Nothing runs through my head. I am trying to think, but can't find myself doing so. The only thing that comes across is why? Why is this happening? Why now? After almost two years together, this is how it ends. Once apon a time, I thought we were perfect. We were bound to get married and live happily ever after. I thought he was the one to make me happy. He did. He was there for me day and night by my side as I waited for my father.
Niall was the perfect boyfriend. He would surprise me with small thoughtful gifts, and hug me when I was sad. He would kiss my cheeks and nose. We never fought either. We would agree on everything. We were perfect. Maybe that is it. Maybe. Are couples suppose to have flaws? Niall was my first and only boyfriend. Ever. We were friends since I can remember, literally. So I guess I don't fully understand the concept. What am I supposed to feel? I don't feel anything. So if heart broken is feeling, I am definitely not heart broken. I think I feel more lost than anything.
I walk over to my window, pushing the heavy light pink curtains to the side to see Niall pulling out of the driveway and drive off down the road. I lean my forehead against the cold glass and close my eyes. It's the end of October and it is becoming cold. I hear a light knock at my door. I open my lids and walk slowly to the door, turning the knob and opening the swinging door. I don't bother to look who it is before I walk back to the window and lean against it once again. My breath creates fog on the surface as I exhale. I look out at the old swing set in my back yard, watching the two swings move back and forth as the wind pushes them.
"There is a storm to form tonight" My mother tells me. I hear the sound of someone sitting on part of my bed. I don't want to look t whoever it is right now. I just want to be left alone to think. "You and Ni-" she tries to say, but I silence her. "Stop." I say, looking at the unruly long grass that surrounds the yard. I haven't gone out there in years. Well, maybe once to grab something, but not for pleasure. She sighs and gets up off the bed. I see her walk to the door out of the corner of my eye. She stops, turning to look at me. She shakes her head, then leaves. She shuts the door completely after turning the lights out.
I am left alone swamped in the darkness. The sun is setting, leaving less and less to see quickly. I try to look up at the stars, but only to see a few. Unlike Harry's place, my house is close to the city, and there is always some light shining. It makes the stars less visible at night.
I pad to the bathroom connected to my room. I turn on the lights and brush my teeth. I look weird. I mean, I look like myself, but with different eyes. My light blue-grey eyes are now fully grey. My hair looks the same and so does my skin. But my eyes look different. Not only the colour but something I can't point out. I leave my tooth brush next to the sink and get in bed. The covers are cool. I cuddle myself in and close my eyes, drifting off to the sound of thunder and lightening.
'Any one here?' I say aloud as I walk further into the forest. Red and black mushrooms linger the muddy floor, absorbing the water from the dark sky. Fox and wolves roam free in the rain, creating howls. I run through the trees trying to find him. Why can't I find him? Loud strikes burst above my head, flashing light soon comes after. It is my only light, aside from the moon.
'Where are you!' I yell up to the heavens. I hear the crunches of breaking branches around me. I climb over a fallen tree, ripping through my black jeans and into my skin. I reach one hand down to try to feel the impact. I can't tell if blood is running or if it is just the rain, but I can feel the spot throb. I can't stop now though. I need to find him. I need to continue. "Please! Stop hiding. I want to see you." I beg.
Another crunch. I feel gravity pulling me down. It is getting stronger. I fall to my knees, trying to keep high. I crawl through the waterlogged mud, not letting go. It pulls me, but I push.
Another flash. I see his outline. Another flash. He's closer. Another. He's in front of me. "Please. Let us go." I beg the man.
"Stay away from me!" The husky voice yells.
I push my hands up, standing and try to touch his skin. Another flash. He's gone.
"Brittany!" I am awoken by my mother's scream. I sit up immediately, sweat drowning my face and chest. "Are you alright?" She says, searching my face. I nod, and sigh. It's only a dream Brit. It's okay, I comfort myself. I breath in and out, trying to calm my fast beating heart down.
"Have some, please." She holds out a glass out of water. I accept, and drink it at once. I feel the cold tasteless water running down my throat and into my stomach. She rubs my back, seeming a bit disgusted as she looks at the sweat on my chest and over my face. "Thanks." I say, moving out from her touch and into the bathroom. I close the door and lock it shut. I look over to the small clock next to my makeup bag. It's 5:36 am. I don't want go back to sleep. I undress from my Tesco clothes and kick them away from the shower. I look at my face again before stepping in to the tiled human container. My eyes are still the weird grey color.
I turn the shower knob to full heat. The water washes over me, fully cleaning my skin from all tried blood left that I hadn't seen in Harry's car. I close my eyes and let the water run through my hair. I don't want to wash my hair. I only want to sick in the shower under the boiling hot liquid. It soothes me. Especially during my time of the month, if you know what I mean.
I write my name in cursive on the shower glass wall, through the formed steam. I sigh, the memory of Niall's brake up popping in my head. 'Set them free.' He said. I don't know what he means by that. I never felt captivated or closed off when I was with him. So what does he mean? I rub my eyes and step out of the shower. I grab a towel under the sink and wrap it around my body. I look back at the clock. It's 6:02 am. I unlock the bathroom door and walk through my room. My mother is no longer present. My phone vibrates on my pillow and I see Niall's name come up. I ignore the text for now and grab new clothes.
There's no one to impress so I put on my Canada Roots grey sweat pants and a plain purple hoodie. I don't feel like wearing a bra, so I don't. I take the towel and go back to the bathroom. I wash my face and throw my towel and clothes in the hamper. I blow dry my hair and pull it up into a high pony tail. I shut the lights of in the bathroom and go to check the text from Niall. I sit on my bed, cross legged and press the on button.
*Hey Brittany, I just want to tell you that I left the paper by the door.* It reads. What paper? I look up to the door, seeing a small white envelope inches away from the door.
*Thanks.* I reply, turning it back off and throwing it on the floor lightly, so that it won't break. I uncross my legs and pick up the piece of paper Niall must have been talking about. It is in the envelope I guess. I open it up and take the slip out, seeing the numbers £36,000 on it. It's a check. From my father to I. What the heck!? I read it over, what seems to be 100 times. What is this for? How could he afford this? Our family isn't rich. My mother works at a flower shop and my father was some kind of business guy. All the money went towards food or hospital bills.
I pinch my arm to see if this is all a dream. I don't wake up. I pinch harder, only to create a red splotch on my arm. I look in the envelope again and see another slip, not a check, but a hand written letter. I place the check on my pillow and read the letter.
I know my time is coming and so I want to write to you one last time. I know I haven't always been the best of fathers to you, but I do love you and always will with all my heart. I know you may think I am a complete idiot for doing this behind your back, but it's worth it. I give you £36,000 for your studies. Your mother already knows. The money is already under your name in the bank, so you will not have to worry. I do hope you are well. I know how strong you are and how amazing you are Brittany. I wish you and your brother the best of luck in life. Although I may not be with you in person, I want you to know I am in spirit. I will always be with you, in the easy and tough, no matter what.
Your dearest father, Andrew Allen
I wrap my fingers around the letter and fold it. I place both letter and check back into the envelope and hold it at my chest. I close my eyes and thank him. For everything he has done.
The sun is rising, creating a pink and orange shadow over my room. The storm had stopped before I had woken and now it only drizzles. My phone vibrates again, making an annoying buzzing sound. I pick it up off the carpet and see a text from an unknown number. I wonder who it is? I mean, I don't give away my number to anyone or anything.
*Hey Brit, I found a silver bracelet by the river. Is it yours?* The stranger says. Who is this person, and how do they know the river? I look down to my wrist. No bracelet. I quickly rummage through my room, looking for it. No luck. I run my fingers through my hair.
*Sorry, who is this?* I text, staring at the screen for a reply.
A fast reply. *Harry, who else?* Oh... Okay.
*Yeah, can you keep it until the party?*
*Sure. When will you and Blondie come?*
*He isn't. I'm coming alone... I will walk. What time should I come?*
*Alright.. Haha you said you're coming ;)* His immaturity makes me giggle as my mother knocks on the door, telling me breakfast is ready. I yell to tell her I'm on my way, partially lying. *Shut up Harry :P. What time?*
*Stop, just tell me! I'll be home all day, so just say a time. Please.*
*K* I shut my phone off and head down stairs for breakfast.
Bret is holding a small lime green plastic bowl filled with berries and cut up apples. He stands by my mom, eating his fruit and humming Radioactive. He loves fruits and vegetables, unlike most children. He loves Brussels sprouts and beans and cauliflower. The only vegetable he isn't 100% fond of is broccoli, which makes sense. It is discussing. "There's tea, if you want, Brit." My mother says, as she takes a bite out of her toast. I open the cupboard to grab a cup, only to see two of Harry's white mugs. I take them both and fill one up with tea. I guess I will just have to bring them on Friday. I pour milk into the tea and a spoon full of sugar, then sit down on the couch to watch some television.
I flip station after station, not finding anything to watch. We don't have many channels. Around 30 I think, but I only watch a few. I like BBC and Channel Four the best. I sigh and leave the couch with my two mugs in hand, one empty, the other full, to my room.
It's light out now so I don't bother turning my light on. I open my curtains to let the natural light over power my room with sun light then walk over to my desk to grab my light blue apple laptop I won at school for raising the most money for comic relief last year. I raised over £500. I transfer the computer to my bed and place the envelope along with my phone off my pillow and onto my bed side table, snuggling under my cover and putting up my knees to support my laptop.
I log on to Facebook to see 2 friend requests, 3 messages and 4 notifications. The numbers amuse me, 2,3,4. I press first on notifications. John posted on my wall, 3 people liked my profile photo, and two game requests from my little cousin. I don't bother looking at any of them and look at messages. John, Rebecca, Harry. Harry? I click on his message.
"Hey, I was wondering if you needed a ride to my place on Friday since you were going to walk?" I look at his profile to make sure it's the Harry Styles I know, well, sort of know. His profile is surely him. Harry is standing up against a brick wall, wearing all black, his tattoo showing. He's not exactly smiling, but more of a glare at the camera. I see a box of words under his cover photo that asks if I would like to accept his friend request or not. I press accept and reply to the message.
"Um, it's fine. I will walk. I want to walk." Sent. I notice the time under his message, telling me he sent it when he was here, last night.
I check the second friend request to see Olivia's name come up. Olivia Derosie. I had deleted her as a friend before sixth form, about two years ago. I quickly delete the request and log onto my iTunes account. I press shuffle and let the music fill my room. I don't want to do anything today. I just want to sleep and let all my worries float away. I push my laptop off my lap, and close my eyes, trying and succeeding into a deep slumber.
Dad? I ask my father who sits on the floating dock, swishing his feet into the cool lake water. He doesn't answer, but continues the circular motions, creating ripples.
My body won't move closer. I try to force my knees forward, only to be pushed further away.
The sun is shining. The sunlight creates crystal looking specks across the water's surface, blinding my sight. I have to squint to see. There are trees all around the lake. I turn my head to see Bret standing on the forest floor, his back to me. I turn from my father and run to him. My feet are light and I run as fast as I can. Bret run away. He gets further an further away. I stop and so does he. I try again, but he is faster. I turn away to look back at my father. No one. I am surrounded by trees. No dock, no lake, no father. I rotate to Bret. No one. No Bret. I am alone in the forest, I know nothing of.
Red and black mushrooms linger the muddy floor, absorbing the water from the dark sky. Fox and wolves roam free in the rain, creating howls.
I wake up. No sweat, only rays of lights shining on my face. I sit up, feeling my forehead. I guess sleep isn't much of an option. I pull the covers off to the side and jump out of bed. The window is open. I let it be and walk to the bath room, combing out my knotted hair and applying mascara.
The day is spent on my laptop and on my phone, playing use less games. I don't know if I have anything to do for school, so I leave it for once. I clean my room and take three showers. I draw and help Bret with puzzles and reading. The day isn't very productive.
I wake up the next morning by my mother yelling for help down the stairs. I quickly run to her aid. She is wearing her striped navy blue pajamas and pink slippers. "Can you go to the store to buy some more tea? And sugar?" She asks, flipping through a flyer with pictures of new homes inside. I nod, leaving her and getting dressed. I braid my hair to the side and pull my purse over my neck and onto one shoulder. I check inside, making sure my wallet and pounds are inside. I grab my phone and head to the small grocery store down our street.
The walk there and back is 30 minutes. I buy a big bag of white sugar and a 1000 pack box of tea. I put them on the counter when I return and go hide away in my room.
I place my purse on my white chair and take another shower. Today is October 31st, meaning Halloween. It is a holiday to dress up and get sweets. But I haven't been trick or treating since I was 12. This year is my first Halloween party, so I don't know what to expect.
I climb out of the shower and get dressed in all black. I will just be a cat. I mean, what do teenagers normally wear? I pull on tight black leggings and a black long sleeve V-neck. I use my water proof eye liner to draw 3 whiskers on either side of my nose, and one circle on the tip of my nose. I put a winged line over my eyes and leave the rest of my face be. I straighten my hair and pin the lose strands of my hair up, not to bother my eyes. I look very dark. I mean, I usually look more alive wearing brighter colors. I never wear just black.
I leave the bathroom and text Becca asking her to come with me to the party. I know I shouldn't invite people who aren't invited, but I don't want to be alone.
*sure, I'll meet you at your place at 3:30* She replies. I check the time to see it is already 3 pm. I grab everything I may need at a teenage party. Gum, phone, and a water bottle, just in case it is an alcohol party. I don't want to come home wasted. But then again, Harry will have water. I leave the water and head down the stairs to wait for Rebecca.