Dance in the fire is a fanfic about To Be One, A boy band who was originally a dance crew on ABDC, and WWE wrestlers.
I only got half way through the second chapter, and I have found many things that you need to work on.
The first chapter is nothing but the characters Bio's. I honestly don't care what kind of music they are interested in, and I don't think you're readers are either. What you did in the 1st chapter needs to take place throughout the story, in what is called, "Character Building." Slowly introduce facts about them. Let the reader figure out the relationships of the characters on their own. And don't use pictures, of the people. Describe them in the story.
Ex. "I let my long black hair fall into my face, using it to shield my dark eyes from the outside world."
You had some issues with tense. I couldn't figure out if it was present or past. You would switch, sometimes in the same sentence.
Something that you really need to work on is organization. I had trouble figuring out who was saying what. You are better than alot of people by not having one enormous paragraph, but you do have several people speaking in the same one, and no real transition from speaker to speaker. You need to start a new paragraph each time someone speaks.
Proof read! I saw many misspelled words, or words used incorrectly. You should go through and read what you have written at least twice before posting it to try and catch these things. I sometimes have my sister or mother help me with mine on a regular bases.
I do give you props for creativity though. I think that this is the first WWE fanfic that I have found. So good job. I do think that you have potential to be a great writer, but pay more attention to the little things like grammar.
Please, No Hate, I am trying to help you by telling you the truth.
Punctuation/ Grammar: 4.5