The boys stare at me in shock and all I can do is stand there. I didn't know how to voice anything else so instead, when I hear the oven beep, I sprint towards it. I grab the pan out of the oven and it burns me when I touch a bare part causing me to drop it on instinct, swearing lowly. Tears prick in my eyes when I find the pizza on the floor, ruined. I run a hand through my hair, sighing shakily and stare at the angry red burn across my fingers and palm. "What happened?" Louis wonders and when they all find me staring at the burn across my hand, ruined pizza at my feet, they don't say a thing.
Niall is the first to react. He comes over to me, dodging the pizza on the floor and brings my hand over to the sink. He pulls up my long sleeve shirt slightly and I wince. "Don't do that!" I hiss and he stares at me with confusion before his eyes meet the deep cuts down my wrist.
I hurriedly pull my sleeve down and when I look over at Niall, I find worry swimming in his gaze. "I'm going to take Jamie to the bathroom. We need to find the first aid kit. Can someone clean up this pizza?" He asks before pulling me into the bathroom I wasn't even sure he knew how to find. "What the hell are these, Jamie Parker?" He asks, pulling up my sleeve to reveal fresh cuts.
"N-Nothing," I reply, looking down at the ground.
"I don't want you doing this to yourself." He whispers as he takes my hand and runs it under cool water.
"Yeah well you don't really have a say in what I do," I reply darkly, tears in my eyes.
"Can you just tell me why you did it?" Niall asks, blue eyes full of concern and wonder.
"When my mom called," I whisper. "she told me she isn't coming back. I could take that, Niall so I--"
"Have you done this before?" When I nod he asks again. "When did you start?"
"When I was fourteen," I mumble and his eyes are shocked. Four years I've been cutting and every time I tried to recover, I just ended up relapsing. "It-It doesn't matter, Niall. I'm fine," I tell him and plaster on a fake smile.
"Why'd you change into pants?" Niall asks and my eyes widen.
"I was cold," I lie and stare down at the bathroom tile.
"You cut your thighs, didn't you?" He guesses and tears start to swim down my face. "Where else?" He whispers and I shrug my shoulders. "Where else, Jamie." He asks again, voice hard and accent strong.
I lift up my shirt, exposing the words 'gone' and 'my fault' cut into my stomach along with dozens of other cuts I had made. "Don't tell the other boys. Especially H-Harry." I whimper. "Y-You probably think I'm a f-freak a-and I don't want them thinking t-that too,"
"I don't think you're a freak," Niall says as he pulls me into a hug. "I just don't want you doing this to yourself. Did you clean it all out?" He whispers.
I nod quickly. "Always do," I mumble and Niall nods, the two of us exiting the bathroom.
"You find it?" Harry asks when we come back into the kitchen to find it spotless, the pizza mess completely gone and mostly forgotten.
"No. We looked everywhere and it wasn't around," Niall shrugs.
"Alright, how about we go back to the hotel and order room service?" Harry suggests and the five of us nod. We head to the car and I curl my fingers over my sleeves to keep them from riding up, sitting in between Niall and Harry. Niall shoots me worried glances every couple minutes and Harry plays with my hair, completely oblivious to this problem which I don't want to be aware of and on the way there, I am curling my hands into tighter and tighter fists. "Are you okay, JamieLamie?" Harry asks, noticing my tense fists.
"F-Fine," I mumble and stare down at my wrists with tingled with pain. We get to the hotel quickly and I shuffle out of the car as quickly as I can and keep my eyes trained on my shoes.
"Are you sure you're okay, love?" Harry asks, coming to my side and shooting me a worried glance, just as Niall had.
"Peachy," I whisper. I felt bad for lying to Harry but I only wanted to protect him. We head into the hotel with the boys' heads tucked down so fans wouldn't recognize them. Once we get up to the room, we all settle on their beds, sitting crisscross. "S-So how was your guys' day?" I whisper and they smirk at my awkward way to start conversation.
"You're so awkward, Jamie," Louis says and knocks his elbow against mine, making my wrist bump against the dresser. I let out a quiet whimper of pain and I force a laugh.
"Sorry the pizza was such a bust," I say, trying to change the topic.
"That's alright. I wasn't really in the mood for pizza anyway," Niall says, sending me a small smile.
I look down at my hands, suddenly nervous and find my grey shirt soaked with blood. My eyes widen and I start to shake with fear as I shoot up from the bed. "I-I'll be right back," I mumble and sprint toward the bathroom. I shut the door, sitting on the toilet, breathing shakily and pull up my sleeve, finding my wrists bleeding heavily. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck," I mutter, tears steaming down my face.
I grab a wad of toilet paper and press it to my wrist, the white paper quickly turning a deep red. The bathroom door swings open and I hide my hands behind my back, hoping to hide it from the intruder. "Love, what're you doing?" Harry asks.
"N-Nothing," I whisper. I could feel my blood dripping down my wrists and I grimace. Harry's eyes flit down to the toilet paper I dropped and when he finds it painted with my blood, his eyes go wide. "Get out of here, Harry," I mumble.
"Jamie, let me see your wrists," Harry orders once he finds me hiding them behind my back.
"N-No." I murmur into the floor tiles. "Get out H-Harry," I fight him weakly.
"I just want to help you,"
"I-I know but no one can help me with this." I whimper.
"I can try. Just let me see," After a couple minutes, he finally coaxing me into showing him and when I do, his face pales.
"Th-This is why I didn't w-want you seeing. I knew you'd freak out." I mumble, getting up and running my wrists under cool water.
"Y-You seem like you know what you're doing,"
"Because I do," I snap, shutting off the water and heading back of more toilet paper. Once I had stopped bleeding, I roll my sleeve back down and mutter, "C-Can I burrow your h-hoodie? I don't w-want the other boys seeing."
Harry nods. "Of course," He shrugs it off and gives it to me before asking, "Do you cut anywhere else, Jamie?" I nod slowly, looking down at my hands which I hide in the sleeves of his hoodie. "Where?"
"M-My stomach a-and my thighs," My voice is barely a whisper and dizziness is starting to set in. "H-Harry, I don't feel well,"
"W-What do I do?" Harry mumbles.
I had never been in this situation before, never cut this deep. "G-Get N-Niall," I whimper before hearing Harry scream him name and everything goes black.
Harry's Point of View
"Niall!" My voice is hoarse and tears as slipping down my cheeks as I hold her, feeling her shallow breathing against my neck. "Niall Jesus Christ c-come h-here!"
He's there within seconds and when he sees her in my arms, he asks, "What happened?"
"S-She told me what she d-does. S-She blacked out a-and--" A sob leaves my lips and I'm barely able to breathe. "What do we do? N-Niall I--"
"Harry. Harry. You have to calm down,"
"I-I can't. I-I can't l-lose h-her, Ni. She makes me h-happy. S-She--" Another sob wracks my body and Niall takes Jamie from my grasp. I sob harder into my arms when he carries her out of the room.
"She's gonna be okay, Hazza," Louis tells me and wraps me up in his arms.
I sob into his chest, and once I pull apart, I begin to hyperventilate. "W-W-What i-if s-s-she--"
"Harry. Harry. Calm down. Breathe." Louis begs.
"Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck," I whimper and Louis looks at me sympathetically. "She's-She's n-not going t-to be o-okay. I-I must've done s-something w-w-wrong,"
"You didn't do anything wrong, mate. You treat her like a princess. It's just got to be thinks going on with her mom," I nod slowly, trying to force air into my lungs and after a moment, Louis says, "C'mon, lets go and see her," I nod slowly and follow him out of the bathroom, trying not to look back at the blood staining the bathroom tiles. My chest constricts when I find her laying on one of the beds with gauze around her wrists, face completely pale. My breathing comes in short pants again and Louis guides me over to a chair as black dots begin to dance across my vision. "S-Sh-She--" I whimper, running a hand through my curls, tears pooling from my eyes. "W-W-What i-if--" I break into sobs again and Louis and Liam turn to my side.
"Harry, calm down, lad," Niall begs from Jamie's side.
"I-I c-c-cant," I stammer, wiping away my tears which kept reappearing. "I-I can't l-lose h-h-her,"
"You're not going to lose her," Zayn snaps. "Stop being ridiculous,"
I sob harder into my hands and Liam rests a hand on my back with Louis sends Zayn a glare. "What the hell, mate?" The room blankets with silence, the only sound being the one of Jamie's breathing and I come to her side before breaking down completely.
Sorry this chapter was so dark. I was in a bad mindset while writing it. I suppose I'm better now. I'm going to let you guys in on a secret because I've been thinking about this all day so yes. Um, I wrote this chapter specifically like this because I felt like relapsing. I'm currently 70 days clean and I want it to stay that way. Earlier today, I didn't. I wanted to cut down my arm from wrist to elbow but now I've realized something. I realized that I can't leave my family. I was thinking about my sister. What would she do if she lost me? I sure as hell would be a wreck without her so I couldn't put her through that. What would she do if I cut too deep and she lost me? I know if the roles were reversed, I'd be a wreck so I can't put her through that. So I'm deciding never to cut again because I want to be here for my sister for as long as I can. I'm not going to leave her a day early because I know she needs me and I can't do that to her. So I'm making a promise to myself to stay clean and never pick up my razor again.
If any of you need someone to talk to, don't be afraid to come to me because I try to be as nice as possible and I love talking to you guys. Don't suffer in silence, okay? Talk to me and I'll be here for you the best I can.