There was this picture I once saw, when I went to a museum with my mum, dad and younger sister, Anna. I never knew what it meant, but now looking back at it I can relate. It’s of this man sitting at a table by himself slouching on the chair. You can tell this man is depressed due to his body language. Like I said, he is slouched over. The unique thing about this picture is that the man doesn’t have a face. Instead, he has a hole, and there is nothing inside his head. The reason why he is looking down is because on the table, there are four masks of different colours, a green one, a red one, a blue one and a yellow one. Now I know what you are thinking, ‘what one earth does this mean?’ or ‘what does this have to do with anything?’
I kept thinking those exact questions until recently.
My mum passed away three years ago, and to say life was horrible was an understatement. I felt lost without her. I still do. She was my best friend, my rock, my everything. My dad didn’t take it very well. A year later he committed suicide. My younger sisters, Anna, who is two year younger then I am, and she is 15, and Clara, who is only 7, handled my mum passing away okay. Clara knew that mum had left but didn’t know why. Anna on the other hand, was confused on the whole thing. She sat in her room, thinking about everything. Dad would lock himself in his room and cry.
So when dad killed himself, Clara got confused why our parents have gone and weren’t coming back. Anna changed her attitude and became one of those bitchy, annoying popular girls. I on the other hand, started hanging out with the wrong crowds, got a couple of tattoos and piercings, and maybe got arrested a few times.
We have been going in out of different foster homes in the state, until I turn 18 in a year so I can take full care of them, and be their legal guardian.
Now this picture, the man has no face, but many masks. That’s me, though I hasn’t realised till recently, but with only one mask. People are always I’m strong and that mum and dad would be proud, well why don’t I feel like that? I have created this façade for the past couple of years, not caring about anything or anyone and minding my own business, not letting myself break down. I do this so I don’t get pity, sure I still get it, but not as much as I used to.
No one has seemed to notice, they just thinking that I’m a natural bitch and not breaking inside.
My sisters and I have just moved to a brand new neighbourhood and to be honest I don’t give a fuck about it. I’ll just be myself and hide away and not let anyone in.