I still don't know how this happened. Everything was so good. Everyone was so happy. Everything was okay. Now?
My body shakes as another round of tears come. I'm so sorry Skylar. I could've prevented all of this. I just want to crawl into a corner and cry. But I can't, I have school, I have a funeral to go to, I have to be here for Skylar, I need to appear okay to the boys and everyone else.
Cause I'm clearly not.
My head pounds from all the crying, my nose so stuffy I breathe out my mouth. I know I look like shit and I feel like it too. "Sky, please wake up. Please. I l-love you so much." I sob.
This is stupid. It's been almost a month since I've last heard her voice. Since I've last seen her beautiful green eyes. Eyes that had splashes of blue. Eyes I thought I'd have an eternity to look at. But I'm wrong, and I regret not looking into them longer as the memory of them slowly fades. I let go of her cold limp hand. I look up at her lifeless body.
The doctor say she's not dead but she looks it. All colour has drained from her face, she was always cold and limp. I didn't dare climb into that bed with her and hold her. It was just too real. Too scary. She looked dead. Her heart is slow and steady. The monitor beats a rhythm but it falters and stays silent which gets my heart beating but only to beep again. Drawing me from the darkest thoughts.
I want to cry. I want to just talk to her, and cry. But she won't reply tell me how I can fix this. If not try and make me feel better. With her hugs and lame jokes and her famous puns.
"I'm very pun-nny don't you think?"
I remember the pun she used. I wanted to scream at how bad it was but it made me laugh. I find myself laughing.
I laugh at myself for being so stupid at believing my life was going to be easy and perfect. Thinking having a best friend come out in high school was a good idea. Moving away from my parents was a great idea. Thinking it was a good idea to date a girl you found crying on the sidewalk.
I laugh at how terrible my life is. How terrible the world is. At just everything. I laugh at the fake smiles of the nurses and the doctors and the fake smiles and how much they 'care' about how I'm feeling right now.
I spy the scar on Skylar's arm. I should've slit my wrists too. Triple suicide. We all could've left together. Instead we're all separated. Carter dead, Skylar in a coma, me breathing but barely alive.
My laugh dies down as there's a pain in my chest at the thought of Carter's death.
He just hung from the fan. How could he think that was his only solution? Killing himself? Did he ever think about me? How I'd feel? I bet that's a big fat no. That was a problem Carter had. He was selfish. He always was. The boys and I got over it but it was terrible he'd never share anything. He wouldn't even share his Swedish Fish.
Skylar is selfish too. Killing herself too. No one thought about me. What about me?! ME?!
"Hey man." Cameron's voice catches my attention tearing up every thought I just had, bringing me back to reality. "Hey." I whisper, watching Skylar.
Why shouldn't I be selfish. Actually get some sleep? Go home? I basically live at the hospital. I stand up. "I'm going home. I need some sleep." I say, the boys looked confused and shocked I'm leaving her side. Boys it's time for me to be selfish.