Fearless (au payne)

I used to think
that love & fear
were not even close to the same thing.
but now, being with you,
I understand that they can be similar.
The fear that keeps us from loving
is also the glue that keeps our love together.
I'm afraid of our future
I love how we are

I'm in love with the ecstasy of fear


Not every 19 years olds live their dream; going to college, meeting somebody special, marrying the one, & starting a family. For those who don't live that kind of life, live in a dark & harsh world. Where there's no one to trust or love. And to live in fear. But there is those who learn to fight fear.


7. chapter 7

The Harbor


I watch him hopelessly laying on the floor. There's nothing that I can do but cry.





My eyes shot open, once I woke up from my nightmare. Each nightmare is different, but all the same too. They all about that day. I know I'm suppose to forget about Chicago & everything else, but I can't. Those horrible memories repeat themselves in my mind & they never stop. There's not one day that I don't think about Chicago. So many things happen in Chicago. Good & bad.

I check the time & it's 6:05 on a Thursday's morning. I got another job at a diner with June. I still work at the bar or pub but only during the night. 

I get out of bed & walk to the kitchen. The apartment is quiet because I'm the only one in here. I open the fridge to see what I have for breakfast. There's some eggs, cheese, spinach & beer. I guess I'll be eating an omelet with beer. Thank god I'm in England where 18 years olds can drink, unlike in America where you have to be twenty-one.

After making my breakfast & eating it, I walk back to my room. Before I could even open my door, I hear someone knocking.

"Open up Em, it's Dean"

I huff & walk towards the door. He walks in without even a 'hello' or 'how are you doing'. Three weeks & he doesn't even bother me with a brotherly hello. Great brother of mine.
I close the door & walk in the kitchen to see Dean looking through the fridge.

"Where's the beer?"

"I drank it" 

"You what?!" I knew that will piss him off.

"Did I stutter?" 

"You're 19 years old & you're under age to drink! Are you out of your mind?!" he screams in my face, but I remain calm.

"It's legal here in England & knew what I was doing, so you can relax. Where's Sam?" I changed the subject & by the looks on his face, he knew what I was doing.

"Out with Ian" he sighs, "Look, I don't want you out tonight. Once you get out of work, come straight here. You can even invite June if you don't want to be alone."


"Just do what I say okay?" he says annoyed.

"But I don't work today."

"Good, makes it easier for me. Don't go out, call Josh if there's anything you need. I'll see you later" and with that he leaves.




"Wow. This is really amazing George. You made this?"


I was on a date with George at the Museum of Contemporary Art Chicago, where he works at. George is an artist, & may I say, I pretty good one too. George & I have been dating now for 7 months & neither of us had said 'I love you'. I want to say it so bad , but I won't. I am too scare to get rejected. 

"I'm glad you like it. This painting express the feelings I feel."

"Like everyday or..." 

"Everyday & moment I've spent with you" I blush at his comment.

He walks closer to me so we're face to face, but I'm looking down because I don't know what to say. I can feel him breathing on me, if I look up, our noses will touch. His hand moves my hair out of the way so he can see my face, but I'm still looking down. I then feel him stroking my cheek.

"When I was in France, I'd learn that in French you don't really say 'I miss you'. You say' tu meanques', which is closer to 'you are missing from me'. I love that.'You are missing from me'. You are a part of me, you are essential to my being. You are like a limb, or an organ or blood. I cannot function without you" he grabs my chin & makes me look at him.

"I love you"


I wake up from my dream & just stare at the ceiling. That night was the best night of my life. It was the first time we said 'I love you' to each other. Bur sadly all good things come to an end. 

I get out of my bed & check the time. It's going to be 7. I've been asleep for only an hour. All day long I cleaned the house & watched movies in my room. Great way to spend a Thursday's night. I should call June, but she's probably working.

I walk to the kitchen to cook something for me. As I was opening the cabinet, I hear someone knocking. I stand in my kitchen deciding to answer the door or not. 

I decide to not answer the door & just stay quiet hopefully they'll go away. The knocking has stop, but after a while, the knocking became banging.

"Open the fucking door Emma!" 

That son-of-a-bitch scared the hell out of me. I rush to the door.

"What the hell-" I could even finish my own sentence because he charges into my apartment.

"God dammit Dean! Where the hell is it at!"

"What are you looking for?"

"His gun"

What the hell? A gun? Dean has some explanation to do when I see him again.

"What's going on Ian?" I am scare of his answer would be.

"Your shit head brother got himself in deep shit & because of him, they got Josh" what?

Josh? What did Dean do this time & who are 'they'?

"Found it!" he pulls out a gun out of the couch. Well that explain why that couch was so uncomfortable.

"Come on we don't have time. They have Josh." 

"Whoa hold on. What the hell is going on?"

"I don't have time for this shit. I'll explain in the car" he grabs my navy green sweater & begins to walk to the door.


"Do you want to explain what's going on?"

We were in Ian's car driving towards to city & I had no idea where we going or what the hell was going on.

"Dean wouldn't leave that guy's ass alone for threaten him, so his dumbass thought 'hey why don't I beat up one of his guys & mess around with his girl'. Now cause of him, that guy has Josh."

Imma kill Dean.

"What's the guy name?"

"Blake.He's the same guy who he sent those two guys after you." 

I'm trying to process what's going & why. This Blake dude is the same guy my brother owens money too, & now for beating up one of his guys. 

"Where are we going?"

"The harbour. Your brothers are there already."

"Why did you bring me along? You know Dean would be piss." 

"It wasn't safe for you to be alone in the apartment. Plus, I'm not scare of your brother"

We arrived at the harbour, but Ian parks the car in an alley. He goes to the backseat to get Dean's gun & reloads it. 

"Now I want you to stay here. If you see Josh or me, start the car & honk. As soon we get in the car, take off like there's no tomorrow. Understood?" he grabs more bullets & puts them in his pockets.


"If anyone comes out of that building & it's not us. Shoot them" he hands me a gun. "Do you know how to use a gun?"


He gets out of the car & looks at me for a moment then takes off running to the building. As soon he disappear into the building, I get out of the car. I am tired of being treated like a child & for someone to look after me. I'm gonna show that brother of mine that I don't need anyone to protect me. Besides this isn't like the first I use a gun before.

I held on to the gun tightly as enter the building. It's cold, dark & it smells like fish in here. It looks like it was an old fish company that went out of business 10 years ago. There were many rusty chains hanging & can all of the floor. I watched where I step because if I make a single sound, it's game over.

I hear men laughing really close by, so ran quietly towards them. I stay hidden behind some machine & tried to peek what's going on. There's about 17 guys with guns just hanging around in front what it looks like a office. I then see Josh tie up to a chair. He's badly beaten up & looks worn out. The grip of my gun tighten, seeing him like this makes me want to-

"What the hell are you doing here"

Ian is standing right next to me & he pulls me away somewhere far. He then takes my gun away from me. My brothers come out of the corner.

"What the hell she doing here? I told you to-"

"I brought her along when I went to your apartment for your gun. He has his men looking for her in the town. It wasn't safe for her" Ian cuts him off.

Both Dean & Sam look frustrated.

"You didn't answer me. I told you to stay in the car"

"I wanted to help" Dean laughs.

"Help? We don't need your help Emma. You'll just make things more complicated for us."

"Dean!" Sam tries to not yell.

"You brought this to yourself Dean. Besides, Josh is my friend & I want to help him." I grab my gun from Ian.

Before Dean can even say anything, we all hear a door slam. We all scattered & hide. I stood by Sam because I know I'm better off being next to him. We hide behind some boxes & Sam was watching what was going on. I tried to see where Dean & Ian hide, but I couldn't find them.

"What's going on?" I whisper.

"I don't know. They're just surrounding Josh." after he said that, I heard a loud grunt.

They were beating him up again.

"Now are you going to tell me, where he's at or where he's hiding at?"

"Is that Blake speaking?" I ask Sam.

"No. He's not here." I hear groan.

"We need to help him" I am scare now what will happen to Josh if they keep on hitting him.

"I know. Just give me a minute to think" 

But before he can even do anything, there's a gunshot. My first thought was 'God no, they kill Josh', but the men were panicking. The gunshot came from one of us. Then another gunshot, then another & another.

"Who's shooting?" I really worried now. Almost in the stage of panic.

"Don't know?! It's coming from somewhere high & inside the room."

I listen to the men panicking & shooting. 

"Let's go. We need to get Josh out of here" Sam gets up begins to run.

I watch him run & soon see Ian & Dean join him. If it wasn't Ian or Dean who shoot then who was it?

There's gunshots everywhere & I want it to stop. No. I can't be a coward. I must fight. I need to show Dean I am not a child.

I get up & hold on to my gun tightly. As I walk closer to the door, I see Josh. He looks like he's in so much pain & just makes me angry. They need to pay for what they did. Wait, did I just say that?

One of the guys saw me & looked shock. I shot him in the chest & went for another. Asi was shooting, I join my brothers & Ian. They didn't notice at first, but then glance at me as I shot one down. I know they're shock & surprise of my actions but I can't help myself. I stop shooting & run towards Josh. He's still tie up to the chair, but he's on the floor so he won't get shot. I untie him as fast as I could & drag him to the office where everyone was at. 

"You two need to get out of here" Sam yells.


"Come with me" I look to my right & see Liam. 

He's here. 

"I can get you guys out of here. Just stay behind at all times." I nodded.

He looks at Dean for agreement & Dean nods his head.

"Just make sure they both get out of here safe. And that they stay somewhere safe for tonight."

There was a door hidden behind a shelf. Liam moves the shelf very fast & slams the door open. He waved at us to follow him & Josh stumbles a bit getting up. I try my best to help him run, but he's in so much pain. Liam is watching our backs as we follow behind him.

"Come on!" he comes besides Josh & helps me.

He grabs Josh's right arm & pulls it over his shoulders. We all stumble running towards the backdoor, but that soon changes.

Two men out of nowhere appear & begin to shot at our direction. Liam pulls out his gun & begins to shot too.

"Come on! I know another way out"

We ran as fast we could & Liam is trying to shoot down the guys. It was hard getting Josh to get up the stairs as Liam was shooting. We had nowhere to go besides a room with only a window & Liam was out of bullets.

"Now what?" now I am scare to death. 

Those men are about to come in this room & shoot us. Josh was out of energy & is about the faint.

"We need to jump out of the window" Liam moves a table out of the way so we can jump.

"Are you crazy? Josh won't make it" 

"Trust me. Now come on" he looks at me with those puppy brown eyes. 

I trust him.

I grab Josh & grab on to his shoulder tightly. Liam was the first one to jump off. We were two stories up & the water was sure icy cold. I was so scare. What if something goes wrong? Before I can even know what's going on, Josh & I were running towards the window. As we were about to jump, I hear the door slam & gunshots were shoots.

The next thing I notice is that I'm in icy water & I don't feel Josh.

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