At the moment, I don't seem to be able to be creative. Something has been missing from me for a few months now, and everything I turn my hand to feels a bit bloodless. I have no motivation anymore.
For a songwriter (which is what I am masquerading as at the moment), this is disastrous. I never claimed to be good with lyrics or words, but melodies, harmonies and guitar parts used to make up for that - everything used to slot into place. These days however, nothing seems to fit and it's messing with my head.
I started this account to improve my writing, hopefully improving my lyricism in the process. Slowly, that's happening. But as my lyrics improve, they become more personal - too personal for my liking - and I find it harder and harder to set them to appropriate music. It used to be so easy; all I needed was four chords and a decent melody. Now there has to be a counter-melody, unexpected chords and a key change - I can't write a simple song anymore.
In some ways, I suppose this development is positive. I'm more inclined to push myself to write complex music,discover new chords and improve as a composer. And I am getting closer to meeting my expectations of myself; every guitar part I write is slightly better than the last. The only problem is that my expectations are too high, and every time I fail to meet them I get a little closer to giving up.
I have all these ideas floating round in my head but I can't translate them into anything solid, or rather anything sonic. I don't want to waste time on mediocre songs, but that's all I seem to be producing at the moment. I know that I need to write a few shite songs to learn how to write good ones, but I just can't be arsed. If no-one will hear it, what's the point?
This attitude has been permeating every aspect of my life at the moment and it's beginning to piss me off. I'm doing my best to fight it, starting with writing this. I know it's not great, but maybe I've learnt something in the process.
Just to be clear, this is not a cry for help or attention; this is just me thinking out loud. If you've actually taken the time to read this, then thanks for bearing with me while I straighten out my head. Sorry for the rambling.