It's been a year. A whole year, give or take. A whole year of our tour. A whole year of screaming fans. A whole year of singing, laughing, and spending time with the lads. But of course, it was also a whole year without Katie. To be truthful, we all miss her. By all, I mean all five of the lads, including myself.
If we're still being totally honest, I'll add that I think I might have a crush on her. I mean, I've been with plenty of other girls, but I feel like she's my first crush all over again. Another thing: I'm pretty sure all the other lads feel the same way. I know for a fact that Niall and Louis do, but I also know that Louis met someone, though they're not together. I wish they'd get together though, because maybe then I'd have a better chance at being with her. Not that I have much of a chance with her as is though, because firstly we have no idea where she is, and secondly, she probably hates us. Then again, I would too after what we put her through, especially with what her past was like.
Still, it hurts, not having her here. I guess on some level I'm glad she's gone, because it was never right for us to take her like that. At first, we were afraid she'd turn us in, but she never did, so maybe she doesn't fully hate us. I can't imagine why she wouldn't though, because we did kidnap her, after all. But really, we're afraid that the reason she hasn't turned us in is because that old boyfriend of hers, David, found her. We hope he didn't, but we don't know.
We also can't exactly go searching for her, because that could create suspicion. We return to London tonight though, as yesterday we held our last show here in America. I think we'll stay in London for about a week together, and the for the rest of the month we have off we'll go see our families. After that, it's back to the studio for recording in London, and the usual show here and there along the way. We just released our new album, Midnight Memories, and quite a few of the songs on there were written with Katie in mind. On this album, I think I worked on more songs with them than any other.
Honestly, I feel like Half a Heart best describes how I'm feeling without Katie, and I'm sure the other lads feel similar. I guess it's off to London now, which is going to be quite a long ride. Luckily we have a private jet, so we don't have to be totally bombarded by fans, or wear concealing clothes to hide ourselves. For the most part, I'm just glad because I can just relax and think about how the past year has been. I feel like I've been doing quite a lot of that lately. With the release of our new album, our publicity has flared, especially with the tour, as we included a few sneak peak songs from the album, which the fans really loved.
Though I'm sure her feelings aren't the same, I really miss Katie, but I know I really have no chance of seeing her again, unless fate wants us to be together. It hurts to think about her because it tugs at my heart to think of what we put her through.
This is going to be quite a long flight. We have to go all the way back to London from America, and then after a week or so spent there with the lads, we'll head our separate ways, and for me that means heading back to Ireland I see my family. I miss them, but I'll admit that I think I miss Katie more.
I know what we did to her was wrong, and if I ever got to see her again I'd probably beg for her forgiveness, because I really like her. I fear though that if we ever saw her again, and she miraculously forgave us, I'd never have a chance to be with her, because I know my mates Harry and Louis like her too, as well as Liam, and I'm not sure about Zayn, but I think he developed a soft spot for too.
It feels like I never get the girl, when the other lads are involved too. I don't know what it is about them that girls like more, but I guess they never see it in me. We really screwed up though. Sure, we were younger and more arrogant as well as stupid, but we really messed up. I'm fairly sure if we had any chance with Katie, it was crushed when we decided to kidnap her. For God's sake, I think we might've even raped her if we hadn't learned about her past. That's just how messed up we were.
Emphasis on the were, as in not anymore. After we discovered she escaped, we really realized that we did something horrible, and that was probably the best solution for all of us. I admit though, we were fearful for a time that she'd turn us in, but after nothing happened in the first few weeks following her escape, we understood it was never going to happen. We could've gotten into serious trouble for what we did, but for some mysterious reason she decided to not tell the authorities.
I was never really on board with kidnapping her in the first place anyway, but I was sort of out-numbered. Either way, I felt bad for what we put her through, especially after learning of her past, and her previous experiences with boys. I'll admit, I liked her even before I learned what happened to her, but after we found out, I felt like I wanted to protect her, to guard her from anything that could hurt her again. I wanted to heal her scars, but now I don't think that will be possible. I didn't really think it'd be possible after we kidnapped her anyway, but I still had hope that maybe she'd fall for me, instead of one of the other lads.
I've got to try to forget her, but it's going to be hard. I feel like I'm falling in love all over again, like I'm back in grade six and she's my very first crush, the one I secretly want to ask out.
So, I've met someone. After Katie escaped, I didn't think my heart could be healed. It really felt broken, and though it still does, I think Eleanor has really helped. I don't mean to compare them, but I still don't think Eleanor could ever be Katie. That's not a bad thing though, as I don't think Katie could ever be Eleanor either. I feel like they could be instant friends though, if they ever met. El's personality is just like that; everyone loves her because she's so bubbly and happy.
I don't think I'd ever even have a chance with Katie though, even if we found we again. I know for a fact that we wouldn't kidnap her again, because we understood what we did was absolutely wrong, and that we deserved to be punished, but that punishment never came, even after Katie escape. I guess it's kind of better this way though, because we would have never let her go on our own, so this way she's living her own life again, but it still hurts. I really think I love her.
Eleanor though, she's really been helping me. I haven't told her the real reason I'm so heartbroken, I just told her it was from a bad breakup. Honestly, I feel the worst for my mate Harry, whom I think is taking it harder than myself. Though he comes off as a sarcastic flirt most of the time, he's actually a real softy, and I know for a fact that he fell in love with her too. Though I know what he's going through, I think it's hitting him harder than myself, mostly because I have someone like Eleanor to help me through it. Though we haven't spent much time together, we do Skype quite often, usually late at night just to talk about things.
I'm thinking about asking her to be my girlfriend, but I'm afraid I'm not over Katie yet, even though we were never actually together, and I don't want Eleanor to feel like she doesn't have all of my heart. I would never cheat on someone, so I'd rather wait until I know fully what my feelings are, and if they're for the right person. I really hope I can get over her though, because I don't think I'll ever even get to see her again, let alone apologize and beg for her forgiveness before trying to be with her. Not to mention, I'd have plenty of competition from the other lads as well, which would just make it a whole lot harder, assuming she'd forgive us at all for what we subjected her to.
It's been a whole year since we kidnapped Katie. By far, that has to be the worst thing any of us have committed. I regret it every day, and it kills me knowing that it was basically my fault. I'm the one the spoke of the idea, even though we were basically all thinking it. It's not something we can really go back from though; what's done is done, and now, I'm positive I've crushed my chances with her.
I'm not blind, I know the other lads had feelings for her too, but it feels like I fell in love all over again, like we were back in secondary school and I was falling for my first crush all over again. I treated her horribly, even laid a hand on her in violence, and it kills me. She's basically all I think about, though I try to hide it from the others. I'm not used to violence, and I feel awful for what I did to her, for what we all put her through.
I know what we did to her is unforgivable, which makes it even more painful to think about her because I know I'd have no chance, as she'd never even give me a second glance. I'd have to be the luckiest guy in the world for that to happen, and I'd have to have fate on my side.
Though I'd have competition from the other lads, I don't think I'd have to worry about Louis. I know he liked her too, but I also know he found someone that's been really good for him, which is a great thing. I think her name is Eleanor, and I know she's been a really good thing for Louis. He sure has been a lot happier lately.
I wish I could find someone like that, yet at the same time I don't, because I don't want to get over Katie. I want to apologize to her, and then if I must, move on. It breaks me knowing that I could've potentially traumatized her, especially because she actually ended up opening up to us and tried to make the best of her imprisonment. Though I don't like to call it that, that's what it was. Yeah, it sounds horrible, because it was.
We took her and forced her to stay with us. I'm sure she was scared out of her mind, and for that I'm truly sorry. We were blind to it, ignorant. In all honesty, it's not that we should've let her go, it's that we never should've taken her in the first place. That was the beginning of our mistakes, but sadly it wasn't the worst of them. I've never felt more sick with myself that after I fully realized what we had done to her. She had it hard enough as it was, but then we came along and made it worse for her.
I want to just let her go, but on top of my heart missing her, my guilt won't let me. If have to say, the weirdest thing was explaining to management why the door handle was broken in the dressing room. We told them that Louis accidentally fell against it, then as he was trying to make it seem less broken, he ended up breaking it even worse. We didn't think they'd buy it, but apparently they did, because they let us off the hook for it.
It took us a while just to figure out exactly how she did it, but then we found the bin, and saw the dents in the bottom, probably because she used it to hit against the door handle to break it. Whatever she did, it worked, and then we realized Niall's mistake of leaving his phone, without it's pass-code, merely due to the fact that he doesn't like having one on because he can do stuff quicker on it, his own words. Still, we think she used it to call someone, then deleted any trace of it, though I didn't even know she had anyone to call. Maybe she didn't though, but we had no way to go look for her.
We just kicked off our tour, so we were about to be traveling a lot, which gave us no chance to search. Maybe it's better this way though, so she can live her own life, and we can deal with our mistakes. Karma, right? I just wish I could apologise. Not that I think she'd accept it, but maybe it'd make me feel better, take away some of the guilt I'm feeling.
Katie's gone. She has been, for about a year, ever since the kick-off of our national tour. It's been really different without her, though its basically what we always used to do, before we kidnapped her. I still feel bad about it.
I'm not really as mean as some people may assume. I'm still a person, I still have a heart, and I still have feelings. To be truthful, I actually started to develop some feelings for her. She was quite pretty, which is one reason our stupid selves decided to take her. Not to mention, she had a fiery, alive attitude that I loved. She also had a horrible past, and I just wanted to protect her. But instead, we made her live a living hell, making it worse instead of better.
She deserves so much better, so I guess in a sense, I'm glad she escaped. The part of me that fell for her is heartbroken, but I guess that's karma. We never should've even taken her in the first place, but we did, and now we can't take it back. We thought for sure she'd go to the authorities, but after we realised she didn't, we figured she just wanted to forget about what happened. It was a relief, but it also hurt. I can't believe we put we through what we did, and I feel like it breaks me a little more each day.
It feels like we put a facade on for the world, and then when we're alone or just with each other, the mask comes off. We get by, sure, but the guilt eats at us a little more each day.
I think it's safe to speak for all of us when I say we just wish we had a second chance, one where we could apologise and get rid of the guilt. Sometimes, everyone just needs a second chance, but I doubt shed give us one, if we ever even saw her again, that is.
~FYI, if some words look like they're spelled a bit different, or appear wrong, and you're American or maybe Canadian, it's because I wrote this chapter in my normal 'language', and as some of you might know, we spell things a bit differently in the UK. My reason for doing this is because the boys' are from the UK, so that's how they'dd talk, whereas Katie is from America, so she'd talk like an American. It may be too small of a change for some people to notice, like realize to realise, but it's there, if you look hard enough. I'm just to make it seem more authentic and real, if that makes any sense. So, also, you've probably noticed this chapter is written from the boys' point of view. I asked if you guys wanted this before, and now I'd like to know if you think I should do it again. Basically, to limit confusion, it will always be in Katie's point of view unless it specifically says otherwise in the chapter. If it doesn't say anything, it will be her point of view. So, thanks for meeting the requirements I set to get this chapter, I really do appreciate the feedback. No shipping names for Katie and any of the boys yet though? I really hope you guys can come up with some, because I'm absolutely horrible at things like that. Anyway, I've been working on some new ideas for the next couple chapters, and I hope they come out well. Requirements for the next chapter will only be two more comments, though my replies don't count. More favourites and likes would be lovely, but it's not necessary to get the next chapter. If you get the comments in only a couple days, the update might not be quite so instantaneous, because it's still in the early stages, so it might take a bit. I thank all of you for being so patient with me though! More good news, I'm back in the UK for spring break! Oh, how I missed it here! I head back to the US before the break's up though, but at least I get to visit some of my friends here. It's better than nothing, right? Anyway, stay strong, stay brave, and stay beautiful. I love you all, and thank for all your support!