Episode 8 Out of Gas
Mal: You are very much lacking in imagination.
Zoë: I imagine that's so, sir.
Mal: Try to see past what she is, on to what she can be.
Zoë: What's that, sir?
Mal: Freedom, is what.
Zoë: [pointing] No, I meant — what's that?
Mal: Oh. Just step around it. I think something must've been living in here.
Zoë: Get her running again?
Zoë: So not running now?
Mal: Not so much. But she will.
River: [about Simon's birthday] "Day" is a vestigial mode of time measurement based on solar cycles. It's not applicable. I didn't get you anything.
Bester: No can do, Cap. Secondary grav boot's shot.
Kaylee: No it ain't. [getting dressed] Ain't nothing wrong with your Grav boot. Grav boot's just fine. [turns around and waves] Hello!
Bester: [to Mal] She doesn't... and that's not what it... [to Kaylee:] No it ain't!
Kaylee: Sure it is. Grav boot ain't your trouble. I seen the trouble plain as day when I was down there on my back before. Your right Couple's bad.
Mal: I need that in Captain Dummy Talk.
Simon: Suffocation's not exactly the most dignified way to go. The human body will involuntarily --
Inara: [interrupting him] Please, I don't really require a clinical description right now.
Simon: I'm sorry. I just... It was my birthday.
Wash: I guess the news that we're all gonna be purple and bloated and fetal in a few hours has made me little snippy.
Wash: Right. Because teenage pranks are fun when you're about to die.
Mal: I'm not leaving Serenity.
Inara: Mal — you don't have to die alone.
Mal: Everybody dies alone.
Mal: Well. Looks can be deceiving.
Jayne: Not as deceiving as a low down dirty... deceiver.
Mal: Well said. Wasn't that well said, Zoë?
Zoë: Had a kind poetry to it, sir.
Jayne: You want I should shoot 'em now, Marco?
Marco: Wait until they tell us where they put the stuff.
Jayne: That's a good idea. A good idea. Tell us where the stuff's at so I can shoot ya.
Mal: Point of interest? Offering to shoot us, don't work so well as an incentive as you might imagine.
Episode 9 Ariel
Simon: Could you not do that while we're... ever?
River: (after slashing Jayne with a kitchen knife) He looks better in red.
Mal: The patients were cynical and not responding and we couldn't bring them back.
Mal: Pupils were fixed and dilapidated —
Jayne: If I had wanted schooling, I'da gone to school.
Simon: For this to work, River and I will have to be dead.
Jayne: Huh. I'm starting to like this plan.
Mal: Look, you got a little stabbed the other day. That's bound to make anyone a mite ornery.
Jayne: (reffering to a currently comatose Simon) Maybe I'll give him a tattoo while he's out.
River: Your toes are in the sand.
Zoë: Can we fly somewhere with a beach?
Wash: Maybe a naked beach?
Zoë: Sorry, sir. Didn't mean to enjoy the moment.
River: They took Christmas away. Came downstairs for the shiny presents, They took the tree, the stockings... nothing left but coal.
Jayne: (to Simon) would you shut her up?
River: (smiling at Jayne) Don't look in the closet, either! It's greedy, it's not in the spirit of the holiday.
Mal: Just once I'd like things to go according to the gorram plan.
River: Two by two. Hands of blue. Two by two. Hands of blue.
Mal: Job is done. Figured it was time for a little chat. Seems to me we had a solid plan. "Smooth", you might say. But what I cant figure out is what you were doing around the back exit... you called the Feds.
Jayne: What?! I got pinched!
Mal: Which is what happens when you call the Feds.
Jayne: No! I would never do that! My hand to God! May he strike me down as I'm standing here!
Mal: Well, you won't be standing there long. The minute we break atmo, you'll be a lot thinner once you get sucked out that hole.
Jayne:Aw, come on, Mal! That ain't no way for a man to die. You wanna kill me, shoot me! Just let me in!
Mal: You know, I hear tell they used to keelhaul traitors back in the day. I don't have a keel to haul you on, so...
Jayne: O-Okay! I'm sorry, all right?
Mal: Sorry for what, Jayne? I thought you'd never do such a thing.
Jayne: The money was too good. I got stupid. I'm sorry, okay? Be reasonable. What are you taking it so personal for? It ain't like I ratted you out to the Feds.
Mal: Oh, but you did! You turn on any of my crew, you turn on me! But since that's a concept you can't seem to wrap your head around, then you got no place here. You did it to me, Jayne, and that's a fact.
Jayne: What are you going to tell the others?
Mal: About what?
Jayne: About why I'm dead?
Mal: I hadn't thought about it
Jayne: Make something up. Don't tell 'em what I did.
(Mal shuts the door.)
Mal: The next time you stab me in the back, have the guts to do it to my face.
River: Time to go to sleep.
Simon: No, mei-mei... it's time to wake up.
Episode 10 War Stories
Book: Yes, I'd forgotten you're moonlighting as a criminal mastermind now. Got your next heist planned?
Simon: No. But I'm thinking about growing a big black mustache. I'm a traditionalist.
Mal: Ah, the pitter-patter of tiny feet, in huge combat boots. SHUT UP!
[Kaylee triumphantly holds up the apple she wrested from a playful River.]
Kaylee: No power in the 'verse can stop me.
[Zoë is telling the crew about a close trench conflict with the Alliance during the war.]
Zoë: We mentioned that we were out of rations, and 10 minutes later, a bunch of apples rained into the trench.
Wash: And they grew into a big tree, and they all climbed up the tree into a magical land with unicorns and a harp.
Wash: But these apples are healthsome, good.
Jayne: Grenades cost extra.
Zoë: Is there any way I'm gonna get out of this with honor and dignity?
Wash: You're pretty much down to ritual suicide, lambie-toes.
Wash: I am a large, semi-muscular man. I can take it.
[Simon asks River how she's doing.]
River: [smiles] Played with Kaylee. The sun came out, and… I walked on my feet, and… heard with my ears. [more raggedly] I ate the bits. The bits did stay down. And I work. I… function like I'm a girl. [sobbing] I hate it because I know it'll go away. The sun goes dark, and chaos is come again. It's fluids! What am I?!
Simon: You are my beautiful sister.
River: I-I threw up on your bed.
Simon: Yep. Definitely my sister.
[Jayne spots Inara with her female client.] I'll be in my bunk.
Wash: I can't stand the thought of something happening that might cause you two to come back with another thrilling tale of bonding and adventure.
Wash: Hey, I've been in a firefight before! Well, I was in a fire. Actually, I was fired from a fry-cook opportunity.
Wash: Now I'm learning about scary.
Wash: I don't want you to spare me, Mal. If you think you know what's happening, then you tell me. You wouldn't spare Zoë if she were in this situation with you, would you? You would be planning, and plotting and... possibly scheming. So whatever Zoë would do in this instance is what I wanna do. Do you know why? No matter how ugly it gets, you two always come back with the stories. So... I'm Zoë. Now, what do I do?
Mal: Probably not talk quite so much.
Wash: Terse? I can be terse. Once in flight school, I was laconic.
Wash: I mean, I'm the one she swore to love, honor and obey.
Mal: Listen... She swore to obey?
Wash: No, but that's the point! You she obeys! She obeys you! There's obeying going on right under my nose!
Jayne: Could be he's harboring some resentment at us for putting his man through our engine.
Niska: I think this is not enough [money]... not enough for two, but sufficient perhaps for one? Ahhh, you now have...
Zoë: Him. (points to Wash)
Zoë: ...I'm sorry, you were going to ask me to choose, right? Do you want to finish?
Niska: This money, it is too much. You should have some small refund.
Zoë: He'll make it last. For days, if he can.
Wash: Bastard's not gonna get days.
Zoë: We're gettin' him back.
Niska: Do you know the writings of Shan Yu?
Mal: We're starting a book club?
Zoë: Oh, yes. Thank you, dear.
Zoë: Preacher, don't the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing?
Book: Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps.
Niska: You died, Mr. Reynolds.
Mal: Seemed like the thing to do.
Jayne: Smellin' a lot of "if" comin' off this plan.
Zoë: Okay, people... If it moves, shoot it.
Kaylee: Unless it's the Captain!
Zoë: Unless it's the Captain.
[After River, facing away from her targets, shoots all three men with three shots, she turns to Kaylee.]
River: No power in the verse can stop me.
Mal: Haven't you killed me enough for one day?
[The rescue team comes upon Mal struggling with his torturer; Zoë stops the others from interfering]
Zoë: This is something the Captain has to do for himself.
Mal: No! No, it's not!
[Zoë, Jayne and Wash shoot the torturer.]
Wash: Mmm. Wife soup. I must have done good.
[Mal tells Zoë about his and Wash's in-torture discussion about getting past Zoë's supposed unrequited passion for the Captain.]
Mal: I know it's a difficult mission, but you and I... have to get it on.
Zoë: I understand. We have no choice.
Zoë: [deadpan] Take me, sir. Take me hard.
Jayne: Now something about that is just downright unsettlin'.
[As Zoë and Mal awkwardly move to kiss, Wash gets up and drags Zoë off.]
Wash: We'll be in our bunk.
Jayne: [slapping Mal on his recently injured chest].... Hey! Free soup!
Episode 11 Trash
Monty: Damn you, Bridgette! Damn you to Hades! You broke my heart in a million pieces! You made me love you, and then you... I shaved off my BEARD for you, devil-woman!
Wash: I'm confused.
Saffron: You're asking yourself: "if I've got the security codes, why don't I go in and grab it for myself?".
Wash: No, actually, I was wondering... What's she doing on the ship?! Didn't she try to kill us?!
Saffron: Please, nobody died last time.
Wash: We're in space, how'd she get here?
Mal: She hitched.
Wash: I don't recall pulling over!
Mal: Point is, this ain't no wobbly-headed doll caper. This here's history.
Jayne: Okay, I've got a question. If she's got the security codes, why don't she just walk in and grab it herself?
Saffron:(Sarcastic) Good point.
Saffron: He's my husband.
Mal: Well, who in the damn galaxy ain't?!
River: Also, I can kill you with my brain.
Episode 12 The Message
Tracey: When you can't run anymore, you crawl... and when you can't do that --
Zoë: You find someone to carry you.
Simon: Yup, it's a cow fetus.
Kaylee: I guess so. It does seem to have an awful lot of limbs.
Simon: It's mutated.
Kaylee: But cow? How do you figure?
Simon: It's upside down.
Kaylee [turning head to view]: Oh yeah. Cow.
Wash: Oh my god, it's grotesque! Oh, and there's something in a jar.
Zoë: Scared her away again, did you?
Simon: This may come as a shock, but I'm actually not very good at talking to girls.
Zoë: Why, is there someone you are good at talking to?
Wash: [to jar with cow fetus, mock-serious] Do not fear me. Ours is a peaceful race, and we must live in harmony...
River: [trying to eat an 'Ice Planet' frozen treat] My food is problematic.
Jayne: Girl's a mind-readin' genius, can't even figure out how to eat an Ice Planet.
Jayne: I got post?
Book: Might we all want to step a few paces back before he opens that?
Jayne: Ha ha. It's from my mother.
Inara: So, do aliens live among us?
Kaylee: Yeah. One of them's a doctor.
Jayne: [wearing ugly homemade hat] How's it sit? Pretty cunning, don't you think?
Kaylee: I think it's the sweetest hat ever.
Wash: A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything.
Jayne: Damn straight.
Jayne: What'd y'all order a dead guy for?
Tracey: Thanks. Didn't know you were out there.
Zoë: That's sort of the point. Stealth, you may have heard of it.
Tracey: I don't think they covered that in basic.
Zoë: Well, at least they covered 'Dropping your weapon so you can eat beans and get yourself shot'.
Tracey: Yeah, I got a badge in that. [seriously] Won't happen again.
Zoë: It does, I'm just gonna watch.
Mal: Oh! That was bracing. They don't like it when you shoot at them. I worked that out myself.
Mal: Vitelli's out of it. That bumblebee laid down arms at the first sign of inevitable crushing defeat, can you imagine such a cowardly creature?
Jayne: We're taking him on board?
Mal: We are.
Jayne: Don't know if I see the percentage in that.
Mal: Don't strain your brain trying. You might break something.
Tracey: [recorded message] Uh, okay. Uh, recording. Hi, I guess. This is a message for Zoë, and for Malcolm Reynolds. And I really hope you all are the ones listening to it. I'll spare you the boring details. I've fallen in with untrustworthy folk. Makin' a bunch of bad calls. All that matters is I expect to be shuffled off. And you two are the only people I trust to get me where I'm going, which is home. I'd like my body to be with my folks on St. Albans. We got the family plot there, and my Mom and Dad, well, they deserve to know I died. You know, it's funny. We went to the war never lookin' to come back, but it's the real world I couldn't survive. You two carried me through that war. Now I need you to carry me just a little bit further, if you can. Tell my folks I wanted to do right by them and that I'm at peace, and all. When you can't run anymore, you crawl, and when you can't do that, well—Yeah, you know the rest. Thanks, both of you. Oh, yeah, and make sure my eyes is closed, will ya?
[gathered around the table, laughing]
Mal: I thought I was gonna die.
Inara: How could he possibly--
Mal: Oh, the colonel was dead drunk. Three hours pissin' on about the enlisted men, 'they're scum, they're not fighters', and then he passed right out. Boom.
Zoë: We couldn't even move him. So Tracey just snipped it right off his face.
Mal: And you've never seen a man more proud of his moustache than Colonel Obrin. I mean, in all my life I will never love a woman the way this officer loved that lip ferret.
Zoë: Big walrus-y thing—all waxed up!
Inara: Did he find out?
Mal: Oh! Next mornin', he wakes up, it's gone and he is furious! But he can't just say, you know, 'someone stole my moustache!' So he calls us together, all the platoons...
Zoë: We thought he was gonna shoot us!
Mal: ...and, oh he's eye-ballin' all the men somethin' fierce. Not a word. And he comes up to Tracey, and Tracey's wearing the gorram thing on his face!
Zoë: He had glued it on!
Mal: He's starin' the old man down wearing his own damn moustache!
Jayne: Spry for a dead fella!
Mal: All right. You wanna explain to me why you got yourself all corpsified and mailed to me?
Mal: So, your innards ain't your innards?
Bad Guy: That hat makes you look like an idiot.
Episode 13 Heart of Gold
Inara: Sorry. I didn't mean to startle.
Mal: You didn't. I was just, uh — BWAAA! That's more like a... It's a warrior like... Strikes fear into the hearts of...
Mal: You know, not altogether wise, sneaking up on a fella when he's handling his weapon.
Inara: I'm sure I've heard that said.
Inara: Any well-bred petty crook knows that the small, concealable weapons go to the far left of the place setting.
Mal: [to Inara] This distress wouldn't happen to be happening in someone's pants, would it?
Inara: It sounds like something this crew can handle. I can't guarantee they'll handle it particularly well, but --
Nandi: If they got guns, and brains at all --
Inara: They've got guns.
Inara: I suppose you heard most of that?
Mal: Only because I was eavesdropping.
Jayne: Don't much see the benefit in getting involved in strangers' troubles without an upfront price negotiated.
Book: These people need assistance. The benefit wouldn't necessarily be for you.
Jayne: S'what I'm sayin'
Jayne: 'Cause I don't know these folks. Don't much care to.
Mal: They're whores.
Jayne: I'm in.
Mal: Well, any friend of Inara's is a strictly businesslike relationship of mine.
Mal: I'll introduce you to the rest later. They're good folk.
Jayne: Can I start getting sexed already?
Mal: Well, that one's kind of horrific.
Wash: You'd really lie with someone being paid for it?
Kaylee: Well, it's not like anyone else is lining up to, you know, examine me...
Jayne: Oh, my John Thomas is gonna pop off and fly around the room, there's so much tasty here.
Wash: Would be you get your most poetical about your pecker.
Kaylee: Wash, tell me I'm pretty...
Wash: Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion.
Kaylee: 'Cause I'm pretty?
Wash: 'Cause you're pretty.
Mal: Inara, think you could stoop to being on my arm?
Inara: Will you wash it first?
Mal: Nothing worse than a monster who thinks he's right with God.
Nandi: It's who I am. And it's my home. I'm not going anywhere.
Mal: Well, lady, I must say — You're my kinda stupid.
Zoë: I don't give a good gorram about relevant, Wash. Or objective. And I ain't so afraid of losing something that I ain't gonna try to have it. You and I would make one beautiful baby. And I want to meet that child one day. Period.
Mal: Well, we're an odd conglomeration. Got a preacher, a married fellah, and the doctor... well he'd have to relax for thirty seconds to get his play, and that'd be more or less a miracle.
Inara: How many babies have you actually delivered?
Simon: As the primary? This would be the first. You?
Inara: My first too.
River: Mine too.
Mal: Miss Nandi, I have a confession to make.
Nandi: Maybe I should get the Shepherd.
Mal: Well, I ain't sinned yet, and I'd feel a little more than awkward having him here when I did.
Nandi: Malcolm, I been waiting for you to kiss me since I showed you my guns.
Nandi: You okay with this?
Mal: [after kissing her] I'm just waiting to see if I pass out. Long story.
Inara: So you took to bed with Nandi. I'm glad.
Inara: Yes! She's a dear friend, and probably in need of some comfort about now.
Mal: So you're okay. Well, yeah. Why wouldn't you be?
Inara: I wouldn't say I'm entirely okay. I'm a little appalled at her taste. (A moment later Inara is seen curled up and crying in her room.)
Kaylee: Captain seem a little funny to you at breakfast this morning?
Wash: Come on, Kaylee. We all know I'm the funny one.
Jayne: Whoa now, girl, that's just plain dirty...
Mal: Jayne, you aware your radio's transmittin'? Cause I ain't feelin' particular girlish or dirty at the moment.
Jayne: Mal! Looks like we got some imminent violence!
Petaline: Rance... this is Jonah. Jonah, say hi to your daddy. [Petaline shoots Rance] Say goodbye to your daddy, Jonah.
Episode 14 Objects in Space
Mal: Fully loaded, safety off. This here is a recipe for unpleasantness, does she understand that?
River: She understands, she doesn't comprehend.
Mal: Well I'm glad we've made that distinction. No touching guns.
Jayne: Well, I don't like the idea of someone hearing what I'm thinking.
Inara: [rolls her eyes] No one likes the idea of hearing what you're thinking.
Jayne: Are you saying she's a witch?
Wash: Yes Jayne, she's a witch. She has had congress with the beast.
Jayne: She's in congress?
Wash: How'd your brain even learn human speech. [smiling] I'm just so curious.
[While Jayne shoves a tin box to Wash]
Jayne: Yeah, and if wishes were horses we'd all be eatin' steak!
Simon: Are you Alliance?
Jubal Early: Am I a lion?
Early: I don't think of myself as a lion. You might as well though, I have a mighty roar.
Simon: I said "Alliance."
Early: Oh, I thought...
Simon: No, I was...
Early: That's weird.
Simon: So you're a bounty hunter.
Early: No, that ain't it at all.
Simon: Then what are you?
Early: I'm a bounty hunter.
Jubal Early: You oughta be shot, or stabbed, lose a leg... to be a surgeon. You know? Know the kind of pain you're dealing with. They make Psychiatrists get psychoanalyzed before they can get certified, but they don't make surgeons get cut on. That seem right to you?
Jubal Early: You aren't in my gorram mind, you're in my gorram ship! [After realizing that River was in his ship.]
River: Permission to come aboard?
Mal: You know, you ain't quite right.
River: [Laughing] That's a popular theory.
Mal: [Smiling] Go on get in there. Give your brother a trashing for ruining your plan.
River: [Sighing] He takes so much looking after.
Jubal Early: Well, here I am... [while floating in space]