I screamed out, my lungs shaking as I screamed. The more I screamed the more nothing came out of my mouth. People were hurting me, everyday of every week of every month. 24/ 7. And not just physically. And, I couldn't control it. I had lost control of myself. It felt like I was drowning my way through life. Everyday I would drown in a pool of my own pain. I was completely hopeless.
BANG! The front door slammed shut, what the hell? I ran downstairs and opened the front door. My mum suddenly raced off down the street, without a word. I just stood there on the driveway looking hopeless, as usual. I sped walked to the kitchen to find answers, and I was right. Laying there on the kitchen table was a pink sticky note. Why did they only make green, pink, blue and yellow sticky notes? Why not black? Oh well that didn't matter at this moment in time. I read it carefully, word after word. My eyes widened as I came to the end of the sticky note. I was shocked almost to the bone.
I'm going away with Kevin for a month, I'm staying at his. I have decided its best if I leave the house and you for a bit as I feel I need a break from looking after everything all the time, with no help from you. Thanks for that by the way.
How could she leave her 15 year old daughter in the house for a whole month? Alone? If she could really see what she was doing, she'd run back home to her baby. Well she's definitely changed. Wait! How would I get food? Wait what's this?
P.S If you need any food I left $5 under the sofa. Don't spend it on anything you shouldn't.
$5? What am I going to get with that? One chocolate bar that's what. I'm going to have to live with it.
I walked up the stairs, many thoughts now floating through my head. Opened my door and dragged my laptop from under bed out. I pressed the on button and logged in soon clicking the google chrome sign. I typed facebook in the search bar and pressed enter. I hadn't been on facebook in a while as all of the hate and hurtful comments were seriously getting to me. One time I felt like punching my laptop but that wouldn't result in anything good. As I waited for the page to load I was having second thoughts, and truly enough I really shouldn't have come on. I had 293 notification and most of them were hurtful comments on profile pictures and status'. I tried to ignore them but I just couldn't. 'Emo fag' 'Fat bitch' 'Ugly emo fag'. Some were even 'go die you emo fag'. What had I done to make them do this to me? Was it because I came to 'their' school? Because that's the impression I'm getting. Why did everywhere I go everybody hated me? A tear slipped out. I slammed my laptop shut and cried myself to sleep.
When I woke up, it was at least half 4 in the morning. I decided to get up anyway. I sat on the edge of my bed, head in hands. I eventually lifted up my weight and went over to the mirror. It was horrible seeing myself like this, black makeup lay on every bit of my face. I stared and stared at myself, what a mess. I took a makeup wipe out of the packet and gently started to clean the makeup off ready for a new coat.
After doing my makeup, I walked over to my bed, crouched down and got out the box. I lay it on my bed carefully, opened the lid and took out the beauty, the blade. I put it to my skin and made more and more of the beautiful scars. Surrounding my arms more and more with the cuts.
7 soon came, and I had many thoughts on not going to school. I took the choice of going in, I don't know why I just did. I went to the bathroom, washed away all the blood and hid the blade once more.
When I finally arrived at school, I remembered what the dreadful day had a head of me. I had PE. I have always hated it so much, but it was different now. I didn't just not want to do it, but I couldn't do it. I had scars that would show. People would ask and what would I say? Oh, I self harm?!? I would just have to say I can't do it, ye. I don't give one about my 'fitness' it will never get better with PE.
The time finally came. I sat in science tapping the desk with my pencil, staring at the clock. Tick tick tick tick... the bell went. I grabbed my bag and walked to what could possibly be my nightmare or my escape. I walked down the stairs, foot after foot. Passing more bullies, that stood blocking my path. I got to the changing room and pushed open the door. Some eyes were on me, others just carried on as usual. I walked up to the teacher, know as Miss Pennington and waited patiently.
"Miss, may I talk?," trying to sound as polite as possible.
She turned to face me. "Yes, go ahead Kyla what is it?," The room was full of voices, so that was good. No one would here me.
"I can't do PE today Miss," I paused.
"Why ever not? Do you have a note?," I felt stupid as always at that point, why had I not thought of forging a note?
"Umm..," I paused, "Well, I don't have note. But I do have an excuse." She looked at me with wide eyes, god what had I got myself into?
"Go on, what's your excuse?," She said quite angrily.
"Well, umm I have these scars on my legs and well I don't really want people to see them." I said trying to persuade her. Her eyebrows crossed at me.
"I'm sorry Kyla but no you are doing PE, its not a fashion show. And before you ask no you cannot wear pants, you must use the PE kit school has provided you." God dammit! I needed to argue my way through this.
"But miss, I-I hate them.." just a little lie won't hurt? "just please!," She looked at me with that angry face again.
"Look, now I said no and that's final. Now stop arguing with me and go and get changed!," I hated that feeling when you know your losing something you really want. That's the feeling I had. This women obviously didn't understand, I couldn't take it anymore. Everyone's eyes were now on me.
"Fine! You know what?! Fuck this shit, because if you aren't going to let me miss PE then I will myself! Fuck you and everyone else to because you know what? I hate all of you! I hate everyone in this school! You all little dip shits who can't live their own life without hurting somebody else's!." I had official lost it. I stomped out of the room and found the best place to go to bunk off lesson.
I hate this school.
I hate everyone.
I hate myself.