When I woke up, my head was hurting like hell, and the whole room was spinning. It wasn't until I tried to stretch, that I felt a muscular arm around my waist. I opened my eyes wide up, as my heart sped up. What the hell? I frowned, and looked at the arm. Gosh, was that...?
Something was poking very encouraging against my butt, distracting me from the strong arm. Oh my God, no. This could not be true. Carefully I turned around and faced the man.
Yes, that was my best friend, Damon. And it was his... Thing, that had been poking me. And it still was. How did we end up in my bed? Had we been...
I put my hands on his naked chest, trying to get a bit away. The fact that his erection made me aroused, was enough to scare me. I wasn't that kind of girl. Not yet, at least.
After being in love with him for almost fifteen years, I hadn't just given it up last night and told him, had I? And had I forgot what had happened? I felt like crying. What the hell had happened?! And why did I have to get so drunk?
I didn't really got more time to think about it. Damon was waking up. His grip around me tightened, and without opening his eyes, he pressed his lips to my forehead. I gasped, feeling his erection against my stomach, and tried to not think about getting naked and have my first time with him. Those were stupid thoughts. He didn't care for me like that. He never would.
Or maybe he would. If Caroline's plan actually worked, he would. What was it she had said to me, so many times? I had to make him see me as a woman, not his little sister. Well, maybe that had been exactly what I had done last night. I had no idea. I remembered absolutely nothing.
How much did I drink anyways? I remembered the 20 shots, but after that, everything was blank. What had I been doing?
“Morning,” he said, and then he opened his eyes. When his blue eyes met mine, he looked surprised, scared. I had no idea what I should say. What I should do. I was waking up, next to the guy of my dreams, who by the way was half naked and aroused. How the hell was I supposed to react to that?
“Good morning, Damon...” I said, trying to smile at him. His eyes went big, when he noticed why my face was as red as a tomato. God, could this morning get any worse?
“Oh my God... I'm so... Gosh, Elena...”
Without saying anything else, he stood up and walked to my bathroom.
I felt like a little girl. Like a little ten year old girl, who just saw a naked boy for the first time. And I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I just couldn't. Whatever we had done yesterday, he'd regretted it. Whatever he had done, with me, was just a mistake in his eyes.
I had ruined everything. No hope of getting with him now. Caroline couldn't possibly have a plan to save this.
And in that moment, the only thing I was able to think about, was the small blade in my dresser, just waiting to make a new cut in my skin.
I bit my lip and put my pillow over my head. I didn't care that I was going to ruin it with my make-up. I wanted to muffle my sobs, and I needed to think of something else than the blade. I couldn't do that.
I had been a cutter for some years. It had all began when Damon started bringing home girls every weekend. When I was laying in bed at night, trying not to listen to the moans and sounds, I'd found that the blade make me forget everything. And it had been bad for a long time. He hadn't even noticed.
But Caroline had. And she had forced me to stop. I had been without it for almost 1½ years at that point, and all I wanted to do was to return to the blissful pain.
I felt the pillow slowly being lifted from my face, and I felt Damon sit down next to me. I looked at his worried face expression and his wet hair. He'd taken a shower? Hopefully a cold one. He sighed and moved a hand to my hair. Then he gently started stroking it.
“Damon, what did we do yesterday?” I asked, looking away. I didn't want to see his reaction. Didn't want to see the disgust in his eyes. I felt him laying down next to me, and wrapping an arm around me.
“Nothing. We came home, and I put you to bed, because you were beyond drunk. But you didn't want me to leave, and then you started crying. You missed your parents... Then I held you, like we used to do. Nothing happened, I swear. I wouldn't do that to you,” he said. Good, I still had my virginity, and we hadn't been sleeping together.
Don't get me wrong. I wanted Damon to be my first. But I didn't want him to be my first, when both of us were drunk and didn't know what the hell we were doing.
No, if Damon were to be my first, both of us had to be sober, and completely certain that we wanted to do it.
I sighed, trying to sound relieved, and curled up to his side. Just like we used to. The blade was forgotten for a while. What I couldn't forget, only try to suppress, was Damon's face when he woke up and found out why my face was as red as it had been. I was never going to have him, was I? So why did I keep dreaming?
His hands stroked my back and my hair, while his grip around me tightened slightly. Like he really didn't want to let me go. I smiled and rested my head on his muscular chest. It had been a long time since we'd been in this position. At least 3 years. And I had missed it. But this couldn't last. There were things I needed to know. It sounded like he'd been pretty sober. And he hadn't even brought home a girl. He had been taking care of me instead.
“Damon, did I do anything... You know... Inappropriate...Yesterday?” I asked, fearing for the answer. We shifted a bit so that we were able to look into each others eyes. God, I loved those eyes. I wondered if he were able to see the emotions in my eyes.
Nah, then he'd figured out my feelings by now.
“You were about to... But I kind of stopped you... I wasn't sure if that was what you wanted or not,” he said, slowly moving his arms away. Maybe that was for the best.
“Thanks...” I said and smiled gratefully at him. I hadn't wanted to kiss anybody else than Damon. No way. He returned the smile and got up again.
“Stay here, Lena, I'll be back in a minute,” he said, while he put on his jeans and shirt. It suddenly became a lot easier focusing. I nodded, and enjoyed being tangled in the bed sheets, while I waited for him to return.
I felt happy that I had been able to resist the blade, once again. It would've been bad, if I had started again. Caroline and I were going shopping today, and I was sure she didn't have sweatshirts in mind. That wouldn't make me look like a woman to Damon.
No, new scars on my arms, would only make the matter worse. I had to stay strong.
I felt the butterflies fly around in my stomach. He was going to see the new clothes when we left on Friday. I had already decided that my first day as a new woman, would be that Friday. I didn't want to start trying to make him fall in love with me, at home. Ric almost saw Damon as his son (a son he could get drunk with), even though we weren't related in any way.
But it would be awkward, starting to flirt back, and doing the whole make-over thing at home. No, that had to wait, until we went to California.
And if I had started cutting again, there would be noticeable scars. The ones I had were slowly fading. You didn't really notice them anymore. I had never told Damon about my habit, because I would have no idea what to say to him.
'Hey, Damon, I've been in love with you ever since we were kids, and I'm cutting because I can't have you'
Nope, I had kept it a secret. It wasn't hard, when I was able to hide in my sweatshirt. He never pushed me to take it off, which only made it that much easier. But Caroline had noticed, and she had threatened to tell Damon, if I didn't stop. I hadn't touched the blade since then. I really didn't want to have that conversation.
I flinched a bit when the door opened again. Damon stepped inside, with something in his hands. I didn't see what it was, because he was hiding it. I frowned as he sat down on the bed, smiling at me. I caught the small glimpse in his eyes, and couldn't help but blush a bit. What did he have in mind?
“Yesterday, you told me you were afraid that I would leave you... Just like our parents. And even though I promised you that I'll never leave you, I want to give you this.” He held out a beautiful necklace I recognised instantly. It had been his mothers. My eyes widened, first looking at it, and then at him.
“I can't accept that, Damon! That was your mother's,” I said. He was really serious about this! How on earth could I accept one of the only things he had left from his mother?
“Yes, you can. And you're going to. Listen, Lena. Seeing you yesterday was terrible. I don't want you to think I could ever leave you. So, this is my promise. You know how much this means to me. And I want you to have it. As a proof, that I will never ever leave you. Never, Elena,” he said and started giving me the necklace on.
“No, Elena. Just accept it. Don't say anything. You're my best friend. I don't know what I'd do without you.”
And those four words breaks me. 'You're my best friend'. Friend. It feels like that word is repeating over and over in my head, once again. As if the night we shared didn't matter at all. It seemed to matter this morning.
But I couldn't let Damon see. No. I wasn't going to tell him anything. I would seduce him, when we got to California. Caroline would help me. I knew she would. That's why I smiled at him and kissed his cheek gently.
“Thanks, Damon. I don't know what I'd do without you either.” I was almost sure he could spot the hurt in my eyes, but I tried not to think about it. He would think it was because of the memories of our parents. Not because he'd pointed out that I was nothing but a friend. I needed to be cool, keeping my feelings at bay for just two more days. I'd been keeping them at bay for fifteen years. Sure I could manage just a few days more.
He smiled at me, hugged me shortly and then walked out my room again. I broke down, the tears flowing freely. Gosh, I wouldn't be able to keep this up. But I had to. Caroline would help me, and I would finally get together with Damon. Hopefully.
I just had to trust her female instincts.
“Care, are you sure this one isn't a bit too... Showy?” I asked, when I looked at the top she'd put me in. It was incredibly slim, sticking like glue to my body. It had a low cut halterneck, which left my back almost bare. I felt naked and missed my hoodies. Why did I ever agree to do this?
“Of course it isn't too showy. Damon will love that, I promise. Now, put on this skirt as well. I picked up some nightgowns as well,” she said and handed me a short skirt. I frowned.
“Nightgowns? Why would I need that?” I asked, as I stripped off my pants and put on the skirt. Now I just felt like a prostitute. This skirt was worse than the slimmy jeans she'd made me wear. How could I ever stuff like that?
“Well, there's something I didn't tell you and Damon...” she said, her cheeks turning red. Oh God, what had she done? That didn't look good.
“I'm bringing Matt. Which means you and Damon will have to share a room. I don't even know if there's going to be two beds,” she said, then quickly leaving the changing room. Clever choice. I felt like exploding.
“You did WHAT?!” I said, following her, without thinking about my outfit. I almost bumped into a guy. His eyes went up and down my body, before he smiled at me. I mumbled a 'sorry' and ran after Caroline. She couldn't be serious! This morning had been bad enough. I did not need a repeat of that, in California.
“Calm down, 'Lena! It'll be okay. You'll get to get closer to him. Promise. I know what I'm doing. This will perfect,” she said, and handed me a pair of shorts. I sighed and accepted them. I guessed I just had to trust her.
When we were done shopping after several hours, we sat down on the nearest café, ordering coffee. I was exhausted after our shopping trip. I hadn't done that, since my mother was still alive. I missed her. I remembered when I was younger, and I had been in my room, crying, because Damon had invited another girl to his high school dance. Somehow, I'd hoped he would've taken me.
“Elena? Honey, are you alright?” My mom stepped into my room and sat down on my bed. I turned towards her, and showed her the tears on my cheeks. Her face expression went worried at once. I never cried.
“What's wrong, sweetie?” she asked, and gently stroked my hair. I closed my eyes, and got my breathing under control before I answered her.
“I love him, mom. But he'll never like me. Never. Because I'm just his friend. His annoying little sister,” I said, feeling the tears starting to float down my cheeks again. I had wanted to go with him. But instead he picked Andie Starr. The blonde slut from his Spanish class.
“Oh, honey. Don't you worry. Right now, the age span between you and Damon is large. A lot happens in those four years. But there's no guarantee he'll never love you. Actually, I think he already loves you. He just doesn't know how much. Let time work it's magic. And don't push him away. It'll be okay,” she said and smiled at me. I sniffled and looked at her.
“You think he loves me?” I asked, feeling a bit better. Maybe my mom was right. He was soon to be 17 years old. He already seemed so grown up.
“I know he does. Don't you worry,” she said and opened her arms. I hugged her, feeling a lot better. My mom was the best mom in the world.
“Thank you, mom,” I whispered, as I sniffed the familiar scent of vanilla on her clothes. I would never get enough of that scent. Never.
“No problem, sweetheart. I love you.”
She had died less than 6 months after that. God, I missed her. She would know what I should do. She always knew what to do. I sighed, as Caroline talked on about Matt, her boyfriend. Apparently he'd been crazy for her yesterday.
“Caroline? Do you honestly think I have any kind of chance with Damon?” I asked and looked at my cappuccino. I could almost feel her frown. I had asked her that question so many times, and her answer never differed.
“Of course you have. Elena, he's going to see you in this, and he's going to see how much he loves you,” she said, taking a sip from her coffee. I sighed and did the same. Caroline would help me. I would have him.