"There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy. All the rest - whether or not the world has three dimensions, whether the mind has nine or twelve categories - comes afterward. These are games; one must first answer"
It's truly amazing how the ceiling is such a mystical fascinating sight once you look at it for such a while, how just lying here staring at the ceiling can make me feel almost whole whereas nothing much else could. I must be careful though, if I lose concentration of the beauty of this ceiling I will start to think of things, things I most likely shouldn't, but who knows, maybe I should, maybe everyone debates whether or not to commit suicide but everyone says it's wrong so no one admits it and we're all just thinking of it, secretly. Of course that's highly unlikely because if people thought the things I think of, the human race definitely has no purpose. I like to think that maybe there is a reason why we all stay, I like to think that maybe one day I will have a reason to stay, someone to love, maybe one day I will have a meaning, a purpose, but for now everything just seems so pointless.
You see the posts on social networking sites that suggest self harm and attempted suicide to be this tragically beautiful thing when it's certainly not, "You are a tiger that has earned it's stripes", I apologize but no, scars from cuts and burns are not stripes, they are the aftermath of a person so desperately sad who finally thought I'd rather be nothing dead than nothing alive, people make self harmers to be strong when we are the weakest of human kind, we gave up solely because the wasn't much to give up in the first place. All this talk of tigers and strength and beauty if bull shit, because I am no tiger, I am no fighter, I am no piece of tragic beauty. I am sad, I am empty and there's nothing more too it. I don't think that major depression is actually an illness, it's pathetic, I'm pathetic. Some of us are just smart enough to want answers, to want to mean something, some of us are adventurous enough to see what's next, no I'm not saying that we depressed are the superior, I am simply saying I see the world in a much different perspective to you, I see life differently to you, so you have no right to force life upon someone who has no desire for it.
I cry a lot. When I cry in my room sometimes I force myself to look in the mirror and force a smile and hold back the tears, it's just practice you see, practice for when I need to pretend I'm okay. I am okay.
I want to be okay.
Maybe if I tell myself that as much as I tell you then maybe like you, I'll believe it.
Recently I decided that I would like to start fresh, where I'm not so naive to open up but I realized I cannot run my from myself, but I also realized what shit friends I have, I don't hate them, I just don't love them anymore, I don't even like them anymore, I'm constantly blanked out, and they only care for me when I'm almost in tears and even then all i see is the pity in their eyes and I get so frustrated because I created that pity, and they see me as this pathetic thing. "You're not the same anymore" "You're not as bubbly as you used to be". Well thank you ever so much or informing me I'm not the friend you want but instead I'm the friend you're stuck with, I can't help it if sometimes I'm to sick and tired of life to force a smile on my face, no matter how much I try. I'm trying but what is the bloody point when I have nothing worth trying for.
I have nothing worth living for.
I have nothing.