When I awaken the next morning, the room is empty. I am filled with confusion as I look around, stupidly looking under pillows as I call for the boys. When I find a note sitting on the breakfast island, I pick it up with interest. Harry's handwriting fills my vision and I read it, getting a quick overview of the whole thing. The boys had another shoot and had to leave but didn't want to wake me. Does this mean I stay here until they get back or would I go to see my dad?
I look down at my clothes; it was Harry's and was wrinkled from being slept in. I crinkle my nose and grab my keys, heading to my car. The boys are getting tired of seeing you anyway. My mind screams, making me wince once I get into my car. I drive back to the house and unlock the door, stepping inside, the stale air hitting me like a slap in the face. "Dad?" I call and when I don't get an answer, I look up at the clock, realizing he must've been at work by now. I sigh, settling back into my room and taking out my laptop. My mind had been buzzing with new ideas ever since I posted the last chapter and I now had time to post a new one.
As I scroll through the latest comments, my heart sinks. There were dozens of hate comments scattered across my wall and throughout my stories but the ones about the boys hating me were the ones that hit home and hurt most. I throw my laptop to the side, resting my head in my hands while tears slip down my face. I head to the bathroom, standing in front of the mirror, watching as my eyes grow red and puffy. I find my father's shaving razor at my side, something he must've forgotten to put away and my breathing is shallow as I hold it in my hands. Within seconds, I break it open and am holding one of the blades in my hand. I bring it across my wrist, the hot pain making me forget about the hurtful words of others.
I watch my blood swirl down the sink in harsh drips and I apply pressure to the cuts with paper towel. Once they had stopped bleeding, I slip a hoodie on to hide them and lay in bed, sobbing. I knew I could call Harry, ask him to come over but I didn't want to bother him. Plus, his boss Jodie was already angry with me so that was out of the option. Then, it finally hits me. Without the boys, I had no one.
This only makes me sob harder and curl into a tight ball, crying for hours until I hear a knock on the door. I wipe my nose and eyes before getting up and answering it, only to find all five of the boys standing on the doorstep. "Oh, h-hey, guys," I whisper, looking down at my shoes.
Harry tilts my chin up to look at him, worry swimming in his eyes and he asks, "What's wrong, babe?" Any other time, the thought of Harry calling me babe would've made my heart sing but currently it was breaking and was almost impossible.
"N-Nothing," I mumble, pulling away from him. "D-Do you guys want to c-come inside?" I ask, wiping my eyes again and they all nod, looking confused. I lead them into the living room and sit down, curling my knees to my chest and staring at my hands. Guilt leaks into my system with the thought of what Harry would think if he found out I had relapsed. "So h-how was your shoot?" I ask.
"We got a lot done, actually," Zayn comments and I nod, forcing a smile.
The boys were all giving me questioning looks and I could no longer stand it, mumbling, "I'm going to make some tea," under my breath before scurrying off to the kitchen. I sit in front of the kitchen sink, trying to take deep breaths and calm myself down, eyes shut tightly before I hear footsteps coming my way. My eyes snap open and when I find Louis standing in the kitchen entry, I force a smile. "Oh hey," I whisper.
I open the cabinet and reach to grab the box of tea only to have my sleeve fall down to reveal fresh cuts. My eyes widen and I hurriedly pull it down but when I look back at Louis, I knew he had already seen them. "Jamie, what are those?" His voice is low, as if his word were deceiving him and I shake my head, dropping the box on the counter.
"I think you know exactly what they are," I mumble, sighing. I struggle to open the box, fingers trembling, making it impossible and I groan with frustration, slamming it down and running my hands through my hair. "Damn it," I curse, tears in my eyes. I slide down on the tile floor and silently sob into my hands. When Louis comes to my side, a small sad smile on his thin lips, I say, "P-Please don't t-tell H-H-Harry. H-He's already s-s-s-so ups-set,"
Louis nods, pulling me in for a hug before asking, "What made you do it? Why didn't you call us instead?"
"It was just hate comments on my stories. I-I brushed off the ones just about my writing but the ones that said things like you guys will never love me a-a-and--" I sobbing into Louis' shirt now and he pulls me closer, my sobs stifled in his sweater.
"But we do love you, Jamie, we do," Louis promises, rubbing circles into my back. "Promise me you won't do that again," He whispers.
"I c-can't p-promise you th-that," I whimper.
"What's taking so long in here? I found a footsie came on TV and Harry wanted so show you how it's--" Niall starts and when he sees the two of us on the floor, myself craddled into Louis' arms, not allowing Louis to get a word in. His eyebrows furrow at the sight. "What's going on?" He asks when he sees my tearstained cheeks.
Louis looks at me with wonder and before I can shake my head, he's pulling up Harry's hoodie sleeve, showing my injured wrist to the blonde haired boy. "Louis," I snap, sending him a glare and when I look at Niall, I find his face pale. "Ni, don't worry about it, I'll be okay," I mumble, getting up from the floor and heading past the two boys. "I decided to skip out on the tea. Couldn't get the damn box open," I say with a laugh once I had collected myself outside the living room hall.
"Nialler found a footsie came and i'm going to show you how it's placed," Harry smiles and I shake my head.
"Why can't you just show me outside? Nobody'd be able to look in because of my fence and I have a soccer ball and goal back from the years my dad thought I'd actually want to join a sport with actually physical activity," I say and Harry laughs, getting up from the couch and waiting for me to do the same.
All six of us head outside after I grab the soccerball from my room and Niall says, "Okay, it'll be three on three. Me, Harry and Jamie versus Zayn, Louis and Liam, sound fair?" He asks and everyone nods. Niall and Zayn start off, kicking the ball around as the rest of us try to figure out what to do. Niall finds control and kicks the ball my way and I sprint with it between my legs, heading for the goal. Out of the corner of my eye, I find Zayn and Harry at my sides. Zayn was closing in on me, about to get the ball and I try to run faster, my short legs not allowing it. Harry quickly blocks Zayn and I thrust the ball into the goal with the side of my shoe, hearing it swish against the net.
"Oh my god," I say once I realize what I had done. "I just-- I just got us a goal," I continue with budding excitement.
"Yeah yeah yeah, someone grab the ball and lets start again," Zayn mumbles and I send him a smirk as I go into the goal and grab it, setting it back in the middle of the yard. I stare at it as Liam takes the spot on the other side of the round object. Louis gives us the go and I instantly kick the ball to Niall. He then passes it to Harry and the three of us work as I vicious team. Eventually, Louis gets ahold of the ball, kicking it into the net and we're tied.
"You go babe," I tell him, kissing him on the cheek. He nods, looking nervous as Zayn steps up against the ball as well. Everything passes in a blur for the next too points passing by quickly before the two of us were tied again, two to two. This last game would determine who won in the longrun and all of us were feeling the crushing stress. Niall steps up against Louis and once I give the go, he passes it to Harry. I am barely paying attention now, gaze stuck on Harry as he sprints across the field. His muscles tensed as he ran, curls flying in his face but it doesn't seem to break his concentration. Soon enough, I see him kick the ball into the net and I feel a sense of victory.
"We won!" Niall exclaims and Harry comes over to me, swinging me around in his arms.
"We did it, JamieLamie," He tells when I see the victorious look painting his face. I nod and he sets me down after a minute. I send kisses down his neck and when I offer them all something to drink, they all agree. We head into the house and I insatantly go to the cabinets, grabbing cups and filling them with ice water. I pass the drinks down to all of them, settling down in a kitchen chair and Harry pats his lap as he sits at my side. I smirk, scooting over and kissing him lightly. "You're so beautiful," He tells me and I blush. "It's true," He continues and I only shake my head, blushing slightly.
I felt bad for keeping my relapsing secret from Harry but I knew I had no other choice. If I told him, he would be crushed, felt like it was his fault for not being there and that was the last thing I wanted. When I hear Harry calling my name, I am pulled back into reality. "Hm?" I mumble.
"I asked you if you wanted to go back to our hotel. The boys are pretty beat,"
"Oh, yeah, sure," I say, pulling my hoodie sleeves over my hands. I follow the five boys back to their car and Liam drives us back to the hotel. Once we get there, one by one the boys take showers and I lay on one of the beds, flipping through TV shows while it's Harry's turn, knees curled to my chest. "I don't wanna talk about it, Louis," I tell him once he sits down next to me and offers me a soft smile.
"Yeah, I know you don't be we kind of need to talk about it," He whispers.
"We don't need to do anything," I mumble, looking down at my hands. My wrists still burned from old and new cuts and I sigh, resting my head in my hands, not wanting to meet Louis's blue eyed gaze. "I don't-- I don't want to talk about it, Louis,"
"Talk about what?" Harry asks, running a towel through his hair to rid the water droplets.
I get up from the bed, walking toward him and sending kisses down his jawline. "Nothing babe." I whisper and lead him back to the bed to cuddle into his chest.
Hello my lovelies. I hope you liked it. Please continue to comment bc I really appreciate your support.