When I was discharged from hospital, my life then started to fall apart. But I suppose it already was. Not that my parents have ever loved me, not even before.
I was never the popular girl, I never have been, and now, probably never will be. But I had friends, they tried to make me less 'freakish' and more normal, ha, what is normal? But a universal rule which no one knows? Still, despite my protests, they tried, I could smell the colour coming off of them, but that was it. I never saw their colour, their 'happiness' never held back the true colour which they are, grey, black and white, that is all. That is my world.
But still, at least they were forward with their thoughts, unlike my family, for when I left, my family came to take me home, we never spoke a word, but I could see, behind their smiles of joy and happiness, there was anger, rage, fury, everything illegal here, their eyes showed it. When we arrived back home, my friends were waiting for me, I thought that they would comfort me, but I was wrong.
"We tried to warn you Nicolette, it's not our fault you didn't listen." I used to remember their names, but now, I have cast them from my mind. "Look at you! You're nothing more than a FREAK!!!" That stung, but at least they didn't dance around the bush. "Nicolette, I used to think you would go back to what you were like before, but now I see I was wrong, you never wanted to. You SELFISH UNGRATEFUL---" She was cut off by another dragging her away, before anyone noticed her anger, I saw red emanating from her, but I didn't register it. Now I have no friends, the ones I did have were true friends, they had the decency to tell me outright what they thought about me and my lifestyle, unlike my family, we haven't spoken a word, any communication we have, which is rare in itself, is written. Mainly because I cannot speak louder than a whisper, without my 'smile' coming loose. Which in itself is both a blessing and a curse.
It's a blessing because I can quite easily get out of talking to somebody, I can escape the possible purgatory which will be my school, but it's a curse because I have to 'eat' all my foods in smoothie form, which is all kinds of yuck, and when I do speak, it's no louder than a whisper else I risk tearing my stitches, which itch and are annoying and it's probably illegal too.
It's a curse because............ well, I guess you probably know and anyways not a very pleasant or nice to talk about.
My life always was different, ever since I lost the colours, the colours which I cherished so much, I lost the one person which kept everything there, now he's gone, his façade ripped away, my mind crumbled, I needed time, time which couldn't be given, so I stole it. I suppose I have fallen further into the trappings of my mind, after all, in the words of he;
"Madness is a lot like gravity, all it takes is a little push."
He was everything, but nothing.
He was my everything, because there was no one else who was my true friend, or really loved me, but him. He was the only one there for me, like nearly ALL the time. He was mine, but it's the same....... not anymore.
On the other hand, he was nothing because he was just a person, not capable of comforting me every single second of this hell people called life, as if it really was a life, even death is probably nicer. If I had more friends they could take it in turns to be there for me............... well they could've done that before all this, not anymore. Now I'm dead, well dead to the outside world.