i miss

this is a true story about me when my dad died


1. the phone call

It all started with that one phone and still to this day I fear for another phone call like this to come to me. It all started when I was 8 I never knew that this would ever happen to me or my family. Although mum and dad split up I never seen mum so upset I just felt her sadness as well as my own. All I could think about was how my sister was going to be, was she going to be okay, was her emotional state going to be okay. I was just so shattered and heart broken that all I could do was shake, I could cry all I could do was shake and throw up. I remember that day like it was yesterday, that phone call Nan received was terrible. Nan had been notified that dad has passed away, is a very serious matter he had been in a motorbike accident, he had broken nearly every bone in his body and he still survived but died hour’s later in hospital. He was so young at the age of 36. I asked my self-questions like why was he drink driving, why didn’t he wear a helmet or protective clothing. I acted like I didn’t care but really I was so devastated, I was broken, I felt like I had lost everything. It took me hours to crack and when I did I just lost it, I was just sitting there and I started screaming and crying I was so angry but yet so sad I could feel the tears run down my face, I could feel the anger pumping through my blood. I felt like I could explode more and more, I was just so angry that I wanted to bring him back to life and just hit him over and over why was he so silly and do something like that how could he leave us behind he has a new girlfriend, he has a newborn baby, he had Mikaela she was 6 and he has me I just couldn’t believe it. That night I couldn’t sleep all I could do was feel the sadness in the air and all I could think about was dad. I could think about our little memories of when we would ride our bikes to the bakery and get breakfast. Even tho we were living with mum we seen dad every second weekend, I wish I would of cherished my time more with him. I took a week off school because I just couldn’t do it and as a week passed it was time to face it that it was the funeral I didn’t want to do this not today I was just so horrified in seeing the whole family I was horrified in the way I was feeling. I would breathe and all I could feel was pain all I could see is dad all I could feel was sadness. I felt so hopeless that I couldn’t have done anything to help dad. As we all sat in the funeral I sat with mums, mum and dad because the other grandparents were too devastated to care about us, well that’s how I felt. As people were speaking about dad saying that he was incredible, unbeliebeable, wonderful. As the service kept going on and on I didn’t nudge a bit there were no tears even tho I was feeling hopeless but the one thing that made me snap is that the put a PowerPoint of pictures up and there was a picture of dad, Mikaela, Caleb and me and I just snapped in the middle of the ceremonies, I felt like getting up and screaming at dad screaming to the world. I was so aggravated and resentful. I could feel the emotions they were all mixed I w\just wanted to scream and shout and let it all out, I wanted dad to be there to hug me tight and tell me it was going to be okay but that was never going to happen. I was never going to have my dad back I was never going to have him to threaten by boyfriends, to walk me down the aisle, to be there for me when I needed him. I felt like I had nothing and it was killing me from the inside out, how was I meant to feel, am I meant to be feeling this furious, I was meant to be upset not furious. How was I meant to feel, how was my family meant to feel what were we going to do next, how could he of done this to us there are so many questions I wanted to be answered and I was going completely insane I didn’t know what I was meant to do I wanted to explode a million times over and over, I felt like I was going insane. I was just so tempered I was just so broken but I had to keep it all inside. As they were walking dads casket out I just busted into tears even more Nan and dad just cuddled me. Everybody were going to the grave to watch dads casket get buried next to my sister Shakira’s grave but nan and dad make the decision to take Mikaela home because we just couldn’t do it anymore. I just felt that everything I had just slipped away but I was being silly. We both went back to school and we were getting so much pity but really we just didn’t want it, we didn’t even want people to know about it because it made us more and more upset. Even the teachers were giving us pity. This was a very dark side of my life and I still look back to these days of my life, I have a day to day struggle with this and I always will but I know that dad will be looking down of me, protecting me. I know that he is proud of the way I am and the way I have taken this.
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