What would I do with a Time Machine if you only got one journey? Go back to witness the Big Bang? Go to the end of the universe and see what happens? Try to stop World War One happening, even try to stop certain pop stars being born?
Me? I'd go back to last November, to the start of NaNo. Why you might ask, why such a date so close and why not to another time. Well that, my friends, was the time my life changed for the better, but also for the worse.
During NaNo I got close to a person, someone I shouldn’t have done. She was a person I regarded as a friend, someone who I maybe had taken for granted for a few years. During the spring and summer I’d began to get to know her better and appreciate her humour and intelligence. There are days I remember clearly through mental photos I took at the time. I remember the last day in York, how you were ill, then sick. The journey back from York, sadly too short a journey to be alone in each company. The mental picture of you in the service station wearing my Gryffindor hoodie. I could have carried on like this if it hadn’t been for NaNo.
You see NaNo changed everything between us. On top of that we started doing scouts twice a week. It all became a little intense. We spent most meetings together in the kitchen, talking over plotlines, our faces in movellas for most of the time. We had the same tastes in music, the same taste in books. The intensiveness of NaNo became all pervading. You see I never meant to fall in love with her. I did try to remember this but during that month we became close. She became the central figure in my life, my NaNo companion. I shouldn’t have got so close but I don’t apologise or regret it.
As NaNo came to a close we both dreaded its end, both wondering what would happen when it finished, when the intensity was over. However we seemed to get even closer. We spent more time in each other’s company. I remember trips to Maccydees, Asda and best of all for me was the lunchtime in Starbucks. I still carry those mental photos in my head. I hope she enjoyed those days as much as me.
It ended, it had to end even if I don’t understand why it finally did. It hit me harder than I thought it would. Even now a few months on the pain is still locked away in my mind. I have never known such agony. Then I got ill and she weren’t there to chat to, to help me through it. My life seemed empty and devoid of any meaning. I missed her humour, her wit but most of all I missed her friendship. I don’t doubt she ever meant to hurt me. She wasn’t that sort of person. She’s kind, considerate and beautiful. Yes she’s radiantly beautiful with the most perfect smile in the world, a smile we see so rarely.
Today nearly three months on, my heart still aches. I’m getting better each day but its’ not the same between us. There are things I can’t say to her now. We’re talking, after a fashion but there is this awkwardness that I feel will never change. I know we can never be together as a couple, but I do miss the fun and conversation we once had.
So, dear reader, if I had a Time Machine for a one off trip I’d head for that time. I’d tell myself not to fall in love with her. If that wasn’t possible I’d try to explain how it was never meant to be. I’d do anything to get her friendship back to where it was. Bizarrely you see she somehow is a key to my happiness. Maybe one day we’ll sit down and talk like we used to.
However I can’t see it happening. I gave myself to Easter to try to get things back on track but can’t see any hope now. I think it’s time to move on.
I’m not sure what else I need to change in my life. She was the reason I started to write again, without you it seems that it loses its purpose. Movellas is a big part of my life. I’ve made many friends on there. I even have an e-family for gods sake, but if I don’t write I have no reason to be there.
So it leaves me in a quandary. Movellas reminds me so much of her, even three months on. However without my e-family I wouldn’t have recovered. They listened to my mumbles, never complaining when it’s about her again, even though they must be sick to death of me going on.
It’s hard to put one above the other but I’ve really appreciated the friendship of Ahlaam, EH, Zee, the mighty Prez, Lily Anna and Crissy to name just a few. They have helped get me back on my feet, they’re all so awesome, and almost at the level I hold her.
I still have the Christmas present I bought her hidden away. A selection of items that I looked long and hard for. A t-shirt I thought she’d like, a special signed book by an author, a few Japan related treats. All of them selected with care. I don’t quite know what to do with them now.
Moving on is a big step for me. I’ve plans in place to remove myself from her life, plans which involve moving far away. I’ll always remember her and will always be at the end of an email or phone if she ever needs me. I will always be there for her, just maybe not in person.