The Funny Side of it All

"I guess I'm just so used to either drowning or flying, I'm unsure of anything inbetween"
Don't believe what they say
It doesn't get better
It gets worse and worse
Until you feel nothing, numb
And you long for that empty pain you once felt.
That empty pain you wished away
And you take a blade,
Hoping, that just maybe you will feel something, anything
And you feel that empty pain
And it hurts so so much
And it gets worse and worse
Until you feel nothing
And before you've a chance to realise
You're stuck in this cycle called depression


3. Chapter Two

"In these times you have to be an optimist to open your eyes in the morning" -Carl Sandburg

I don't know what I feel right now. It's hard to tell, is nothing a feeling? Or is nothing, nothing? Does numb have a name, is numb the name for what I'm feeling? Has life finally showed me mercy and switched the flick off on my emotions? I feel as if I'm not living but watching myself live, if that's a thing, I feel as I'm floating on the ground, well I don't actually know what I feel. Maybe, I feel okay, but I can't tell if I do. I guess I'm just so used to either drowning or flying I'm unsure of anything in between. I don't know if I want to do die or if I just want someone to save me, or if I actually do feel the way I do or maybe my brain decided one day to make me think I feel what I feel. I see things differently to other people, that's one thing I'm sure off, I feel like I'm just this thing trapped inside a shell called the human body, maybe I'm some sort of robot who developed a mind of it's own, a heart of it's own, like a failed invention. That's what I feel like sometimes, a failure, like when you cook a batch of cupcakes and one goes wrong for no known reason, maybe there are just a few wrong wires in my brain. It just confuses me how this moment right now will merely be a memory a minute later, I don't know the purpose of life, the meaning, why it's necessary to live. We all die in the end. I think we're all depressed to some extent but some people are strong enough to win their battle, and some people are too weak to fight their battle at all. I'm not sure which one I am, but I guess we'll find out soon enough, but I just don't understand why anyone would care to try anyway, I don't understand life, just like nobody understands me.

I don't know what I'm feeling, and I'm not sure if I like it. I guess I just feel odd if I don't feel pain, but that's probably odd itself.

It just baffles me how I could see a woman out shopping and I know nothing about her and the next morning she could be dead and I would have no knowledge of that fact, of course I shouldn't care, but I do, I do so much, and it hurts ever so much to think that woman who I saw out shopping who I knew absolutely nothing about may be dead. No, this isn't about the woman but just life in general, things happen and people come and go and I can't do anything about it, and if I can't do anything about another's existence, is there really a purpose to mine? Nothing just seems to make sense, but how do I know if life is supposed to make sense, I just want to know, something, anything, maybe that's why I haven't taken my life yet, I'm just looking for some answers before I leave, maybe that's why no one will give them to me.

I just don't understand why we live our lives thinking that it's of a big importance and thinking that one minuscule little person could ever make a difference in this big world, if any of us died this moment, just any one of us, would you honestly be able to say that it mattered? That the years you spent trying to be someone weren't wasted years? We will all die trying to be something, someone because the truth is we are nothing, and we always will be, the truth is you are nothing. So why on earth can someone have the authority to tell someone how to live their life when life itself is this meaningless, amusing cycle.

I don't know what outs there, of if there is anything out there, or if it's worth looking for, but my life is just as pointless as yours, so I may as well dedicate my days to something.

I don't want to join in with the swarm of people hoping to become someone when there is no one to become, I just want to give myself an answer, because I'm sure as hell that no one else will.

I just don't understand how I feel, and I don't know what I feel. I think I feel several emotions all piled on top of one another, but I feel sad, that's for definite, I don't think sad is a feeling, it's more of an effect other emotions create, and I don't know how to stop feeling sad. And I just think,

Maybe I was born to be sad.

Imagine having so many thoughts that you are unsure if you've any thoughts at all.

Life is a mystery and I don't understand why no one tries to solve it, why can other people be so content and satisfied with such a meaningless existence, we're all lost souls just floating, roaming, well I don't want to roam anymore.

I watch films because in films everything just makes sense, I fall in love with the stories and the people and the perfect love that they share, I want to love properly, but I can't, maybe I'm incapable of love, or maybe I need someone I love me first.

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