"Take care of yourself. I love you and I-" The monitors constant note silences him.
I let my head drop, banging it against the metal bed frame. I feel the warm red liquid slowly running down my forehead but I don't have the energy to wipe it off. I look up at my father's body. I can't help but scream. "Dad! No! Please wake up! Please I love you I-" I get up and throw my hands around his body. I lay my head on his chest. No beating. No movement. The tears run down my face, leaving my sight blurry and the hospital robe he has been wearing for days, wet. I slowly get off of him, eyes closed, and push my self back will all my force against the wall. A flower pot falls and glass invades the tiled floor. I open my eyes to see Niall standing on the other side of the room.
We lock eyes and my tears come to a stop. I breath in and out. In through my nose, out through my mouth. I never thought I could live with out my hero but now, here I am. He's gone and won't be coming back. Niall looks down confused. He bends his slim body over and picks up the scroll my father was holding. It must have rolled completely off the bed. His hands tremble as he holds it out to me. I look at him and he understands. I need him to keep it for now. He nods and unravels the page. It seems to have been cried on. Words are blurred from the wetness of a drop of tears.
During the beginning of first semester at school, in Drama, we had to close our eyes and imagine the one person you love the most. Then, we had to imagine that hour and a half class being the last 24 hours we had with each other, if they were dying, leaving on a vacation or leaving for good. Once I closed my eyes, I could picture my father, not as he is now, but as he was when he was cancer free.
I never thought the last 24 hours with him would be anything like this. Well, I never wanted it to be like this.
The blood on my forehead has reached the bridge of my nose and onto my upper lip, but has now stopped flowing. I can taste it. I reach up an grab the corner of the sheets and wipe it against my face, scrubbing the red stain on my face.
All my senses have magnified. I soak in the rough touch of the sheets against my now frozen skin. The smell of blood invading my nose and I notice everything around me. I notice a bird landing on its nest in a tree through the window, although It seems impossible to see for it is almost exactly behind my back. I notice a small cob web in the left corner of the room. I notice my father losing color by the second. I can feel the cool breeze of death grazing my arm, creating goose bumps that spread like a contagious disease across my body. I feel like I am invisible. I feel as if I am the only one left in a world of pain an agony.
I know I'm not alone but I feel it. I feel like I was tipped over and all my insides had been poured out. I'm hallow and confused.
He was my GPS and now, I'm lost. I have no path or directions. I am nothing. I drop to the glass covered floor. I don't care if I hurt myself. No physical pain will ever be as painful as emotional. In this moment, my heart tearing apart, my brain exploding and my stomach burning. I would rather die. I want to end it now. The pain. I don't think I will be able to handle this. I hate my life. I hate every one around. I feel like suddenly, everyone is against me. 7 Billion against one. I'm that one. I can't stand how I feel. I want to scream and ruin. I feel like punching a wall or smashing frames. Stupid memories which now only have caused more pain. The more attachment, the more pain.
I feel like taking the jump. Or drinking the bleach. I won't handle it. I can't handle it. I can't handle myself.
I bite my lip and try to hide my dark thoughts, shaking my head hoping it would help. It doesn't. When I look up, Niall is sitting on wooden chair, his elbows pressed against his thighs and his head supported by his hands.
I manage to get on my feet, straightening out my dress which is now wrinkled, torn from the glass and dirty from the dust on the floor. My legs have fallen asleep and once I start to move across the room, the limbs that support my weight feel as if they could give up on me at any given moment. Thank fully, they don't.
Once I reach the door, three doctors barge through it and I tell them it's no use anymore. 5 minutes ago, he was breathing but now, he is- he is gone. They press some buttons on the side of the bed and tell Niall and I we need to go. I go to my father's carcass, close my eyes an kiss his fore head one last time.
Ni gets out his phone and dials my mother, telling her the news. She is the one that is suppose to be here. She is the one to hold him on his death bed. She is the one responsible for him. Not me.
He looks at me with sympathetic eyes and I leave the doctors to do their job. I don't look back once more. Not even to say goodbye to my father.