... that does not make me Abnegation. Abnegation are selfless all the time. I am barely ever selfless. I never...
Think. You are always selfless. How do you think you have not been tainted by Dauntless arrogance. How you have nit been engulfed and destroyed by Dauntless stupidity? Because you are Abnegation. You are kind without acting, selfless without knowing. That is Abnegation. That is you.
But it isn't, is it? I'm not that perfect little selfless girl, who thinks for everyone but herself. I am even thinking of myself at this very moment!
You are not too far from arrogance, though. You long for it, yet you can not have it. And now, you are being selfless. You are sure that you have done too much, have been to Dauntless, that you would burden Abnegation. Yet they can live with all baggage, all scars. But Dauntless can not.
I blink away the tears that threaten to make an appearance. Why... why do I feel she is true? The Abnegation of me... Why is she so convincing? I know Abnegation is a part of me, it was told at the Aptitude test. But Dauntless is what I know.
I know Dauntless.
But I am not Erudite.
I am Abnegation.
You've finally excepted it. You are Abnegation, Dylan Swift. You always will be. Even if you go off to another faction, you will long for the life you could've had--But remember, that is very selfish. Very unwanted.
NO! I allow my mind to scream. Not in pain, not in fright, but in fury. I can't do this anymore. I can't argue with myself. I know what I must do. I know what I must choose.
My choice will make me stronger. It will help me.
I only hope it's the right choice.
Not the wrong one.